this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

fall is my favorite

Fall is my favorite season.
There's so many different reasons why I enjoy autumn so very much.
But since I recently wrote a little poem-y bit on the matter, I'll let it do the explaining.

Fall is already here.
I've been trying to ignore its familiar scent carried on a cool breeze for weeks.
The warm cool scent of autumn is one I relish.
Bearing promises of beauty and temperate weather. Of the last green grass outlined with bright leaves, contrasted by the grey blue sky.
It's like a good cup of tea and a sweater that could tell tales all it's own.
It's like apple cider, fresh and invigorating.
Fall is the seasonal equivalent of night.
When inspiration comes and pours out words.
When everything is possible, adventure is imaginable, when dreams become real.
When magic floats on the wind a new music pushes through my veins.
It's when the creative, the old-souls, come alive.
When myth and legend rise from the ground.
When death and life collide.
When words spring from pens and leap off pages.
When sleeping is waking and the night starts early and the days are breaking.
Autumn is the white mountains and orange leaf strewn streets.
It's a between worlds.
Not sleeping, nor waking.
Not summer nor winter, nor the same rebirth as spring.
Fall is a phoenix. Going out with a blaze of orange and from itself comes new life.
Fall is the epitome of endings: just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.
Fall is a perfect, crisp, amalgamation of life.

    all images are mine courtesy of my instagram @thesiriana

life starts now

This summer is blending into a blur of something and nothing to do, punctuated by ideas and inaction. With music, tears, epic times and stories to be told at the seams.

I've changed this summer. For the better.
My last year at camp, many of my friends having graduated and there is a future growing more prevalent to worry about.
Things have changed.

I haven't been on blogger as much as usual, as much as I used to.
Ever since summer started I don't think I've checked my feed much. In fact, I'm irredeemably behind.

I'm excited and afraid of a new school year, of college classes.
Afraid of my own failure and math.
Excited to learn.
Afraid of how much everything costs.
Excited to almost be done.
Afraid of my computer's continued downward spiral.
Excited to grow.

So I leave you, not with apologies and excuses for not keeping up or writing - because I don't think anyone much of notices anyway - but with a song.

you say you feel so down
every time I turn around
you say you should've been gone by now
you think that everything's wrong
ask me how to carry on
we'll make it through
another day
just hold on

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

I hate to see you fall down
I'll pick you up off the ground
I've watched the weight of your world come down
and now it's your chance to move on
change the way you've lived for so long
find the strength you've had inside all along

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

all this pain
take this life and make it yours
all this hate
take your heart and let it love again
you will survive this somehow

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

music and lyrics copyright Three Days Grace

greater things // post camp writing

amazing love

amazing grace

more than just these words

more than just

a song we sing

it's written on the stars above

it's written on the earth below

on the cross of Him who bore our sins

in the blood that turns us white as snow 

it's burned into 

(the) hearts accepted

the beating of our lives

it's found inside the souls of changing

where true destiny lies

it's shown in a life surrendered 

in the eyes of fighting free

amazing love

amazing grace

in the destiny

of GREATER THINGS

I can't believe it's been almost a month.

Almost a month since my last post on July 29th.

About having my wisdom teeth out.

Lots of fun that was.

Now I have just as of a few hours ago returned from the annual Jesus Party of
Awesome. Also known as camp.

Camp was amazing and awesome and I'm so sad it's the last year for me.

And I'm conflicted because I'm missing that I won't have camp like that again but at the same time I'm happy to be home and of course still wishing I was still there.

God does amazing things and I'm not even sure where to begin.

But as of this moment in time...I don't really have the time to start. It's the land of unpacking, and catching up on sleep for me.

Fingers crossed there will be a recap someday, eh?
At the very least I can guarantee I'll be posting the official camp video when it shows up on YouTube.

But for now, things to do and my best friend is up staying for the next week. So much to do, so little time.

