this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

in which I have a new computer // the post of ten days

Day Zero

As I'm typing this, it is actually Friday October 12th 2012 and while I'm not going to be posting this for a while, I wanted to start now.

Because keeping this under my hat (to coin the phrase) is rather part of the excitement.

And I know it's going to kill me, but just waiting is already killing me.

I guess I should probably explain, huh?

As many of you may know, I've been working hard, and saving for a new computer. Because it's been computer woes, and even more computer woes with my poor little laptop.

Which means its been hard to even get a minimum of school done, let alone have the computer power for work as well...making earning money for a new computer all the more difficult.

For my birthday, just a couple weeks ago, I asked that anyone interested in sending me a gift, instead contribute to my computer fund.

Okay, cutting to the chase now......
I was able to order my computer this morning!!!!!!!

It all happened in a crazy turn of events of which I'm not entirely sure how it came about.

Basically I was very generously offered the opportunity to buy my computer now, and pay it off as I have the money. (I will have it mostly paid off by the end of the year.)

And since I will have it, that means I'll be able to do more computer reliant work and make more money that way!

Now, I just want to end this little-beginning with an expression of deep gratitude, and thankfulness, as well as surprise, and excitement.

God works in mysterious ways my friends.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often, as with the arrival of a new computer (that I don't have to battle) is imminent.
Probably a new blog design in the future as well...going to have to get to know some special new programs! ;D

Day Four

So, it is now Tuesday, October 16th.

I think I've already drove my family crazy talking about my new computer.

Have I told you all that I've named it?

Yes...intensely weird and geeky of me...just wait.
Though, in my defense, I've had the name picked out for little more than a month.

On Sunday I asked someone if they'd like to see a picture of my youngest child...then showed them a picture of my computer.

Playing along good natured-ly, she asks "What's her name?"...I don't think she was actually expecting me to have an answer.

Any day now my extra RAM should arrive. My iMac is still due on Friday, and my Adobe Software should be in the mailbox on Saturday.

Day Six

Thursday October 18th.

I think I check the order status for my computer several BILLION times a day.
Okay...maybe not billion in all caps...but it's so much I can't actually be bothered with keeping count.

It's a lot.

Last night I checked the status of my order and became crazy excited because my computer's status had chanced to "shipping to store". (It was "processing order" for the first few days, followed by "preparing for shipment" late, late Tuesday.)

In the moment it was really exciting.

And I was thinking "YESSSS I'M GOING TO HAVE MY COMPUTER ON FRIDAY". Because that's when the "available at store" date said I would be able to pick it up.

Well, *sad face* I looked down and realized that the available-for-pickup date had also changed...to the 22nd.
Meaning Monday.

At first that really bummed me out. A lot. Because I want it now.
However, the patient, logical side of me was rather pleased.

Because on the scale of torture, it's better to wait two extra days to have it, than to get it and have to work for two days while it sits at home. That's way worse.

Now, at least this way it's a slightly nicer agony...and I'll have a few days to play with it *cough* I mean get it all set up and whatnot before I have to clean toilets (during the weekend) again.

And this way, I should have my extra RAM and my Adobe Software already at home, ready to go when I get my computer.

Is this what optimism feels like?

*squeals with excitement*

Day Waiting Over

Tuesday October 23rd, 2012

Yesterday was the super important day in which I picked up my iMac.

Everyone, I would like you to meet Excalibur!

Because, yes, I had to name my computer in an incredibly geeky manner.

I've been working on getting things installed and working; as well as just generally getting the hang of things as this is completely new to me!
You heard that right, this is my first Mac...in fact, I'd never even used a Mac before I got Excalibur up and running last night.

Which makes this quite a leap from PC to Mac.
But I do believe I rather like it.

Also, just a general impression, it's all screen and the screen is HUGE.
Not in a bad way, mind you. I just don't have a very good concept of 27" (or any other measurement...) so yeah, it's more than two feet of screen. Which is pretty massive in the way of screens.
And also amazing.

Which makes editing your first photo with Lightroom insanely gorgeous.

Makes me happy I invested in a camera this spring.

Good things to come my friends. Fantastic, creative things.

And with another mention of my intense gratefulness, I bid you all well, and a goodnight.

computer woes

After getting my wisdom teeth out I was planning and setting up a job that will have me working a weekend in July, a weekend in September, and every weekend in October.

All through August I have another job that I'm working, in a lab.

And so I started seriously talking about replacing my computer.
Sure, it's something that I've talked about in passing, just in consideration; never serious.

