this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

we're not just seniors, we're graduates

My Facebook is a-flood with prom and senior pictures.
Graduation announcements are being sent, and I am realizing.
I'm realizing that a chapter is closing. Maybe more, maybe an entire volume is closing.
Because we're graduating, all of us. My friends who already have, and those who are, even those who I've grown apart from, we're seniors now.
There's so much ending. And despite how close we have, or haven't been, we are nearing a parting of ways which is likely to take us all in so many different directions.
Many of us will never see each other again.

We're not just seniors, we're graduates.
We're adults.

There's this great big future ahead of us filled with decisions, and opportunities.

We've all gone through so much, and life is just beginning. Our stories don't end here.

And even though it's close to the bit I shared for last year's graduates, I don't think it's lost it's meaning.
I'm home schooled, I don't get a graduation ceremony. So sit back for the cliche but (hopefully) ultimately meaningful, because this is my podium.

---

to us, the graduates

We've done it. Somehow we've managed to successfully navigate the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of our lives.

While it's painful being on the receiving end of my pun-shenanigans, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I've managed picked up along the way; I have found that we, the human race, are a fickle and forgetful bunch. As such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life inevitably throws at us, and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone who will complain about, belittle, and mocks us. It's not just high school, it's life.
As someone who's actually been working and doing some college classes for a while now, I can say it's pretty messy and doesn't change much.
Because unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but always try to remember the good, the positive, and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened, and all that is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And, in one of my few and far between moments of what could be called a philosophical-wisdom, I have can be quoted as saying:
"endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
Strangely, that seems to have a deep, inherent meaning; and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy - especially when we're young - to let little things stand in our way, let little things feels like "the end of the world".
Well, here's the thing, endings aren't all bad, and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me, because as a person who - as I image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic - penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
(Please feel free to laugh here.)
So whether we decide to throw the lemons at people, or make lemonade; take a step back, keep perspective in mind, and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

Lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I want to share words I carry with me, and thus feel I should impart in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.
seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, listen to me or not.
Everything's a choice.
Let's just use the lemons, okay?

Let's go to Orlando!

Dear friends, family, and fellow wanderers of the internet,

As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the respect of earning my own money and working for the things I want and need. I’ve come to understand and commit to the importance of investing in things that will be tools not only to my education, but also to my work.

Every year I participate in a gathering of other kids, grades 6-12, who come together to be encouraged in various art forms that can be used in ministry.

Fine Arts Festival.

It’s something I enjoy immensely, and not only is it a fantastic event but it’s something that at a national level could open doors for colleges, scholarships and job opportunities.

In the two years I’ve attended District Fine Arts Festival, each year I have received ‘Superior With Invitation to Nationals’ in a few categories; the main being T-Shirt Design.

However, due to limited funds and the distance a trip to Nationals would require I’ve never been able to attend.

This year is my last year to participate in Fine Arts Festival as a high school student.

I’m writing this letter of sorts, to announce something many of you have expressed interest in: my t-shirt designs.

I’ve miraculously found a talented screen printer who can produce my unique designs.
And I’m very excited about it.

Thus I am starting to sell t-shirts sporting my out of the ordinary designs.

The idea is for this to be a way for me to raise the money money to make it to National Fine Arts.

This not only means the cost of registration itself, but gas, food, plane tickets, car rentals and all the materials I need.

And Orlando, Florida is a long ways away.

Now I want to present all of you with the opportunity to not only support me, but find yourself with an amazing one-of-a-kind shirt designed by yours truly. So buy one for yourself, your friends, your kids and every single extended member of your family!

My goal is to sell 888 shirts.

Shirts are $22 each and available through Etsy.

Those of you who live in my area are welcome to forgo Etsy and the shipping cost by getting in touch with me through my phone number and picking up the shirts when they become available.

I look forward to this adventure and thank all of you for your support!
Both prayerful and monetary.

The idea behind this shirt design comes from Hebrews 10:24,

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works."

The word "provoke" isn't often used in relation to encouragement and love.
Think of the angriest you've ever been, of what provoked you to that anger.

Now imagine someone being provoked like that, but to make a difference; to love.

Like encouragement on steroids.

