last breath of autumn

Before November came with winter I captured some glimpses of autumn as it breathed its last.

LISTENING: 'funnel of love (feat. madeline follin)' by sqürl from the 'only lovers left alive' soundtrack

this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

and winter came

Winter arrived. It came on the wind, arriving stealthily in the night just as everyone in our small community seemed to have finally accepted summers end, and falls fire.

That's often how it is here. The seasons go on changing, but no one can seem to accept them, or even enjoy them to their fullest as they're too caught up in mourning the passing of the last.

Me, I do so love the changing seasons. I take joy in savoring each moment of every one of them.
The first buds of spring, the lake in summer, every aspect of fall, and the clear, cold, starry, snow filled skies of winter.

Seasons change on the wind. If you have a knack for it, you can hear the next coming.
Each has their own sound, their own smell. Their own feeling that can call upon memories of seasons past.

Though it seems like the seasons are changing faster than ever, I'm finding that it's all the more reason to enjoy every aspect of each of them.
To seize the day.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.
here's to life

LISTENING: bad blood (album) by bastille (re)READING: fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkien WATCHING: 2 broke girls

Christmas Music

         Normally I'm not one for Christmas music, I tire of hearing the same thing year after year, after year.
         However, last year I invested in the awesome music...Relient K's Let it Snow Baby, Let it Reindeer Christmas album. (available during the holiday season as an MP3 download for only $5 from Amazon, I highly recommend it).

         Because I was so highly anticipating listening to my awesome Christmas music this year, I actually started listening to it a few days before Thanksgiving! 


         Now, I do like the more rock versions of the traditional Christmas songs, but I really must give props to BarlowGirl for their awesome vocals on this traditional version of the Carol of the Bells:





          But back to the topic of that awesome rockin' Christmas music.

          As far as originality, and a completely new song, I love Relient K's Santa Clause is Thumbing to Town, which, unfortunately I could not find a video of on YouTube...you'll all just have to trust me on its level of awesomeness.


         Another new Christmas song, is from Flyleaf from one of their original EP's: I LOVE IT:





          Now, I don't know if any of you have by chance seen Mean Girls...but, it really ruined Jingle Bell Rock for me and I haven't really liked the song since...but Thousand Foot Krutch has brought it back for me in their version:





          I love BarlowGirls version of Carol of the Bells, I love to listen to it because its such a beautiful song, but this here, is an awesome instrumental rock version:





Hoping you're all getting into the Christmas spirit as well!

Creatively Fickle

          Okay, so, its the beginning of a new month, and I'm wanting to do something different...

          I'm a person that is always changing my blog design...when I had my first personal blog (which was invite only) I changed it probably every couple weeks, if not more...of course I was using pre-made templates that I took fancy to, and no one actually ever really saw it, but it was just something I liked to change with my mood and fancy. I think you could call me creatively fickle.

          Anyway, since I am still always wanting to change my blog design, but I prefer using my own designs it doesn't happen as much..

          But as of late, I have had, in my head a new, and simpler design idea for Concrete & Grace...well, really, a new much less busy header idea. I do love my header, but its just a bit...too much if you know what I mean. And a week or so ago, I suddenly got an idea for a header that I'm hopefully going to be working on in my spare (ha!) time possibly this weekend...

         I've also been tossing around the idea of a seasonal design that I change every few months or so...I've just loved what Awel, Oliva, Hannah, and Nzkiwigirl have done with it...unfortunately, as of right now I'm too swamped with school and I won't be able to do such. However I am considering on possibly working on a little something-something over Winter Vacation.

         So, there is definitely somewhat of a simpler Concrete & Grace coming your way (hopefully) soon.

Concerts & Capturing Creation Photo Contest Day 2

So, last Monday, I had an epically awesome time at the my local stop on RED's Nothing & Everything Tour with Disciple, Head and Silverline.

It was SO much fun!

Great music, great friends, awesome times.
Now, unfortunately, I didn't have the camera, so I didn't get any pictures :( I did however have my iPod Touch and did manage to get some video...but sadly no average camera is made to withstand that and have clear audio.

I had a lot of fun and ended up buying Disciple's new CD Horseshoes & Hand Grenades and yesterday my mum bought RED's album End of Silence.
So lots of new music I'm listening to.

It seems like winter has arrived where I live...I woke up the other day to find it had snowed 4"-6" and was still coming down!!! But its okay now because we're coming up on Thanksgiving and as long as it waits 'til after Halloween (which to me, is pretty much the end of fall) to snow, then I'm good with it.
Since then, for the past few days we've had some cccccooolllddddd weather! We're talking in the land of below freezing and zero. BRRRRRRRR
I'm hoping it'll warm up a bit and snow more so hopefully I can do some snowboarding this year!

Since its Wednesday (I almost forgot! oops!) I have another installment of my photography for the Capturing Creation Photo Challenge over at Yours Truly! Since its Day 2 the focus is...Let There Be Heavens



“The God said, “Let there be the firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.”

Hope you're all having a blessed (and warmer!) Thanksgiving week with family and friends!

Its Here...