But I looked at how much I'd be making and started seriously talking, and seriously looking.

As irony would have it I was talking and browsing and my computer told me "hey, you need to update some stuff."

I figured, yeah, yeah that's important. Let's do that.

A service will be held tomorrow for the passing of my computer which I believe to be no more. Judging by its failure to install updates followed by the blue screen of death and upon it's every attempt to reboot, three more blue screens of death; I would say my laptop has officially reached the end of it's life. This is bad. Very, very, insurmountably bad.

-July 10th via facebook

Little did I know what repercussions a standard update would have.

For those of you who won't know, I've had my computer since the fall of 2008. So it's been almost four years.
Seven months after I bought my computer - right after the battery warranty expired - my battery became obsolete. Except for possibly keeping the connections free from obstructions my battery has been dead weight for the last three years.
That was only the beginnings of my problems.

Don't get me wrong, I love my computer. I bought it, I use it for work and school and I thank God for the provision of it.

It's served me well.

But on with my story.

I updated, normal, useful updates that are usually helpful.
But about halfway through the process of downloading, running and installing updates my computer suddenly lost internet.

Thinking this strange I worried that the router for our wifi had been turned off.
Um, no.
That was working fine.

Something went wrong, the internet was seemingly gone...and then came the blue screen of death.

The bearer of bad news when it shows up on a computer.

And it kept going. Blue screen of death, restart, blue screen of death.

Here's basically what happened via my Facebook updates...

This is what happens when I start seriously discussing getting a new computer. Mine decides to die and fail completely...when I'm still two years of funds out from even getting a new one. -July 11th

Well...my mom and her magical computer knowledge (thank you mom!) managed to get my computer to actually turn on last night and run a scan. everything came up fine. then we turned off the computer and went to bed. turned it on this morning and everything looked fine but as soon as I turned on my wifi *BAM* blue screen of death. So I've hard wired into the wifi router and was able to finish the updates that were interrupted last night because my computer suddenly crashed. Unfortunately, completing the updates didn't solve my problem. -July 11th

I had been planning on buying a lens I need for my camera but with all the computer problems, and crashing, and failing I've been having...it looks like I don't have much choice than to work really hard and spend a lot of money on a new computer. I still won't have it in time for school but...can't really be avoided I'm afraid. -July 14th

And that's the end of my story. The story of the end of the life of my computer.
It's still running or...somewhat...
I'm still never really sure if and when my computer is just going to die. I've been expecting something like this for about a year and a half now...it's coming slower than I thought but it's happening...

I won't have the money for a new computer by the time I need it, the computer that is, but hopefully I'll pick up even more along the way.

working + saving for this = no posting

working weekends

For some people, weekends are a good time for that craft project and some nice relaxation.

For me anymore, weekends are when I'm either sick or working...though there are a few in which I find myself abnormally craft-productive or on a couch potato binge.

Like the weekend I super cleaned my room...that was two days cleaning that came out of nowhere.

This weekend, well, I got to sleep in this morning! But this afternoon and evening I am going to be working.

Fine Arts is coming up!!! Which means I'm working for gas money.

I have some money left over from last year that a family friend generously gave me to put toward Fine Arts. But I've also been doing some house cleaning on a job site of my dads.

Now, this weekend I have painting a room at the church (last year I painted the basement) and have already lined up more work painting much of a house.

Which is pretty much all an answer to prayer! Praising Jesus for the work.

Hope you all have a relaxing and productive weekend!
blessings~

here we go again...

So, I've updated the look...and I'm liking it. 

Here's just a few tidbits of lately, hopefully I'll keep it short.

NEW BUTTON!

  It's at the bottom of the page, and on the 'about' page. Go put it on your sidebar! :-)

Fine Arts

is coming up! April as a matter of fact. Mailing in my registration next week! Meanwhile, thanking Jesus for a place to stay and work to do to earn money for gas. The whole family is coming this year as we're staying with some old friends of my dads. Family road trip! Also, instead of having to drive an hour from where we're staying to the church where FA is, it's at a different church and it's 20 minutes from where we're staying. PRAISE JESUS. He's bringin' it all together.

School

is as school-ey as ever. I will be very glad when my English Lit class is over. Very, very, very glad.

This

in HD + full screen = 15 minutes of epicness.

I cleaned my room

. As in seriously cleaned it...and I've somehow managed to pretty much keep it that way. Miraculous, I know.

I've had my learners permit for six months now and as soon as I have more driving hours done,

I can get my license

. This makes me happy.