Hope this finds you all well.

blessings~

Columbine: 13 years

One of my favorite quotes is by Rachel Joy Scott. In fact, I love it so much and feel it defines part of me so well that I made a huge sectional banner that extends across a wall in my room.

I write
NOT for the sake of glory
NOT for the sake of fame
NOT for the sake of success
but for the sake of my soul

That was written by Rachel Joy Scott, the first victim of the Columbine school shootings.

When I was at camp a last year, after morning service, during small group time. It was asked of us "who inspires you?". My answer? Rachel Joy Scott.

But I never really got to explain why.

Though I'm not sure what it is I would've said anyway.

I am NOT a beer chuggin', pot trippin', drug dealin' Christian
I AM a God lovin', satan slammin', Jesus freakin', world changin', Christian.
I AM A WARRIOR FOR CHRIST
--Rachel Joy Scott

You see, her story, her journals, her writing and life have inspired me in so many ways.
Helped me to grow in my walk in Christ and God has spoken to me through her words.

Something I want Him to do through my words someday.

Some people would say that her life was wasted, she was so young when she was killed.

But in fact, its rather the opposite.

While her death is tragic beyond words, her life and what it meant is so worth celebrating.

Her life wasn't wasted.

“And as Christians, we need to remember to walk our talk.”--rachel joy scott

Her memorial service was broadcast to people all over the country, all over the world.

And because of her story, thousands of people came to Christ and still are.

Teens stepped forward to "pick up the torch" that had been dropped at her death. (check out the book(s) for more info)

God had has a plan for it all.

He's got this.

What if you were to die today? What would happen to you? Where would you go? Tomorrow is not a promise, but a chance. It may not be there for you. After death, then what? Where will you spend your eternity? Will you have eternal life with your loving Father? Or will you be ripped from the arms of your Savior. Eternity is in your hands; change it!
-Rachel

Do you know what was written on the cover of her last journal?

"I WILL NOT BE LABELED AS AVERAGE"

Me? I don't want to be labeled as average either.

“I am not going to apologize for speaking the Name of Jesus, I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put into me. If I have to sacrifice everything…I will.” --Rachel Joy Scott {1 year before her death}

As of today, it has been 13 years since the Columbine school shootings. And it seems that no one cares to remember.

But I say remember, remember and never forget.

this post is dedicated to Rachel and Cassie as well as all those who died, and sacrificed their lives in the defense of others, 13 years ago. and to the families of those lost. God bless.

life.is.sweet.

10 things that make my life all the sweeter because they exist

1.

{via}

plans coming together

I'm planning on finishing my job painting a room of the church this week...after that I should have gas money for my Fine Arts trip!

2.

{via}

dreams

3.

{via}

laughter

4.

{via}

spring

5.

{via}

Staples

like the store; Staples. because I have a love for all things paper and pen...so office stores are kind of one of my favorite places...except when I don't have money to spend, don't let me go inside! I'll find someway to make you lend me money. oh yes.

6.

{via}

alice in wonderland

in this instance, specifically the soundtrack. seriously, I listen to that allll the time. I have Alice's Theme stuck in my head more often than not and can usually be found whistling or humming it. this usually happens after an episode of Downton Abbey as the theme for the show carries some similarity to Alice's Theme

7.

{via}

faith

something I've been having issues with lately is God's calling for my life. which for those of you that don't know, is youth ministry. and I'm having issues with that fact that that means leading people and speaking to people...sermons. and I honestly have trouble seeing why that should be me. I don't feel qualified to do that, I'm no better than anyone else...in fact I don't see myself as good enough to give anyone any advice at all...but God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

8.

{via}

inspiring people

last year on my Fine Arts Trip my mom and I went to see Soul Surfer in the theater. last night we had it on DVD and watched it again. it is so awesome.
I read Bethany's book years ago when it was released, before I was a Christian. I read it a total of three times before coming to Christ. The first time I completely skipped over all the God stuff but each time I checked the book out from the library I read a little more of "the God stuff". I have to say this girl has played a part in my coming to Christ and my walk with Him. if you haven't read her book (Soul Surfer by Bethany Hamilton) or seen the movie (also titled Soul Surfer) I highly suggest you do!

