Something's Gotta Give: The American Higher Education System

My final college English paper, a "researched argument of fact", in which I argue that the American higher education system is in need of a revitalization.

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Something’s Gotta Give: The American Higher Education System

College. University. Higher education is known by many names and faces. But, as high school students near graduation, pressures and demands regarding higher education, and the futures come into the picture. Just what is the point of higher education? Is a degree worth all that much in todays job market? Is it too much of a gamble to fall into student loans to pay for a future that is so uncertain? As prices rise, scholarships change, funding disappears, and disillusionment and cynicism rise, students are calling for a change. It’s time for a revitalization in higher education.

There is a great societal impression upon us that a higher education - read a degree - is imperative to success not only as far as our careers go, but the rest of our lives. The key to middle class, as it were. In fact, “The completion of postsecondary education has become a minimum requirement for young adults seeking a place in America’s middle class” (Quinterno 4). However, despite the pressure to go to college, no matter what it takes, at the same time there is something of a conflict in the “advice” of society, such is a pressure felt by many students. It is shown here expressed in this tumblr “chat” post. One blogger demonstrates a students feelings regarding this societal pressure and conflict. 

The post has since garnered 136,114 “notes”; notes being the amount of times other users have favorited and shared the post on their own blogs. The “notes” continue to rise. While not every single person in the United States of America expresses such an opinion - and such a generalization is just that, a generalization - from the statistics for the post alone it can be said that there are many students who share these feelings.

Academic pressure abounds. While this isn’t anything new for the high school students of today, higher education brings with it an even heavier pressure to succeed (Kadison; DiGeronimo). To pass, even if you’re not truly absorbing knowledge or pursuing something you have an interest in. 

Over the past decade alone, major changes have come about in the economy of the United States. A disturbing amount of funding for colleges has been cut. As far as higher education is concerned, the cost of college has risen, scholarships have changed and even disappeared; all the while the average income of the middle class American has not seen much of a rise. “Although the incomes of the bulk of American households stagnated over the past two decades, the price of higher education escalated steadily” (Quinterno). 

Despite the fact that the majority of students enrolled in higher education are attending public, two-year colleges it is these very same colleges that “cuts in spending on instruction are deepest in” (Wellman).

Textbooks, while not considered a part of tuition, are an additional and major expense that takes its toll on students. In an article for The Huffington Post, one Tyler Kingkade writes “College textbook prices have increased faster than tuition, health care costs and housing prices, all of which have risen faster than inflation.” In the last 30 years the price of textbooks has gone up by 812% ,  frighteningly faster than the 559% increase in tuition and fees (qtd. in Kingkade). Sadly, textbooks don’t even hold their value. Within 3 years, what was once a new, high priced, textbook can already be a thing of the past, as classes require the new editions the industry has already produced. 

New editions are released on average every 3.9 years, but a 2008 report from the California state auditor found many college deans, department chairs and faculty members admitted revisions to textbooks are often minimal and not always warranted (qtd. in Kingkade).

In speaking with adults - who are considered both middle-aged, and middle-class - the general consensus among those who did not attend a college or university, but instead pursued job and career opportunities straight out of high school, is that they made the right choice. They found themselves already in well paying, management positions, in their careers by the time friends who attended college or university were graduating. When those who attended college reached graduation, they were already into their 20‘s, with loans to pay off, little or not job experience, and finding it difficult to secure employment. Many of those who did pursue higher education are just now, upwards of 25 years after graduating from a college or university, are finally nearing, or successfully paying off loans taken out to pay for their education.

Many debtors over 40 are still paying balances from college years ago, while their home values and savings have declined sharply in recent years. Some have stopped payments after losing jobs. Many parents—no longer able to tap home equity to pay for their children's education—are taking out new student loans to do so (Mitchell).

How frightening is it that the rest of one’s life can be so immeasurably defined and impacted by the attempting to further education after high school? According to recent data, the number of American’s with student debt shot up in 2012; from 23 million in 2005, all the way to 37 million (qtd. in Mitchell). 

Students therefore have turned to debt as a means of bridging the gap between attendance costs and available financial aid resources. It is unsurprising, then, that the volume of outstanding student loan debt has grown by a factor of 4.5 since 1999 and that Americans now collectively owe more in outstanding student loan debt than credit card debt (Quinterno 28).