Grey V-neck with blue, half-tone dot splatter, wrapping around from front to back.

Shirts are available on Pre-Shrunk, Combed, 100% Cotton, Adult Unisex V-Neck.
Sizes Small through 2X.

Printed in batches of 24 shirts, pre-order now!!

in which I have a new computer // the post of ten days

Day Zero

As I'm typing this, it is actually Friday October 12th 2012 and while I'm not going to be posting this for a while, I wanted to start now.

Because keeping this under my hat (to coin the phrase) is rather part of the excitement.

And I know it's going to kill me, but just waiting is already killing me.

I guess I should probably explain, huh?

As many of you may know, I've been working hard, and saving for a new computer. Because it's been computer woes, and even more computer woes with my poor little laptop.

Which means its been hard to even get a minimum of school done, let alone have the computer power for work as well...making earning money for a new computer all the more difficult.

For my birthday, just a couple weeks ago, I asked that anyone interested in sending me a gift, instead contribute to my computer fund.

Okay, cutting to the chase now......
I was able to order my computer this morning!!!!!!!

It all happened in a crazy turn of events of which I'm not entirely sure how it came about.

Basically I was very generously offered the opportunity to buy my computer now, and pay it off as I have the money. (I will have it mostly paid off by the end of the year.)

And since I will have it, that means I'll be able to do more computer reliant work and make more money that way!

Now, I just want to end this little-beginning with an expression of deep gratitude, and thankfulness, as well as surprise, and excitement.

God works in mysterious ways my friends.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often, as with the arrival of a new computer (that I don't have to battle) is imminent.
Probably a new blog design in the future as well...going to have to get to know some special new programs! ;D

Day Four

So, it is now Tuesday, October 16th.

I think I've already drove my family crazy talking about my new computer.

Have I told you all that I've named it?

Yes...intensely weird and geeky of me...just wait.
Though, in my defense, I've had the name picked out for little more than a month.

On Sunday I asked someone if they'd like to see a picture of my youngest child...then showed them a picture of my computer.

Playing along good natured-ly, she asks "What's her name?"...I don't think she was actually expecting me to have an answer.

Any day now my extra RAM should arrive. My iMac is still due on Friday, and my Adobe Software should be in the mailbox on Saturday.

Day Six

Thursday October 18th.

I think I check the order status for my computer several BILLION times a day.
Okay...maybe not billion in all caps...but it's so much I can't actually be bothered with keeping count.

It's a lot.

Last night I checked the status of my order and became crazy excited because my computer's status had chanced to "shipping to store". (It was "processing order" for the first few days, followed by "preparing for shipment" late, late Tuesday.)

In the moment it was really exciting.

And I was thinking "YESSSS I'M GOING TO HAVE MY COMPUTER ON FRIDAY". Because that's when the "available at store" date said I would be able to pick it up.

Well, *sad face* I looked down and realized that the available-for-pickup date had also changed...to the 22nd.
Meaning Monday.

At first that really bummed me out. A lot. Because I want it now.
However, the patient, logical side of me was rather pleased.

Because on the scale of torture, it's better to wait two extra days to have it, than to get it and have to work for two days while it sits at home. That's way worse.

Now, at least this way it's a slightly nicer agony...and I'll have a few days to play with it *cough* I mean get it all set up and whatnot before I have to clean toilets (during the weekend) again.

And this way, I should have my extra RAM and my Adobe Software already at home, ready to go when I get my computer.

Is this what optimism feels like?

*squeals with excitement*

Day Waiting Over

Tuesday October 23rd, 2012

Yesterday was the super important day in which I picked up my iMac.

Everyone, I would like you to meet Excalibur!

Because, yes, I had to name my computer in an incredibly geeky manner.

I've been working on getting things installed and working; as well as just generally getting the hang of things as this is completely new to me!
You heard that right, this is my first Mac...in fact, I'd never even used a Mac before I got Excalibur up and running last night.

Which makes this quite a leap from PC to Mac.
But I do believe I rather like it.

Also, just a general impression, it's all screen and the screen is HUGE.
Not in a bad way, mind you. I just don't have a very good concept of 27" (or any other measurement...) so yeah, it's more than two feet of screen. Which is pretty massive in the way of screens.
And also amazing.