Movies

There are a few I'm pretty excited for. Brave and The Hunger Games just to  name a couple. I get goosebumps every time I watch The Hunger Games preview when Katniss volunteers in place of Prim. I actually get teary. And that's unusual for me. I highly suggest HD.

Pinterest

is still a serious obsession for me. There needs to be an AA for pinners.

May It Be

by Enya is awesome. LOTR soundtrack epicness. 

ILL

Yeah, I keep getting sick. Really don't like that. Apparently my immunity needs built back up...I was actually told I need to get out more the other day. By someone who can't remember the names of their neighbors. And this town barely has 200 people in it.

Validation

is a YouTube vid I discovered. It makes me smile. And, for any Bones fans; yes, that is TJ Thyne who plays Hodgens. 








Thanks to being sick...I've gotten hooked on a couple new

tv shows

Mainly Supernatural, which I wouldn't suggest for you more hardcore no witches-evil-sorcery-fiction type Christians...but for those who like a good story and take it as it is, I enjoy it. And when it comes to laughing I definitely suggest Last Man Standing. It's on Hulu. Tim Allen. Hilarious. What more can I say?





supernatural

This

made me laugh very, very much.






I think that's just about everything...I do believe I was successful in keeping each tidbit relatively short and sweet. 

Hopefully I'll post again soon...we'll see! Don't want to completely disappear again. Blogging is somewhat therapeutic. 


blessings to all of you, and to anyone who wants to contact me just leave a comment (I see each one) or email me at: the.siriana@gmail.com

Oh and for more on any of these subjects, just check my lables at the end of the post!

I'm The Kind Of Person

Who thinks they post about something, but they never actually wrote it down.

Who thinks that thought stayed in their head, but it was actually said out loud.

Who thinks they mentioned something important, when they really just had the conversation in their head.

So it raises the question: am I insane????

While all these facts are true, I believe I have had the comfort of knowing that other people have done that too.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not insane. (*insert maniacal laugh here*)

That aside, what I really wanted to get to is the fact that things have happened that are so good and bloggable that I actually think up in my head just what I want to say.

And then for some reason actually think I posted something about them.

When, in reality, I most definitely have not.

If you think like I do (does that mean your insane too? hmnn...) then we may both know what this means...

Catch up time!

Firstly, yes. I passed drivers ed. In case anyone was wondering. With flying colors practically...
Okay, well no, not necessarily "flying colors" (I really should look up the meaning of that metaphor...) more like "mostly average with some exemplary traits".
Or somesuchedness as that.

Secondly, yes. I did just write "somesuchedness".

Thirdly, I have been SWAMPED with school work. In fact, its the land of headacheville.

Fourth (ly?), I HAVE A JOB...again...
In case your new (or just don't have a good memory / pay attention...*cough*like me*cough*) where I live, it's hard to get a job.
So, I have had a series of widely different and rather random jobs.
Cat sitter, weed puller, lawn mower, concessionaire, food prep, cleaner, construction...
Well, the list could go on but I'll refrain from the tediousness.
Since the salon I was working / cleaning for closed I no longer have that job.
But, all is not lost.
I was last - minute offered a job to clean the bathrooms at the fall excursion train rides.
I was eager for a job, albeit a tad apprehensive considering what the job entailed.
However, it pays well and when a job leaps out at you like that when nothing else is on your plate, you take it.

Last weekend was my first weekend working my new job, right after the weekend ended I ended up being offered another job!! And this one is one I have wanted for...well, quite a while. It's the job that I have always thought to myself, "I want that job".
Working concessions at the local movie theater!
So happy! I'll only be working a couple nights a weekend but hey, the movie theater is right across the street from my house and it pays. And I get to see the movies.
Definitely, no complaints!

Lastly, and on a  random note.
A few other places you can follow me,
Pinterest is amazing AND addictive.
Twitter the place where I spout my random thoughts, prayer requests and awesome re-tweets.
Instagram if you have an iPod, iPad or iPhone. Just search for The_Siriana. Or, if you don't, make sure to follow my rag-tag Tumblr where my Instagram shots automatically post.

 Hope you're all well!

Postlessness

Sorry for the lack of posting!

Oh and yes...I have forgotten! Emily of Grace Like Rain tagged me the other day and I went and answered again, but couldn't think of any questions so the tag is still sitting in my draft box...oops! I need to figure out some questions and pass along the tag! Hopefully I'll have that done soon!