What comes after college? Higher education seems to be viewed as something where the ends justify the means. But is the massive debt worth a degree, and does a degree truly guarantee success in life, and the job market? 

...there is growing anxiety in America about higher education. A degree has always been considered the key to a good job. But rising fees and increasing student debt, combined with shrinking financial and educational returns, are undermining at least the perception that university is a good investment (“Not what it used to be”.

 Back in the day, having secured a degree or some form of higher education made you stand out. It said that this was someone who values knowledge and has the drive to commit to succeed. In an article published in The Economist, the writer expresses that American higher education is “Not what it used to be” (“Not what it used to be”). However, in today’s world, having a degree from an institution of higher education is rather commonplace. Uncollege.org, posits essentially that because so much of the working population has gone, or is going to college, a degree no longer guarantees success (UnCollege.org/about). Erika Andersen, in her article for Forbes.com expresses that “in the US, we over-rely on time spent in school as a measure of intelligence…and of fitness for a job.” As it is, many subjects are considered something that a student will not find employment in. In one such instance, via Forbes, Peter Cohan goes so far as to suggest that some subjects should be altogether removed from higher education, just to avoid post-college un-employment, “...cut out the departments offering majors that make students unemployable.” While such a suggestion is drastic - and quite possibly detrimental to the overall growth of knowledge on a personal basis - as far as having a better chance of a job after college, he’s not necessarily wrong. “...academia’s effort to preserve its special exemption from the laws of economics is becoming too burdensome for many students, parents, and lenders to bear” (Cohan).

There are, however, alternatives to the higher education system of today. One of which has been around for centuries, but has sadly been pushed aside and frowned upon. The apprenticeship. “Largely overlooked...apprenticeships offer a promising route for preparing...students for high-skilled jobs and professions.” In her paper on apprenticeships and the place they could have in American higher education, author Diane Auer Jones suggests something slightly different from what we all feel and know; “maybe college isn’t broken”. 

Pressure to go to college can be great. Students may have heard from parents, high-school staff, elected officials, and the media that only by going to college can they enjoy a financially secure future and social prestige...[But] the college experience may not be a good fit for all students (Jones 1). 

Sadly there are students considered “at-risk”. Students who deal with learning disabilities such as ADD, ADHD and dyslexia, for example, do not learn in the same way as the average student and benefit as “kinesthetic learners” in the environment an apprenticeship provides (Jones 1). Not only do apprenticeships offer a way of learning better suited to those who need to understand the real-world applications of what they’re being taught, but they also bridge that gap between school, and working to pay for it. “For apprentices...school is work and work is school, so learning and working occupy the same space and time, rather than competing for attention” (Jones 2).

Forbes, one of the worlds most acknowledgeable in the world of business and finance, has a website that can be found surprisingly packed full of articles introducing the wisdom of postponing, or even avoiding going to college altogether. 

In “Do I Really Need To Go To College?” Erika Andersen writes, “I’m convinced there are some people for whom college is simply not the best way to learn.” 

“Why You Should Postpone College” writer Brett Nelson writes, 

I propose a theoretical pre-college regimen called “grownup training”...Specifically: six months spent working in a factory, six in a restaurant, six on a farm and six in the military or performing another public service such as building houses, teaching algebra or changing bedpans.

Essentially, a “gap year” or, in this case, two involving learning and gathering work experience and knowledge in the real world before committing to college.

All the while, not attending an institution of higher education at all is also an option (Schlack).

So what is the solution? While I am only a student aspiring to further my knowledge, and myself do not have the experience to definitively suggest a solution, it’s safe to say that there is something wrong with the way the higher education system is operating. Lack of funding, societal pressures, the financial situations of most students, the high costs of an education, economic and career stability, all have lead to a growing cynicism and disillusionment. It’s time for a revitalization in education. 

I propose, perhaps it may oversimplify a complex and pressing issue, and what I’m proposing would be no small feat; but what if higher education was not just seen as something you have to do, but a way to expand your mind and prepare you for your future? What if college didn’t cost an insane amount of money that will take you a lifetime to pay? What if instead of having to invest money in general classes, students were only required to take classes directly relevant to their chosen career or degree; thus cutting down on costs. True, some students require general studies, but many are very similar, if not in some ways, the same as what was (supposed) to have been taught in high school. What if general studies were the electives?