Which makes editing your first photo with Lightroom insanely gorgeous.

Makes me happy I invested in a camera this spring.

Good things to come my friends. Fantastic, creative things.

And with another mention of my intense gratefulness, I bid you all well, and a goodnight.

life starts now

This summer is blending into a blur of something and nothing to do, punctuated by ideas and inaction. With music, tears, epic times and stories to be told at the seams.

I've changed this summer. For the better.
My last year at camp, many of my friends having graduated and there is a future growing more prevalent to worry about.
Things have changed.

I haven't been on blogger as much as usual, as much as I used to.
Ever since summer started I don't think I've checked my feed much. In fact, I'm irredeemably behind.

I'm excited and afraid of a new school year, of college classes.
Afraid of my own failure and math.
Excited to learn.
Afraid of how much everything costs.
Excited to almost be done.
Afraid of my computer's continued downward spiral.
Excited to grow.

So I leave you, not with apologies and excuses for not keeping up or writing - because I don't think anyone much of notices anyway - but with a song.

you say you feel so down
every time I turn around
you say you should've been gone by now
you think that everything's wrong
ask me how to carry on
we'll make it through
another day
just hold on

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

I hate to see you fall down
I'll pick you up off the ground
I've watched the weight of your world come down
and now it's your chance to move on
change the way you've lived for so long
find the strength you've had inside all along

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

all this pain
take this life and make it yours
all this hate
take your heart and let it love again
you will survive this somehow

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

music and lyrics copyright Three Days Grace

greater things // post camp writing

amazing love

amazing grace

more than just these words

more than just

a song we sing

it's written on the stars above

it's written on the earth below

on the cross of Him who bore our sins

in the blood that turns us white as snow 

it's burned into 

(the) hearts accepted

the beating of our lives

it's found inside the souls of changing

where true destiny lies

it's shown in a life surrendered 

in the eyes of fighting free

amazing love

amazing grace

in the destiny

of GREATER THINGS

Jesus Party of Awesome // video

Since I am terribly terrible when it comes to recapping the fantasticness that is camp, I shall leave you with the official camp video. Jesus party of awesome.

to see last year's video, click here

I can't believe it's been almost a month.

Almost a month since my last post on July 29th.

About having my wisdom teeth out.

Lots of fun that was.

Now I have just as of a few hours ago returned from the annual Jesus Party of
Awesome. Also known as camp.

Camp was amazing and awesome and I'm so sad it's the last year for me.

And I'm conflicted because I'm missing that I won't have camp like that again but at the same time I'm happy to be home and of course still wishing I was still there.

God does amazing things and I'm not even sure where to begin.

But as of this moment in time...I don't really have the time to start. It's the land of unpacking, and catching up on sleep for me.

Fingers crossed there will be a recap someday, eh?
At the very least I can guarantee I'll be posting the official camp video when it shows up on YouTube.

But for now, things to do and my best friend is up staying for the next week. So much to do, so little time.

Hope this finds you all well.

blessings~

to the graduates

Wow. You've done it. Somehow you have successfully navigated the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of life.

Forgive my pun-ness, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I have picked up along the way; I have found that the human race is a fickle and forgetful people and as such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life throws at us and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone that complains about, belittles and mocks you. It's not just high school, it's life. Unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. And while it's one of the hardest things to do, remember the good, the positive and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened and is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And In one of my few and far between moments of philosophical wisdom I have can be quoted as saying: "endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
And strangely, that has some deep meaning and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy, especially when we're young, to let little things stand in our way, let little things be "the end of the world". Well, endings aren't all bad and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me because as a I person I would image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
So whether you decide to throw the lemons at people or make lemonade; take a step back, remember perspective and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

And lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I feel I should impart these words in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.

seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, choose to listen to me or not. 

Everything's a choice.

Just use the lemons, eh?

Columbine: 13 years

One of my favorite quotes is by Rachel Joy Scott. In fact, I love it so much and feel it defines part of me so well that I made a huge sectional banner that extends across a wall in my room.

I write
NOT for the sake of glory
NOT for the sake of fame
NOT for the sake of success
but for the sake of my soul

That was written by Rachel Joy Scott, the first victim of the Columbine school shootings.

