Thursday, December 25, 2014


Today is Christmas. Something I'm sure we're all well aware of by now.
I don't have much more to say here, this year it just didn't really feel like Christmas to me, I'm not entirely sure why. I've made no Christmas music, nor winter photography posts. I just haven't felt like it.
Soon, my blog is going to be changing quite dramatically; drastically even. Something that should come around New Years.
I need a change, and right now it's what I can change.

Now all I can do is wish you all well as we closeout 2014, as we celebrate the remainder of it's holidays; as I am not sure there will be another post here.

See you on the other side.

WATCHING: what if LISTENING: 'tenerife sea' by ed sheeran READING: 'The Original Folk & Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm'

Thursday, November 20, 2014

last breath of autumn

Before November came with winter I captured some glimpses of autumn as it breathed its last.

LISTENING: 'funnel of love (feat. madeline follin)' by sqürl from the 'only lovers left alive' soundtrack

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

welcome to november

October sucked.
Normally, October is the pivotal month of my favorite season.

A lot has happened since my last post. More in fact than I feel inclined to post about, more than I feel I have words for.

But I'll recap some of October for you.

September 28th was a night tragedy struck our small community. September 29th was the day it rung through our little towns, across Facebook and inexorably into all our lives.
September 28th a girl just shy of 19, just having graduated and moved away earlier this year, finally on to college and her future, a girl who I've known for practically 15 years, died.

Two days later I turned 20.

After that I was sick. A lot. Causing me to cancel comic convention volunteering plans I've been looking forward to and planning for weeks.

October 20th my first cat who has been a part of our family for nearly 17 years, died.

Since then I've been sick some more, but am currently on a healthy streak.

I've gone on a few photography expeditions before Winter came with the later days of November.

I started a new journal.

I applied for two jobs.

I've been wanting, wishing, waiting to put my wool locs back in, and have yet to because of how they could influence my chances at a job.

I've started reading again. Well, I'm making myself read again. I've barely finished a handful of books in...well, longer than I can remember. I find myself losing interest, not finding anything I feel is worth reading, or even if something good, just not finishing. But I'm working on that. I'm rereading the 'Inheritance Cycle', and I'm reading books on history, archaeology, language.

I've been editing pictures, catching up with far away friends.
Trying to figure out my life.

Here's to an already better November.

WATCHING: vampire diaries LISTENING: 'too close' by alex clare & 'fear inside our bones' by the almost

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

music for the now - have a listen // the walk

Music is something that both encompasses, and is incredibly integral to life.

So far 2014 has been one of realization, frustration...the quarter life or downright existential crisis as it's called. Throughout everything there is always music, and I wanted to share some of the music that I think is something of a reflection, and a part, of where I am.

deep in a wood
where nothing is seen
a tightrope is strung to his heel
and high on the walk
he's down on one knee
he waits for the slow of the breeze

oh, wow
look at him now on his feet
high up in the sky

and every moment
extends endlessly
if feels as though time isn't moving
and every second
hold breath not to breathe
and watch as he moves to the beat

well down on the floor
I watch from my seat
I watch as he sways with the trees
and slowly he moves
but so elegantly
I'm all on the edge of my seat

on the tightrope
everything's bare
all that there is
from here to there
on the tightrope
the goal is quite clear
don't lose yourself in your


everyone waits on a walk
some are long
and some small
but all of them tall

and everyone must make a choice
will I go for it all
possibly fall

the tightrope is thin
I could possibly win on
the walk

well high on the walk
the tightrope it bends
and nobody knows where it ends

to win or to lose
you're all on your own
'cause everyone must be alone
on the tightrope
everything's bare
all that there is
from here to there
on the tightrope
the goal is quite clear
don't lose yourself in your


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

the future

The future is something that has always illuded me.
People who know me well can, I'm sure, attest to the fact that I don't have a great concept of the passing of time.
The future is scary and I always feel like I don't know enough to make a sound decision, so often I turn to what I've learned in the course of my own life, in my past, and in what I know of the past of others and the world.
It could be said that my outlook to the future has always been in the perspective of the past.

Because of the illusiveness of the future for me, I have never solidly had a goal, I've never really had a college I've wanted to go to, or anything specific I wanted to study. There's so many variables to take into account,that the very thought petrifies me. Though neither does it help when I have such a myriad of interests and things that I enjoy, the weighing of pros and cons as far as work and study and if I could live with it can take up an enormous amount of time and energy.

I've been done with high school since 2013, but doing college work since 2011.
However my life has changed minimally as far as having an ambition. Despite the moving away, the marriages and having of children by many of the same people I met in preschool, as the saying goes "the more things change the more things stay the same".

All this time of anxiety and deliberation and second guessing has brought me to this point here now.
This point that is one still of anxiety, with thoughts of second guessing still scattered in my head but I feel as if the deliberation is over.

In my past few quarters of community college work the college/future deliberation has come down all the way to whether or not I even want to go to college, and whether or not it's worth it.
My own desires in the mix, I have to study something that I do love, something I find interest in and connect with, something I'm passionate about.
Because as I'm sure you all know, university costs a lot of money.

I have to do something that makes my life worth living.

With all these interests and hobbies of mine I found myself again looking back to look forward.
I thought back to my childhood, you know, when we're asked all the time what we want to be when we grow up.
A lot of the time I didn't answer, because it seemed so far away, and because I felt like I had answered the question enough, and because it kind of scared me.
But there has always been something that I've always loved, always been interested in, something I always had a study of stashed away for answering the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?". Even through the ups and downs of science and mathematics, all the art, there has been one thing I've always loved, always been good at. Something in one way I've always answered with.
"Archeologist." "Paleontologist." "Egyptologist." "Zoologist." "Historian."

History. Every time when it came down to it: history. Always.
I've always looked back to go forward, I've always felt a weight of importance upon the past as something that repeats, time is cyclical, but without and understanding and study of it we are doomed to repeat the mistakes, and the horrors, and the atrocities many of us don't like to admit happened, even still happen.

As all these thoughts of things I had wanted to do, answered this permeating question with, the thought that flew through my mind with a resounding clarity was "I'm not so good with the future, maybe it is that mine lies in the past."

So many things have lead to the decision that's more of a realization, both of where I want to go, and what I want to study, something that I haven't come down to lightly.

I want to get a Masters degree, with honors, with the combined major of History/Archeology from the University of Edinburgh.

That's right.
As in Scotland, literally in Scotland.

Yes it's far away, yes it's another country, but it's a university that is so old it's older than our country. Signers of the Declaration of Independence are Alumni. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle went to school at Edinburgh.
And it's how immensely in history itself that makes it the place I want to go, it has so much history and historical resources on hand. Most universities I've been looking at don't offer a combined major like they do. Not to mention American colleges do the total waste of 2 years doing "common core" which is code for everything you just did in high school, and I typically wouldn't be able to get a Masters unless I did grad school as well. But I digress on the completely rant-able topic of American higher education.

No, it isn't cheap or even affordable. But weighed against U.S. universities I would actually save money just on the fact that I wouldn't waste two years on general subjects, nor have to go to grad school. Not to mention, for a university especially of the size, reputation and age of UOE, it's cheaper than all of equal standing in the States.

The problem? It would still be really expensive. Four years is still going to be just over $100,000 in tuition alone, not to mention the cost of living, and required field work for Archeology.
And also the fact that I would have no money to come home basically at any point in those four years.
Don't even get me started on how financial aid doesn't apply towards overseas universities, and very few scholarships I can seem to find do either. But I'm dredging my way through them, which is super stressful and depressing.

I know there will be many of you who are going to read this and have questions about other things I am known for being I guess good at or having expressed interest in.
The big two probably being writing and photography. Thus I'm going to take a second to address those.
Photography is something I love. It's something that helps me with my perspective and outlook on the world, in that through the lens of a camera I can more easily see the beauty and hope and light in the world even in the worst. It's something I can't quite do justice in an attempt to explain just how much photography means to me. And it is something I have had such an interest in and love for for so long that I have considered very much doing something along the lines of photojournalism or something photography / photo media related. However, it's one of those things that I love, that has so much resource freely available and is something I don't feel the need to learn in a classroom. I don't think I would be able to have the same love and appreciation for it if I did it for grades, and then as a career. Much like baking, something I love doing, but only really on my terms otherwise it just isn't enjoyable if I have to if that makes sense.
Writing, is the biggest I think if the two. It's something I've won awards for, had published authors encourage me in, and be mentored and schooled in quite extensively, and all this I'm so incredibly thankful for. It's something I know I've grown in a lot, and it's not something I'm letting go or losing, quite the contrary I feel. Every big idea for stories I've had, you know what they've been? Historical fiction. And every time I've started I wind up delving more into history and the story gets set aside by the research and learning and I have less character and more of the research. I just love history, and it's something that should I desire, I can write about. I positively love the idea of making history more accessible through stories, all my favorite books have had touches and weavings of history in them.

For so many reasons all my indecision, anxiety and general lack of direction about my future, about college, it was a horrible feeling of being caught in between expectations and reality and it's a really terrible and depressing and confusing place to be. I don't even want to talk about how many drafted posts I have for this blog that are talking about that very feeling.
I'm not entirely out of that place, for many of the reasons it was such a hard place for me to be in my life.
But now things have changed, and as quoted earlier "the more things change the more things stay the same". Because one of the many reasons for my indecision and stress on the topic is the intense gravity of what it costs to go to college, a fear and deep well of anxiety that is now more present than ever.

So what's worse? Being completely ambition/direction -less for an overwhelming myriad of reasons, or finally figuring out what you want to study and where you want to go; just to be faced with the massive wall of implausibility that puts Mt Everest to shame.

Honestly? It's a toss up.

Monday, June 30, 2014

cemetery thoughts

{not my cemetery - not my picture}

One of my many duties in my summer job is carefully weed whacking around the headstones, and everywhere the lawnmower cannot reach in the town cemetery.
Believe it or not, I think there's probably as many people buried up here as there are living in the town. And for a town that barely even had a population of 200 that's saying something.
Every week I read headstones as I go by.
Each time I notice something different, get around to doing the math on different dates. Maybe it's just some morbid curiosity on my part, but whatever reason I do it, sometimes there's moments where you sit and think.
A boy, not far past 17, died in 1950. So much was changing, so much starting to happen, oh how much he missed.
Then there's the war babies, the people who you can tell we're the product of a soldier going off to war, same for the war marriages.
Then there's all the babies. All the little headstones, some even within my lifetime. Some all the way from the late 1800's.
Perhaps those that seem the saddest I have encountered being one for a baby boy, born in the early 1900's, barely having lived ten days. Then not even a year later, a little sister who lived but a week. And next headstone down, dying not quite a year after that, their mother.
Then there's the boy who died at 19, I realized, shuddering at the same age.
It's interesting to see how many generations of a family are up there. How longstanding in the community some of the families of kids I've grown up with are.
Though the most interesting, I would have to say, are all the pioneer graves. Graves with newer headstones only able to mark them as "Pioneer". Their names long since lost to weather and time, as records degraded and one day there was no one left to remember.

WATCHING: maleficent LISTENING: 'once upon a dream' by lana del ray

Saturday, June 21, 2014

hello summer

As of this past Thursday, the 19th, I am finally, officially, fantastically done with Spring Quarter 2014!

While I am currently fending off what seems to be a horrible strain of the flu, summer has officially started as a season so here are some of my summer essentials!

the gear bag

knapsack / strap purse combo

Summer 2013 I bought this bag before my trip to Colorado, and used it the entire summer. Not only is it vibrantly colored, it held up quite well! Packed everything I needed for my days out in Colorado (and I pack with everything I might possibly need). Also, SUPER CUTE. To prepare for this summer, I just preemptively reinforced a couple of spots like the pocket and straps, and I'm good to go for Summer '14! The small purse wallet was perfect to have my quick draw essentials like the cell phone, ID, and cash in. The only downside, is the velcro has worn out quite a bit since last summer.

wood earrings

I don't know about you guys, but my piercings have an unfortunate disposition of having bad reactions to just about everything. Except gold, which is obviously rather expensive, and for me too expensive to wear every day. Also, I'm more of a silver tone jewelry girl myself. But I digress!
Wood post earrings I think are essential because for me, no bad reaction! I can put a pair of these in and wear them, just with your typical in-ear piercing cleaning maintenance. No changing my earrings every day, forgetting to put a pair in, and winding up with half healed ears. Because despite having had my ears pierced for nearly a decade now, they will still heal shut; surprisingly quickly.
(the first pair are my current favorites and what I'm wearing, the second were my very first pair which got me hooked, and the third will be my next purchase!)