What if the higher education system were to evolve and merge with apprenticeships to create degree programs that not only instill knowledge, but also real world application and experience. All while focusing on the things that are of direct import to the students area of study and chosen career.

What if? 

It’s time for a revitalization in higher education.

Works Cited

Andersen, Erika. “Do You really Need To Go To College?” Forbes. Forbes.com LLC, 6 August 2012. Web. 1 June 2013.

Cohan, Peter. “To Boost Post-College Prospects, Cut Humanities Departments.” Forbes. Forbes.com LLC, 29 May 2012. Web. 1 June 2013.

Jones, Diane Auer. "Apprenticeships Back to the Future." Issues in Science and Technology 27.4 (2011): 51-6. ProQuest. Web. 24 May 2013.

Kadison, Richard, Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. “Academic Pressures at College.” Education.com. John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2004. Web. 24 May 2013.

Kingkade, Tyler. “College Textbook Prices Increasing Faster Than Tuition and Inflation.” The Huffington Post. TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. 4 January 2013. Web. 1 June 2013.

Mitchell, Josh. “Student Debt Hits The Middle-Aged.” The Wall Street Journal.Dow Jones & Company, Inc. 17 July 2012. Web. 3 June 2013.

Nelson, Brett. “Why You Should Postpone College.” Forbes. Forbes.com LLC, 25 January 2012. Web. 1 June 2013.

“Not What It Used To Be.” The Economist 1 Dec. 2012. Print.

Quinterno, John. “The Great Cost Shift: How Higher Education Cuts Undermine The Future Middle Class.” Dēmos. Dēmos, 3 April 2013. Web. 23 May 2013.

Schlack, Lawrence B. “Not Going to College is a Viable Option.” Education.com. American Association of School Administrators. Web. 24 May 2013.

Uncollege.org/about. Uncollege.org, 5 April 2013. Web. 1 June 2013.

“The United States of America on college education.” Tumblr. Web. 1 June 2013.

Wellman, Jane V. "THE HIGHER EDUCATION FUNDING DISCONNECT: Spending More, Getting Less." Change 2008: 18-25. ProQuest. Web. 24 May 2013 .

June

Wow. Where has this year gone?
I feel like it was just last week that 2013 began, and now here we are, half-way through the year.

There's a lot ahead for me this summer, and the last couple weeks of my college classes. Honestly, there's so much that I'm stressed about. But there's so much that I'm excited about too!

I'm going to be adventuring for the first bit of summer vacation. Though I suppose I could look at it rather that I'm adventuring for the first bit of my gap year. Wow...

I have no idea what the future holds, and I'm stressed and it freaks me out, but deep down inside there's an inner sense of peace, calm, and belief that greater things are yet to come.

That this, is only the beginning.

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

we're not just seniors, we're graduates

My Facebook is a-flood with prom and senior pictures.
Graduation announcements are being sent, and I am realizing.
I'm realizing that a chapter is closing. Maybe more, maybe an entire volume is closing.
Because we're graduating, all of us. My friends who already have, and those who are, even those who I've grown apart from, we're seniors now.
There's so much ending. And despite how close we have, or haven't been, we are nearing a parting of ways which is likely to take us all in so many different directions.
Many of us will never see each other again.

We're not just seniors, we're graduates.
We're adults.

There's this great big future ahead of us filled with decisions, and opportunities.

We've all gone through so much, and life is just beginning. Our stories don't end here.

And even though it's close to the bit I shared for last year's graduates, I don't think it's lost it's meaning.
I'm home schooled, I don't get a graduation ceremony. So sit back for the cliche but (hopefully) ultimately meaningful, because this is my podium.

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to us, the graduates

We've done it. Somehow we've managed to successfully navigate the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of our lives.