9.

{via}

trees

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. -Jeremiah 17:7-8

10.

{via}

cuteness

it makes life sweet. you know it does.

life.is.sweet.

10 things that make my life all the sweeter because they exist

1.

{via}

when English 111 will be OVER

I will be so very, very happy. Only a few more weeks to go...

2.

{via}

pocket watches

I've always been rather obsessed with them. I'm currently drooling over this one...I may just buy it...

3.

{via}

IZZE's

I've been craving them so bad this spring. I need to locate and purchase some...yummy.

4.

{via}

laughter

this keeps making me laugh. I seriously can't help it every time I look at it! I just about had a heart attack laughing the first time I saw it in an episode.

5.

{via}

hair tutorials on pinterest

I can't wait til my hair gets longer. As it is I've been learning so many new ways to wear it!

6.

{via}

KITTENS!

I've been begging for one for a while now...I pulled out the water works and everything. My restraint at only posting one kitten picture should also be noted...I kind of have a pinterest board dominated by kittens and all things cute...

7.

{via}

geekery

I remember my lego days...heck I still play with them! This necklace is pretty awesome.

8.

{via}

The Hunger Games

super duper excited about this movie! I'm hoping that even if it doesn't hold up to the book (not that any movie ever can) it'll still be an awesome movie.
And, for the record, before the movie was even in the works I had actually imaged Josh Hutcherson as Peeta. I'm not just saying that, I have witnesses.

9

{via}

little reminders

that I'm loved and not alone...thanks best friend

10.

{via}

God's provision

Never ceases to astound me...I'm so thankful for all the work I have coming in.

life.is.sweet.

10 things that make life all the sweeter because they exist

{via}

1. color

   they make life so...colorful. vivid. beautiful. I think that has something to do with my new design. the subtle but much existing multitude of color.
   
   
   {via}
   

2. typewriters

   lovely, vintage <3
   
   
   {via}
   

3. music

   even though I know it's one I include pretty much all the time.
   
   
   {via}
   

4. bible

   I forget to read it so much. and as I'm gearing up for Fine Arts I've been trying more and more to really get into the word. I think I'm going to be entering the Short Sermon category this year and the idea simultaneously thrills me and scares me half to death.
   
   
   {via}
   

5. maps & dreams

   they keep going hand in hand...I've been taking apart an old atlas lately to use the maps for various things. it's just so artsy and fun!
   
   
   {via}
   

6. friends

   this picture pretty much sums it up. ;-) thanks Lauren, Eric and Nicole...you guys should just know you're awesome
   
   
   {via}
   

7. art

   you should seriously check out my art board on pinterest. so much awesomeness. There's just so much I could barely choose which to have as the picture accompanying this.
   
   
   {via}
   

8. writing

   another recurring item on my list of things that make life sweet.
   
   
   {via}
   

9. Scotland

   I want to go. so very, very bad.
   
   
   {via}
   

10. epic doors / architecture

    I kind of can't help but look at all of them. the colors and designs. just too cool.
    
    

boycott SOPA

So, I had to look up SOPA on Wikipedia, and ask my parents about it, but now that I know what it is I've decided to join the 24 hour boycott on January 18th (tomorrow).

Which means starting tonight at midnight and running until midnight on the 19th, Concrete & Grace is going to be completely shut down along with Wikipedia and many other websites and social networks.