Well, I've been busy busy still.
I had my last day of work on Sunday, I loved the job and am extremely grateful for it and am hoping to have it again next year, but I sure am  looking forward to sleeping in next weekend!

What I'm Reading Now

For anyone who wonders or has noticed, SO sorry I haven't had a new book review at Randomly Reading in FOREVER, I think the problem is that its not that I don't have book reviews/books to review, its that I have SO many written ahead that I forget to post new ones every week! I'll probably go and post a new one today I think.

Something I do believe I've forgotten to mention before...but my FAVORITE band is Flyleaf. Lacey Mosley-Strum has an absolutely awesome voice! Well, for my birthday, my awesome friend Nicole made made me a shirt with Flyleaf's logo on it!

 SO awesome right?!
I absolutely LOVE it...and so do a few other people I know that have been trying to steal it ;) haha

Well...time to get back to work...Math next!

hope you're all having an awesome and blessed week!

COMING SOON: Reviews on the Apple iPod Touch 4th Generation & Accessories:

• inMotion Compact Speaker Dock by Altec Lansing
• Belkin Grip Vue TPU Case
• RIOT Screen Protectors

Hello Bloggie World!

Well, since its been a few days I figure its probably time for another post.

School, school, school today of course.
Working on Spanish, Forensic Science, Web Design, Math, Reading, History, Theology...all that good stuff.

And looking forward to a trip to the library later...partly because I have a few books overdue (oops!) and need to take care of that so I can put some others on hold. Anyone read anything good lately?

I was busy busy busy all weekend, working hard at my job.

I've been enjoying my new 4th Gen. iPod Touch. Yes, I did say I would have a review and I will...later when I figure out how I want to write it or whether I should just do a video...suggestions? I guess what I will include is its (her?) name...Jacky yes...some of you are definitely wondering at that! Mary (Jacky) Faber is the main character in the Bloody Jack series by L.A. Meyer. I'll have to include a post about that series soon!


Mood Rings

On a musical note (haha yes...bad pun, I know) has anyone else ever heard the song Mood Rings by Relient K? Its a hilarious and awesome (and true!)song that I had stuck in my head all day yesterday and so I thought I would share its epicness.





Hoping you're all having a good week at school, home and work...blessings to you all!

Jobs and iPods

Well...it seems like SO much has happened since I last blogged!

And yet it also seems like so little...hmmn...I wonder how that works? haha

Well, I think the most exciting thing (really its a God-Thing) is that I have a job!!!

        The wages are BEYOND fantastic, its something I have experience doing and, it actually only part time.

       I'm working about 5 hours every day, two days a week (weekends) and I'm getting paid little over minimum wage (minimum wage is currently $9 per hour) PLUS tips! For anyone who's wondering, I'm working at a food booth on the weekends during October. Essentially I am the one who takes orders and handles the money and that kind of thing...some would say waitressing, however I'm not actually really walking around or moving out of a small area much so I don't consider it to be waitressing. (What just occurred to me is that NO; "waitressing" is not a word let alone a proper term ;)

       So...because I have a job, I'm going to be making money that would (where I live, with the scarcity of jobs especially jobs for teenagers) take me FOUR YEARS to earn, I'm earning in ONE MONTH.
       AND (here's the God-Thing part) before my birthday I prayed and asked God for a really good job 'cause "it would be the perfect birthday gift".
       On my birthday, my mom informed me that the people would need my help the following day and I could start working!
       So, its been really an awesome opportunity I think.

       Because of the job...meaning because I'm actually going to have money for once (lol), I am going to be able to get what I've been saving for! While I'm originally more of a Microsoft person, Apple's new 64GB 4th Generation iPod Touch is just too much of an undeniable technological awesomeness that I want in on it. And so...by the end of the month, I will essentially have an iPod touch!!! SO EXCITING!

       For the past four or five years I've had my 1st Generation Zune 30GB which was an awesome first MP3 player. The bigger screen really nice for watching movies on. But, seeing as its begun showing signs of being on its last leg, I've been considering an upgrade for a while now. (I would also like to point out its a hard-drive based player [for those of you techies who know what the difference is ;) ] and tends to whirr and make noise...oh, and its the size of a small brick haha)

       Anyways...other than that, school is going good though I've kinda been stressing 'bout Spanish (which I think is definitely my worst subject...or at least the one I've come to kind of dread doing...). My favorite subject though is definitely Forensic Science 'cause...well...I'm good at that one.

I think its just about time to end this post! haha

Questions? Comments? I don't hate either ;)

blessings!