While it's painful being on the receiving end of my pun-shenanigans, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I've managed picked up along the way; I have found that we, the human race, are a fickle and forgetful bunch. As such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life inevitably throws at us, and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone who will complain about, belittle, and mocks us. It's not just high school, it's life.
As someone who's actually been working and doing some college classes for a while now, I can say it's pretty messy and doesn't change much.
Because unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but always try to remember the good, the positive, and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened, and all that is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And, in one of my few and far between moments of what could be called a philosophical-wisdom, I have can be quoted as saying:
"endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
Strangely, that seems to have a deep, inherent meaning; and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy - especially when we're young - to let little things stand in our way, let little things feels like "the end of the world".
Well, here's the thing, endings aren't all bad, and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me, because as a person who - as I image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic - penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
(Please feel free to laugh here.)
So whether we decide to throw the lemons at people, or make lemonade; take a step back, keep perspective in mind, and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

Lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I want to share words I carry with me, and thus feel I should impart in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.
seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, listen to me or not.
Everything's a choice.
Let's just use the lemons, okay?

have a listen // vox populi

unfortunate days

Today is one of those unfortunate days.
Where nothing feel's right, and it's as if the world is against me.
When I feel as if I cannot do anything right.
As if the world is spinning off it's axis and I am lost, hurtling through space.
With the air closing in, inky blackness brushing against me.
And despite the shine of distant stars, their light is still too far.

of driving

I've mentioned before, that I don't particularly like driving.

Giant death machine made of metal and plastic, moving at speeds beyond my own ability; that I'm secured in and placed in charge of.

When you think about it, it's really rather disturbing. When I think about it, I over think it.

I successfully got my license on Friday, yesterday.
We woke bright and early (literally. the sun had just barely risen.) and drove for two hours to the DOL so I could get my Enhanced License.
Well, more confusion, waiting, bad pictures, and DMV smells later, and I had a temporary license shoved into the pages of The Hobbit.
A regular license. Yes, but when the hard copy comes in, I'll then be able to go and get my Enhanced. (long story)

When I passed my drive test a couple weeks ago, it was like a great stress, a great weight, was lifted off my shoulders.
For so long I felt like I didn't have what it took to pass the test, and that by extension I wasn't a good driver.
Typically, when I over think something, when I worry so hard about failing, I will. And for quite a while, whether or not I actually was failing, it felt like it to me.

Then when I made it, I passed my drive test, I did well, I succeeded, I realized, I wasn't some horrible driver after all.
I can do this.
It was nice.

My uncle gave me a car earlier this spring. It's what spurred me on to get my license.
The opportunity that I'd be able to take myself to the lake in the summer. Not having to coerce or pay for gas for the van for my parents to drive me places.
I finally had a reason to really, really try to get my license.

And today, I found myself behind the wheel of my car - still funny saying that, "my car" - with my license in my pocket.
My license, that I achieved.
And instead of squiggling around in my seat, second-guessing myself and imagining all the horrible ways I had to fail - stick shift, no less - I didn't think about it. I didn't sit and worry. I acted, I did, I learned.

And you know what? I was pretty dang good at it.

LISTENING: this is war (album) by 30 seconds to mars READING: the hobbit by j.r.r. tolkien WATCHING: buffy

pieces of 2012

the driving of the automobile

I realized today, that I actually have a topic, a life-happening, which I find myself with words to blog about:
driving.

I don't know if I ever mentioned it -- and seeing as I'm to lazy to check my archive and find out, I'll tell you all anyway -- I took drivers ed in the fall of 2011.
Though it was a busy, long few months, it was filled with memorable moments. In fact, it was a lot of fun. I got to spend time and hang out with one of my best friends, Savanah, and we practically lived at her grandparents whilst we took the driving course.
(I live in a small town, the closest place offering drivers ed. is nearly an hour away.)

In time, that successfully passed, though I still was not quite old enough to get my license without having to fulfill that crazy amount of hours.
blah blah blah

Long story short, I don't really like driving, and so I didn't wouldn't.
Not that I had the opportunity to drive all that often, mind you...but still.

So, fast forward to this past Fall of 2012, I turned 18! Yes, you were all around for that.

Now, at that point, I could get my license regardless of how many hours I'd driven, and whether or not I'd taken drivers ed.
I'm sure there are some of you wondering why on earth I bothered taking drivers ed and the simple fact is, I'm thankful I did, because I would be a horrible driver if I hadn't. I would not be nearly as far along as I am. Trust me on this.

Of course, I still didn't get it. My license, that is. I still didn't feel ready. Didn't think I could possibly pass the test.
Really I over-stressed about the whole thing.

Then comes along 2013. A new year. I'm 18. A senior.
At this point, when you want a job, people expect that you can drive...erm, legally. Not to mention decently.

And so it was that I found myself in a rather horrible rush to get my license in case I was hired at a job I applied for.
I ended up not getting the job, (which was actually a relief...another long story, for perhaps another time) and set out to practice driving - more - so I could pass the test.

Here I'll take the liberty of once again fast-forwarding, this time to Wednesday the 24th of April.
My mum and I drove the miles to the closest Department Of Licensing - in the same town I took drivers ed - to get the ball officially rolling for my license.

Lots of confusion, but basically the DOL doesn't do the drive testing any more and, wonder of wonders, my old driving school does!
Thus, off my shoulders went a whole load of stress about the entire thing.
No more having to worry about dealing with a complete stranger whilst driving.

We went to my driving school, talked to my former teacher, and set up a test date for the following Wednesday. May 1st.

So now, dear readers, I am actually rather happy to announce that I passed my driving test!

While I do not yet have my license, it is only because I want to get my Enhanced License so I'll be able to travel to Canada and the like, which the DOL closest to us only does twice a month. So, we're traveling a tad further, to the closest actual city - hopefully within the week - so I can get that out of the way.

*phew*

pieces of 2012

I am procrastinating

I am procrastinating.

I should be doing a rhetorical analysis of someone else's argument. I should be reading and researching and working very hard on it.

I should be.
But I'm not.

Why is it that that is how things work? When there is something horribly stressful, something that really needs a lot of work and care put into it, something that you should be developing and making into something great; you freeze.
Everything around you stops moving, but continues to move on, without you, all too fast.

And even the things you procrastinate about every single day, dusting, chores, cooking, room cleaning, even those things become a boon, something that absolutely has to be done in that moment. Done then and there, absolutely, as a way of procrastinating against this big, huge, seemingly insurmountable thing, that if only you would just buckle down and do it it's not nearly as hard as you're thinking it will be.

Why is it that my mind seems so broken, to think this way?

It's even worse, when nothing else rises up to meet the need for procrastination. Not even the other things, the seemingly smaller things that actually need done.

So here I am, sitting, mindlessly using time, typing words that mean something, and everything, and altogether nothing.

Because I, am procrastinating.

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

in which pictures take the place of words

I will be honest, for the past year I haven't been posting much of any content on Concrete & Grace.

And while I'm still feeling rather wordless as far as blogging goes, I've decided I shouldn't let that stop me from posting.

So, I'm starting a new series here on C&G called pieces of 2012.
A fully-photographical look back at the previous year. I hope you'll come along and see some of my favorite captured moments, the first post launches tomorrow!

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated at how hard everything has to be.
Frustrated that everything seems to require money.
Frustrated at myself.
Frustrated...but still strangely hopeful.
Frustrated, but believing everything will work out.

the in-betweens in writing and walking

I'm currently doing the dance of in-between notebooks.

Where one journal is nearly full, and the next is ready and waiting.

Thus I find myself simultaneously rushing to fill up the current notebook, but hesitant to close another chapter.

While I was on spring break a couple weeks ago, I went for a walk around our lake, in its state of not quite frozen, not quite thawed. It too was in between.











here's to your in betweens, may they be filled with music and light

of weddings, and family, and travels

This past week, after putting in work and night-before-packing, we left our little corner of the world and set out for my Aunt and Uncle's house.

While I don't like riding in the car, it wasn't terribly far (anything 8- hours isn't terribly far for me) and of course the entire journey was worth it!

My oldest cousin was wed last Saturday to his beautiful bride. And the five days we spent visiting and helping and spending time with family, were great.

As I'm but a poor, broke, in debt, student, my gift is pictures.

While I hadn't planned on going through any of them yesterday (school work and other pictures to finish up were rattling around my mind), I just couldn't resist.

So, here is the little teaser I cooked up.

Congratulations to the bride and groom, lots of love to you all!

the crime of the ages

by Augusta Cooper Bristol

                 Poet, write!
Not of a purpose dark and dire,
That souls of evil fashion,
Nor the power that nerves the assassin's hand,
In the white heat of his passion:
                 But let they rhyme,
                 Through every clime,
A burthen bear of this one crime:
Let the world draw in a shuddering breath,
O'er the crime that aims at a nation's death!