When I was at camp a last year, after morning service, during small group time. It was asked of us "who inspires you?". My answer? Rachel Joy Scott.

But I never really got to explain why.

Though I'm not sure what it is I would've said anyway.

I am NOT a beer chuggin', pot trippin', drug dealin' Christian
I AM a God lovin', satan slammin', Jesus freakin', world changin', Christian.
I AM A WARRIOR FOR CHRIST
--Rachel Joy Scott

You see, her story, her journals, her writing and life have inspired me in so many ways.
Helped me to grow in my walk in Christ and God has spoken to me through her words.

Something I want Him to do through my words someday.

Some people would say that her life was wasted, she was so young when she was killed.

But in fact, its rather the opposite.

While her death is tragic beyond words, her life and what it meant is so worth celebrating.

Her life wasn't wasted.

“And as Christians, we need to remember to walk our talk.”--rachel joy scott

Her memorial service was broadcast to people all over the country, all over the world.

And because of her story, thousands of people came to Christ and still are.

Teens stepped forward to "pick up the torch" that had been dropped at her death. (check out the book(s) for more info)

God had has a plan for it all.

He's got this.

What if you were to die today? What would happen to you? Where would you go? Tomorrow is not a promise, but a chance. It may not be there for you. After death, then what? Where will you spend your eternity? Will you have eternal life with your loving Father? Or will you be ripped from the arms of your Savior. Eternity is in your hands; change it!
-Rachel

Do you know what was written on the cover of her last journal?

"I WILL NOT BE LABELED AS AVERAGE"

Me? I don't want to be labeled as average either.

“I am not going to apologize for speaking the Name of Jesus, I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put into me. If I have to sacrifice everything…I will.” --Rachel Joy Scott {1 year before her death}

As of today, it has been 13 years since the Columbine school shootings. And it seems that no one cares to remember.

But I say remember, remember and never forget.

this post is dedicated to Rachel and Cassie as well as all those who died, and sacrificed their lives in the defense of others, 13 years ago. and to the families of those lost. God bless.

No religion, just relationship.

This is Spoken Word.

This is truth.

Please watch.

word for 2012: relentless

I see so many making resolutions.
Knowing a word or verse they are led to, that will define their year.
I've never really done that; made a resolution, had a word or verse.
But blazing relentless after God has been weighing heavily on my heart, thanks to God's inspiration through the Fine Arts theme for this year.
And I believe that is my word:
relentless.
After Him, no matter what.
Giving all I have to give.
Stepping out. Running to braver, instead of safer.
I keep asking myself, "what am I living for?"
And the fact is: myself.
I am selfish with the gifts He has given me.
Too caught up in being "individual" to share anything with anyone. Too scared of being taken advantage of. Scared of what I might lose.

I read Isaiah 55 the other day, and God really spoke.

 ¹Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
 ²Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
 ^3aIncline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live...
 ⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
 ⁹For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
 ¹⁰For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
 ¹¹So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

You see, I counted the total of my college fund just recently. My "college fund" being the 'piggy' bank I put loose change into for a decade.

$61.50

Sixty one dollars and fifty cents.
I've always wanted to go to college. I never looked forward to highschool. College was always my aspiration. Not community college mind you. Oh no, that was never good enough in my mind. University. That was it.

But in truth, whether or not I have money, I have a calling. Whether or not I have a university degree, God is going to use me in ministry as I have been called. He is going to provide, in His time, by His will; not mine.

And the chapter provoked the thought in my head, why do we do I spend so much on things that don't really matter? "that which is not bread"
Why do I give so much, for the things of this world; that do not satisfy?

In 2012 I want to be live relentless.
That means giving all I have to give.
Not thinking of what's in it for me.
Not fearing.

That means not procrastinating.
Not being lazy.

That means not letting these gifts God has given me, go to waste.
Not being selfish.

 ¹²For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 

God,
Help me to live relentless. Free.
Father, I want to live for You, not me, not anyone else. Lord, light in me a fire that I may blaze relentless-ly after You.
Let's start some spirit - fires this year, Jesus.
Let's live relentless.
In Your name I pray,
Amen.

Harry Potter

my books

I have something to say.
Something many people find controversial. Something that will probably cause more than one of you to stop following my blog.

