It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.
There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.
I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.
I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.
As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year.
This post.
And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.
Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.
Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for
it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college
for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.
Because this year, this year I made headway.
I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.
I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.
I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.
And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.
I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.
I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.
I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.
I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.
I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.
I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I
believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.
So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.
And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.
So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy.
In its reality.
So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning,
into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that
I have no idea.
carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre
