Wednesday, January 02, 2013

a new year

{all images are mine}

messages in bottles
what does the new year hold
can it be found
in pieces of glass
almost a century old
as sunlight catches
as the day falls
as seasons change
comes new years
new hopes
new pains

still light shines through

I'm going to be honest with all of you.

The very idea of 2013 was scary to me.

But it wasn't so much a new year, but the fact that I viewed 2012 as wasted. That my laziness and fear got in the way of everything I could have done, everything I could have accomplished.

Because it's still so easy, so easy to believe in the warped perspective fed by the fear of failure. The warped perspective that by not trying, there is no risk, thus there is no chance of failing.
But by not taking risk, by not stepping out, by not doing anything, by not even trying...therein is failure.

I could have done so much more in 2012. I could have accomplished so much more.

I am blinded to that which I did, but it seems to pale in comparison to what I didn't. To what I could have.

It's the fact that 2012 would, at that strike of midnight, be gone forever. That there would be no more attempts, no more chances, to redeem that year.

And it's that fear that I can already feel dragging me down. The fear that 2013 will be full of failure, that it will, at its end, be viewed as a waste.

I don't want it to be.

So here's what I want to accomplish this year. In 2013.

I want to sell t-shirts and raise the money to attend National Fine Arts Festival in August. It's my last year for Fine Arts Festival, and I want to go all the way. The only thing to ever stand in my way is money. My God is bigger than money.

I want to work hard, to truly believe in my Fine Arts entries. I don't want them to just be something I threw together, knowing it would be "good enough". I want to return to that inspiration, that feeling of joy in what I've created.

I want to finish high school math. It's the only thing standing in my way of fully graduating, I'm the only thing in the way of completing it. My own laziness, and yes, fear, of failing at math kept me from even trying. I want to finish.

I want to pay off my computer.

I want to learn how to use all the programs I have on my computer.

I want to figure out a way to go to college. A way to pay for it. I want to figure out what is worth the cost of going to college.

I want to believe in the possibility of a future beyond what I have always known.

I want to do something, go somewhere, make a difference.

I don't want to rationalize my way out of opportunities to do things because it sounds too risky or too hard.

I want to grow closer with the people I love.

I want to see my best friend's book published.

There's more. Things that don't come directly to mind...but basically, most purely, I want to try. Even if I fail. The attempt itself...for me, is a victory. I want to try, and do, and finish. So at least if I fail, it was an honest failure; because I tried.

here's to life, and hope, and a new year

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- listening: megalithic symphony (album) by awolnation --- watching: numb3rs

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