It's about Harry Potter.
I've read Harry Potter, I love the books, the movies, and have grown up with the story.

Do I look at Harry Potter as evil? Not anymore than anything else.

In this recent article the exorcist for the Catholic church said that "Harry Potter and yoga are evil."

Well, I don't have an opinion on yoga as I haven't done any research into the matter but I do have an opinion about what he's said of Harry Potter.

His premise is that "In Harry Potter the devil acts in a crafty and covert manner" and “Practising yoga is satanic, it leads to evil just like reading Harry Potter".

You know what? Satan can use the Bible just as much as Harry Potter to make people do evil things. What I'm saying is that Satan can use Harry Potter, but only as much as the next thing. In fact, Satan has worked through the bible to make people do evil things; slavery, the crusades, polygamy...shall I go on?

Did I mention this is coming from a man whose "favorite film is the 1973 horror classic, The Exorcist." and PROMOTES HORROR MOVIES such as "The Rite, a film about exorcism starring Sir Anthony Hopkins as a Jesuit priest."

It seems pretty stupid to me, saying that satan can work through Harry Potter as if it's the worst and only outlet.

thankful

Thanksgiving. Here it is again. That time of year.

Most of you are probably spending this time with a number of friends and family, and a meal that has been slaved over for the past few days.

Normally, we don't do anything like that in my family. My extended family all lives hours, if not states, away so we keep things pretty low key.

It's kind of the belief that we should spend time together, instead of separate doing hours of cooking for a 10 minute meal.

 Usually at Thanksgiving if we have a turkey we've made it several days beforehand, and have sandwiches. If we don't have turkey, we usually have pizza, which is fine with me! (super crazy pizza lover here)

This year however, we are going to drive a couple hours to the abode of a family friend who invited us for the holiday. I'm excited! I think of them as family and am looking forward to visiting.

So what am I thankful for? Well...honestly, everything.

I know it's kind of a cliche and easy to say answer but it's true.

The good and the bad all work together for the glory of Him who holds it all, do they not?

Even when bad things happen, and we cannot see the reason in them beyond the sorrow of the moment, the good and the bad are how we grow, how we live.

And I am thankful for life.

I Worry.

I'm a worrier.
I stress.
I groan.
I procrastinate.
I freak out.
I flip out.
I worry.
I'm a worrier.
It's what I do.
Part of who I am.

And most of the things I worry about, are only there because I picked 'em up and stuck 'em on my shoulders.

Some things that are mine to worry about.
Some things that aren't mine to worry about.
Other things that I created the worry with no reason.

And I can't seem to let go.
To pray, act, let God move.

I worry.
I'm a worrier.

I worry about not trusting God enough.
I worry about "trusting" in a way that's just enabling my procrastination.
I worry about not trusting Him with the right things.
I worry about how other people see me.
I worry I won't graduate high school.
I worry I won't complete math in time to graduate high school.
I worry I won't complete math in time for science.
I worry about college.
I worry about my friends.
I worry about my family.
I worry I don't read my bible or pray enough.
I worry about not going to church
I worry about going to church.
I worry about the fact that my computer is hating me right now.
I worry I write too much.
I worry I don't write enough.
I worry I don't read enough.
I worry I read too much.
I worry I spend my time unwisely.
I worry it's impossible.
I worry it's not worth it.
I worry about driving.
I worry about my health.
I worry about money.
I worry
I worry
I worry

I'm a worrier.

(I'm worried I used worry so much it doesn't even look like a word anymore.)

Camp ::The Recap:: Part 2

Camp is only 5 days long (those who wish to be extremely technical would say only 4 but whatever), and I wish it was longer! Though...I'm not quite sure if I'd be able to survive any more than the five days!

Basically the schedule at camp is like this:


8:30am Breakfast
9:15am Cabin Clean Up
10:00am Silver Lake Live / Morning Service / Small Group Time
12:00pm Lunch
1:00pm Activities
2:00pm Free Time
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm Pre-Service Prayer
7:30pm Evening Service
10:30 Late Night Snack
12:00am Lights Out


It almost goes without saying, if you want a shower in the morning, you wake up at 6 and thus...well...sleep isn't something that you get a lot of! hahaha

Cabin clean up is something that we're required to do (we're teenagers, so its with good reason!). And during Silver Lake Live the camp deans, (one female leader, one male leader) inspect the cabins for cleanliness. Cleanest cabin gets prizes...dirtiest cabin - "pig cabin" - get some chore or something done to them typically. Last year the dirtiest guy cabin got a ton of water dumped on them.