To my other bloggie friends I encourage you to do so as well.

blessings~

have a listen // fire on the mountain

We sit secure in time-honored traditions made
Never wondering where or when the sickle may come
If we don't seek our knowledge to be greater men
When the rain starts falling gonna drown before we get our feet wet

We build our ivory towers to protect us from the flood
A fleet of vessels made of wood so they won't rust
But can we see the bottom of the bottle when we start to drink?
There's fire on the mountain fire and it's coming our way

Can we pick the pieces up
We're mending Babylon
Tryin' to right the wrong
Can we pick the pieces up

Live learn life love die dust gone

There's fire on the mountain

Can we pick the pieces up
We're mending Babylon
Tryin' to right the wrong
Can we pick the pieces up

Live learn life love die dust gone

music and lyrics copyright Hanson

No religion, just relationship.

This is Spoken Word.

This is truth.

Please watch.

life.is.sweet.

10 things that make my life all the sweeter because they exist

1. writing anyone else who is a writer ultimately understands that this needs no description, and why I include it a lot.
   
   
   
2. relentless my word for 2012. a first for me. something I am striving relentless-ly for.
   
   
   
3. microsoft office 2010 totally God's provision. I've been in need of a newer version of office. I've been struggling with 2003 and it was causing more problems than it was helping. it was a total God-thing I was able to get a HUGE student discount from Microsoft and get the professional version for a third the normal price.
   
   
   
4. stargate: atlantis what can I say? loves me some scifi!
   
   
   
5. sanctuary yes...two syfy shows in a row.
   
   
   
6. learning my college classes started again today. daunting but exciting. my english lit class is going to be challenging, but in a good way I think.
   
   
   
7. buachaill on eirne oh this song...  
   
   
   
8. new year
   
   
9. kindle I was able to check out two books last night, instantly. did I mention they're books from two of my favorites series'? oh yes. I was squealing with delight all over the place!
   
   
10. blue sky peeking through the clouds in the winter. most definitely something that makes life sweet.
    
    
    
    

reading: reckoning by lili st. crow --- listening: how He loves by flyleaf

word for 2012: relentless

I see so many making resolutions.
Knowing a word or verse they are led to, that will define their year.
I've never really done that; made a resolution, had a word or verse.
But blazing relentless after God has been weighing heavily on my heart, thanks to God's inspiration through the Fine Arts theme for this year.
And I believe that is my word:
relentless.
After Him, no matter what.
Giving all I have to give.
Stepping out. Running to braver, instead of safer.
I keep asking myself, "what am I living for?"
And the fact is: myself.
I am selfish with the gifts He has given me.
Too caught up in being "individual" to share anything with anyone. Too scared of being taken advantage of. Scared of what I might lose.

I read Isaiah 55 the other day, and God really spoke.

 ¹Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
 ²Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
 ^3aIncline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live...
 ⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
 ⁹For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
 ¹⁰For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
 ¹¹So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

You see, I counted the total of my college fund just recently. My "college fund" being the 'piggy' bank I put loose change into for a decade.

$61.50

Sixty one dollars and fifty cents.
I've always wanted to go to college. I never looked forward to highschool. College was always my aspiration. Not community college mind you. Oh no, that was never good enough in my mind. University. That was it.

But in truth, whether or not I have money, I have a calling. Whether or not I have a university degree, God is going to use me in ministry as I have been called. He is going to provide, in His time, by His will; not mine.

And the chapter provoked the thought in my head, why do we do I spend so much on things that don't really matter? "that which is not bread"
Why do I give so much, for the things of this world; that do not satisfy?

In 2012 I want to be live relentless.
That means giving all I have to give.
Not thinking of what's in it for me.
Not fearing.

That means not procrastinating.
Not being lazy.

That means not letting these gifts God has given me, go to waste.
Not being selfish.

 ¹²For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 

God,
Help me to live relentless. Free.
Father, I want to live for You, not me, not anyone else. Lord, light in me a fire that I may blaze relentless-ly after You.
Let's start some spirit - fires this year, Jesus.
Let's live relentless.
In Your name I pray,
Amen.

Full Circle

look at us...where we've been...

2011 was a year of ups and downs.

I've changed. I've grown.