solid footwear

I'm big into the longevity of footwear, something that probably stems from how long it took for my feet to quit growing so more than $20 could be spent on a pair of shoes. I don't even want to talk about the year I grew and had to get new shoes every month. However, since my feet inevitably ceased their growing, I ceased going through shoes so quickly. In fact, the first pair of shoes that were in the next price bracket, I still have. They've been worn into the ground as work shoes for the majority of their life, but I think the fact that I have a pair of $40 Airwalk skate shoes that are a decade old is quite something...even if shoe glue was involved.
Thus my third summer essential is SHOES. Specifically for me, my two suggestions being Frye Engineer boots and Birkenstocks, respectively.
While obviously being pricier - especially the Frye's, eek! - there's something to be said for the craftsmanship and, you guessed it, longevity. But don't let the price scare you away! While Birkenstocks are something I would lean towards the suggestion of buying new over used - as they mold to your feet in a way quite blissful - you can find them for more affordable in the knockoff, and secondhand forms! And, double win, they're currently back in style - BIG TIME.
Since I've been wanting a pair since my first when I was about 10 (yay goodwill!), they're undoubtedly my next purchase for this summer.
Frye's are classic. And I mean classic. Frye is a company that's been around since the 1800's. Yes, the 1800's. While not all of their shoes are still made in America, their Engineer collection still is, one of the many great purchase points. But, there still is that price tag. But do not fear! I wound up with mine through a promise I made to myself that if I found what I wanted, in my size for under $150 I would get them. Within a few months, and what can only be described as obsessive ebay browsing, I nabbed my pair for a fantastic $100; and that's even after shipping and tax. Score!
These are boots that I'm going to be wearing for many years to come, especially because they can be resoled; something mine will be going in for in the next year or so. And in my experience over the last year of practically everyday wear: they go with positively everything, work rain or shine, and are perfect for slipping something like an extra pocket knife into. Just saying.

Whatever your plans for summer are, have fun and be safe this season!
If you enjoyed this post sharing a few of my summer essentials, let me know in the comments below and I'll work on sharing some more!

I do hope to be posting more frequently this summer, but if last year was any indication, no promises!
Make sure to like the page on Facebook for updates on new posts, and giving me feedback as I throw out some new ideas for posting this summer!

WATCHING: x-men: days of future past LISTENING: 'kings and queens' by thirty seconds to mars

Monday, June 16, 2014

coming soon to a theater near you

I don't know about you guys, but I'm something of a movie lover? Movie buff? Videophile? Film fan?
Whatever the preferred term for the fact that I really freaking love watching movies (and tv series - but that's an entire other conversation).

As I am currently stressed with my upcoming finals and thusly here procrastinating, here are the films I am currently looking forward to seeing for myriad reasons.



how to train your dragon 2

Any other Thirty Seconds to Mars fans catch the song choice? Totally made me geek out because, well I love that song.


Obviously this is one I have been talking about, posting about, and squealing about being excited for for months.

days of future past

I'm oh-so skeptical and even downright cynical, but you can bet your favorite comic book I'm gonna go see this.


Seriously though, this movie looks like it's going to be amazing.

the giver

I think I need to read this series.

the penguins of madagascar


winter's tale

While it's been out since February, I have yet to have the chance to see this in either the theater, or now that it's on DVD (Netflix doesn't have it out yet).

if i stay

well this doesn't look like I'll cry or anything

what if

rom com + Daniel Radcliffe everybody

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

stress and the prevailing lovely things

You know me, terrible at keeping an updated blog.
Stress, it gets to me, that is the brunt of it really.
The stress of school work and it gets down to the point where I don't do nearly anything, because I'm so frightened of doing it, but cannot bear the guilt of doing anything else. It's a fearful kind of procrastination.

But these things aside, I wanted to at least take the bit of time to share some of my instagraming of late.

School is almost done, and much work is upon me for the summer. It is, however, of a much less stressful nature to me. Yes, I got a job, and with any luck soon to be yet another job for the summer season.

Until I have the forethought and inspiration for a more substantial post, here is an update of the highlights of my instagram feed, since last time. It's kind of a treat, to see the seasons change through these pictures over the last few months.


RE-WATCHING: how i met your mother AND doctor who LISTENING: agnes obel

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