Silver Lake Live is basically a game show every morning while waiting for the cabin inspection to be finished so they can announce the results. Every year there's usually a pretty good prize for the winners too.

Its a volunteer to play thing.

The first year I went to camp, the game was Don't Forget the Lyrics which was absolutely entertaining. The prize was a ton of iTunes and Visa gift cards.
Second year (2009 - the year I met my best friend, Lauren) the game was something of their own devising called Friends or Best Friends. Friends or Best Friends is one of those game shows where if you get a question wrong, something nasty is usually fed to you or dumped on you...eew. The prize was a laptop computer.
Third year (2010) the game was one most of you may be familiar with: Minute To Win It. And the prize was Visa gift cards.

Usually, its something different every year. But this year it was once again Friends or Best Friends. The prize? $200 in Visa gift cards.

Basically, its a game where you have to have a lacking gag reflex, and knowledge of weird facts about your friends. A couple friends of mine, Amanda and Sierra, who had just met decided they wanted to play. Lauren and I who had already come to camp for a few years, and seen this particular game once before, knew better than to volunteer.
 The first game (that Amanda and Sierra competed in) the object of the game was to complete the task in such a time. The task? To place a gold fish (a real goldfish. it may be live, it may be dead) in your mouth, run to the line, spit out the fish and throw it to your friend...who much catch it in their mouth.

I told you it was nasty!

Sierra and Amanda got the least amount of points and were pretty bummed about being disqualified...until the next few days / rounds of the game.

The next day, one friend would fill out a questionnaire and give it to the host of the "show", then the person who filled out the questions had to go and sit on a chair, in a kiddie pool. Then, the other friend would have to correctly answer the questions about their friend. Should they answer incorrectly, a leader on a lift above the friend in the pool, would mix and pour a nasty, slimy concoction of all kinds of nasty stuff and dump it on the person.

Oh yes, it still gets nastier. And yes, we all wonder how they get away with this! hahaha But its entertaining, AND they did volunteer!

Then, on the third day / round it was rather similar. But instead of having nastiness dumped on you, it was more like Will It Blend.
One friend fills out the questionnaire, and the other must answer correctly. Should they answer correctly something edible and nice tasting will be added to their personal concoction in the blender. Should they answer incorrectly something not-so-nice tasting will be added to their concoction.

I'm pretty sure you can imagine just what happens at the end...they have to drink their lovely blend.

Then for the last round of Friends Or Best Friends was basically an obstacle course with challenges (like "eating" a spoonful of cinnamon) that had to be completed in a specific amount of time...the team with the best time won.

{stay tuned for Camp ::The Recap:: Part 3!}

Camp :: The Recap :: Part 1

So I'm sure you're all wondering...about camp I mean!

Camp, as those of you who follow my twitter (@The_Siriana) would know, was EPICALLY AWESOME!

Since it was so epic, this will be the first of a few posts (so that its not one LONG run on one) recapping this years awesomeness. 

Way back last year, a friend of my friend who had only ever heard about camp started calling it the Jesus Party of Awesome, and the name has stuck! Stuck so much that on twitter I even made it its own hashtag / topic #JesusPartyOfAwesome.

Want to know just how epic camp is?

See for yourself!!


YouTube, gotta love it!

Rachel Joy Scott

Some of you may remember a post about my blog design waaay back in December about the quote I had featured in the header of my blog.

I write
NOT for the sake of glory
NOT for the sake of fame
NOT for the sake of success
but for the sake of my soul

That was written by Rachel Joy Scott, the first victim of the Columbine school shootings.

When I was at camp a couple weeks ago, after morning service, during small group time. It was asked of us "who inspires you?". My answer? Rachel Joy Scott.

But I never really got to explain why.

Though I'm not sure what it is I would've said anyway.