I've become closer to friends and grew away from others. I've met new people and made new friends. I've feel like I've grown closer to my family.

I've learned so much. My perspective has changed. I've been challenged. I've been changed.

worrying doesn't get me anywhere because it's like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Circumstances and storms have spun around me. I've worried about...everything. But found encouragement and freedom in the words of friends.

I look back and have to say...I don't have any regrets. Not really.

I try not to let things I can't change bother me.

There are things that happened - hey, it's life after all - that I wish didn't go down the way they did, but I'm all the stronger for it and wouldn't change it if I could.

I have no regrets.

Okay, I take that back. One regret. I wish I had worked harder on math. But that isn't quite the type of regret to which I was referring.

Basically, it is what it is. And I am thankful for it, all of it.

I spent a week on stage with some of my best friends. I was able to go to Fine Arts festival for the first time. Camp for the fourth time. I saw friends lives changed by the power and hope of God. I got to spend a week with my best friend at her grandparents. I learned how to drive. I turned seventeen.

Every moment, every tear, every laugh, every hug, sigh, photograph and scream of frustration was worth it. Sure I don't have a definitive reason why it was worth it right now, but someday I will.

And all in all, this year has come full circle. Sure everything changes, but that's just it; everything comes back around. Full circle. It changes, but it just as surely changes back and into something new. Maybe it only makes sense to me, but here's to 2012.

look at us
where we've been
see the view it's changin' changin'
look and see
how we've come
all the way around this time

on we live
on we fight
now it's all the way full circle
things have changed
and gone away
goin' back just to go forward

here we've been
and here we've come
its come around full circle

we can't go back
no inch no mile
it's past
we've come
full circle

this is it
here we are
the old is changed
to new again
time it flies
flies away
we've come around full circle

people come
and people go
hoping just for a tomorrow
it has come
it is here
yesterday, today, tomorrow

look at us
where we've been
see the world
it's changin' changin'
look and see
how we've come
all the way around this time

on we live
on we fight
now it's all the way
full circle

by me - written over the span of the year - unfinished

life.is.sweet

10 things that make my life all the sweeter because they exist

via




1. encouragement unexpected. sometimes you never even knew you need it, until something uplifting is whispered to your soul.
   
   
   
   
   

   

   via

   
   
2. inspiration when everything begins to flow. together. apart. around. when it all just works. inexplicably. when the flame of creativity burns bright.
   
   
   
   
   

   

   via

   
   
3. words are like fire. are encouragement. are inspiration. are a weapon. mightier than the sword. can hurt or can calm. can build or destroy. words are like fire.
   
   
   
   
   

   

   via

   
   
4. family
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. photography how I have missed it. I need a good camera. haven't shot a photo in so very, very, long. my very dreams have been influenced by my desire to take pictures.
   
   
   
   
   

   

   via

   
   
6. blank pages there's something so inspiring about a blank page. a new beginning. like a new year. part of me dreads 2012. the passing of time. but part of me is excited at this blank page. a new year. to make my own. to change. to grow. to dream. and of course, with that excitement and inspiration that is a black page. a new year. there is just as much nervousness about it. just as much fear. just as much promise.
   
   
   
   
   

   

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7. light a reminder. of hope. life. fire.
   
   
   
   
   

   

   via

   
   
8. Hosea isn't a book of the Bible mentioned a lot, but it's probably my favorite. It's the story of a man that God led to marry a woman who was...well, basically a prostitute. Every time she left Hosea he always took her back. Even paying her way out of slavery. It's the story that God takes us back. Even when we mess up...royally. No matter what we do, how much we sin, disobey or our actions displease Him; He loves us. We are His people and repentance will bring restoration and freedom.
   
   
   
   

   

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9. history so much can be learned from the past. from mistakes made. battles lost. if only one would take the time. to listen. to learn. to understand. no wonder the world makes so many mistakes. so many mistakes already made.
   
   
   
   
   

   

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10. prayers