I am NOT a beer chuggin', pot trippin', drug dealin' Christian
I AM a God lovin', satan slammin', Jesus freakin', world changin', Christian.
I AM A WARRIOR FOR CHRIST
--Rachel Joy Scott

You see, her story, her journals, her writing and life have inspired me in so many ways.
Helped me to grow in my walk in Christ and God has spoken to me through her words.

Something I want Him to do through my words someday.

Some people would say that her life was wasted, she was so young when she was killed.

But in fact, its rather the opposite.

While her death is tragic beyond words, her life and what it meant is so worth celebrating.

Her life wasn't wasted.

“And as Christians, we need to remember to walk our talk.”--rachel joy scott

Her memorial service was broadcast to people all over the country, all over the world.

And because of her story, thousands of people came to Christ and still are.

Teens stepped forward to "pick up the torch" that had been dropped at her death. (check out the book(s) for more info)

God had has a plan for it all.

He's got this.

What if you were to die today? What would happen to you? Where would you go? Tomorrow is not a promise, but a chance. It may not be there for you. After death, then what? Where will you spend your eternity? Will you have eternal life with your loving Father? Or will you be ripped from the arms of your Savior. Eternity is in your hands; change it!
-Rachel

Do you know what was written on the cover of her last journal?

"I WILL NOT BE LABELED AS AVERAGE"

“I am not going to apologize for speaking the Name of Jesus, I am not going to justify my faith to them, and I am not going to hide the light that God has put into me. If I have to sacrifice everything…I will.” --Rachel Joy Scott {1 year before her death}

Today would have been Rachel's 30th birthday.

Happy Birthday

Impact

While I listen to Justice & Mercy from Flyleaf's new Remember to Live EP, I flip to the back of my Bible and find one of my favorite quotes penned by my former writing mentor, Shannon Kubiak Primicerio in her book God Called a Girl:

"Some of us may reach the masses with our lives; others may only influence a handful of people. But it's not the numbers that matter--it's the fact that we are impacting people for the kingdom of God. Never underestimate the value of impacting just one person. Their whole eternity could be altered as a result of your impact--that's a huge thing!"

So often all of us, as bloggers, as writers, get caught up in the numbers, in the stats and the appearances.

So often we lose sight of what we're really living for.

Whether it's in our writing, our blogs or our everyday lives, there are times when each of us has gotten caught up in what this world says is important and impacting.

I know often, for me, I make it too much about "being better" about seeming smarter, faster and more fashionable than everyone else...and the thing is, I never much succeed at that.

It's just a pointless venture, and empty reason to base life on.

So often we lose sight of what we're really living for.

Our world, our culture, is living and moving at a fast, "fashionable", and frivolous pace that is not only unattainable, but depressingly hard to even attempt to keep up with.

It tells us what things are "worthwhile" and how we should be living our lives as the social and cultural norm.

But this, is a lie.

Our culture says that how far we make it in life is directly proportional to how we look.
The beauty we see portrayed by run way models and in make-up ads is fake. Sure, the mirror doesn't lie, but our culture does.

The purpose for life we are told, by our culture, is to be wealthy, and make oneself into someone everyone else wants to be.
But in reality, money (though not always) corrupts, and while it can make life easier, it is definitely not something to base life on.
Not something to live for.

Our culture says that how famous, how worthwhile we are is defined not only by its idea of "beauty", and expansive "wealth", but also by how many people are our "friends", how popular we are and all those numbers and statistics.

But that too, is a lie.

never doubt the impact your life has; here in the bloggie world, and the great big one outside your window

You and I may never become household or front page names.

We may never be known as one of the richest people on the planet.

And we may never be as "beautiful" as that photoshopped woman in that magazine.

But when we make the decision to say a kind word, to be there for a friend through thick and thin, to spend some time with our family or by making a statement that we're not going to conform, we are impacting someone and we are a part of Gods plan.

So you and I, though we may not have 1000, or even 10 followers on our blogs, (I am thankful and amazed by my wonderful 9) never doubt the impact your life has; here in the bloggie world, and the great big one outside your window.

A Message from Lacey Mosley

I love this message from Lacey Mosley of Flyleaf.
Please, I ask that  you watch it.







blessings this week!