                 Minstrel, sing!
Not in affection's dulcet tone,
Or with sounds of a soft recorder:
Strike not they harp to a strain arranged
In measured, harmonic order:
                 But loud and strong
                 The tones prolong,
That thunder of a Nation's wrong;
Let a sound of war in thy notes appear,
Til the world opes wide a startled ear!

                 Soldier, fight!
Thou has a patriot's throbbing pulse,
And future history's pages,
Shall tell of the blood so freely shed
To redeem "the crime of the ages."
                 Well may'st thou fight
                 For Truth and Right,
And teach a rebel foe thy might!
Leta a loyal heart, and undaunted will,
Show the world we are a Nation still!

                 Prophet, speak!
Speak for the children of martyred sires,
An offspring the most ungrateful!
Warn them of Justice hurrying on,
To punish a deed so hateful!
                 O read with thy
                 Prophetic eye,
The omens of our troubled sky!
What is the picture beyond the gloom?
New life, new birth, or a Nation's tomb?

of drafts and decisions

In my Draft box for Concrete & Grace, I have exactly 40 posts.
40, unfinished, not entirely written, mostly forgotten, drafts.

It's been nearly a month, since my last post. Half hearted and rambling as it was.
Since then I have started a handful of updates, just more writings left behind in the draft box.

Because I haven't been feeling that inspired about it. Because I suppose I've lost the point of why it is I'm doing Concrete & Grace.
I've never really had a specific reason, a purpose, just that I wanted to. I want to. That's enough.
And it still is, I find. It just complicates things when I am feeling so entirely uninspired. And without inspiration, typing up a post that doesn't sound completely insane, a post that maybe someone will actually read and maybe even, in some small way, care about, or like; has turned into a chore.

And here's the thing I've been trying and starting but not finishing to post about: Fine Arts.
I keep going back and forth on how to let anyone know. I mean, does anyone I need to tell actually read this? Who do I really need to tell? Does anyone even care to know? How much of the story of the decision making process, how it is that everything came about, do I tell?
The fact of the matter is,  I don't know. I don't know how to tell everyone this, I don't know how to make everyone understand. So I will but I won't.
I will tell the outcome, flat, straight and true.
How the realizations and decisions came to be as you see before you, I will not explain. Because I will just ramble on, hoping to make everyone happy, make everyone understand.
And that, is most definitely, never going to happen. You can never make everyone understand, and you can most surely never make everyone happy.
So here it is, the final, straight up, no strings attached, news.

I am not doing Fine Arts this year.

when no words come

I keep sitting down at my computer, fingers resting lightly on the keys, with the desire to write something coursing through my being. Something meaningful, that I'll look back and say "Yeah, I wrote that. You should read this." Something I'll refer back to. Something that will provoke thought and action in the persons who read or hear the words.

But every time I try, every time I want to, it seems like there just aren't the right words.
Even though my mind is brimming with words most of the time. Even though I have notebooks filled with words no one ever reads, and probably even never will.

It never seems like there are the right words.

So what am I to do? When I wish that there were pictures and words for me to share, but there isn't?

I suppose most of the time I just give up. Don't press it, don't make an effort to try.

But what could I accomplish, what could I create, if I did? If I made an effort and took the time?

there is no frigate like a book...

There is no Frigate like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry —
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll —
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human soul.

— Emily Dickinson

re-reading: beautiful creatures by kami garcia & margaret stohl --- watching: castle

it's not easy being green

Being sick isn't fun.

Sometimes, the relaxing, couch potato-ing is nice.

But when you're sick, sick. Down to your toes, headache in your brow, nausea in stomach. When it's don't move, don't think, try to breathe normally: sick.
That's never, ever enjoyable. On any level at all.

So I sit, trying to sleep, trying not to lose the contents of my stomach. Trying not to let my favorite things, my comforting memories, be tainted by the fog in my ill mind.

I think of things that haven't happened yet. Things, imaginings, I wish to come true. Things of a youthful dream. To travel. To traipse about the globe, collecting words and capturing moments.

So here's to that dream, that sweet imaging. That blip of impossibility on my bucket list.

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- watching: bones

the universe is still

He fumbles at your Soul
As Players at the Keys
Before they drop full Music on --
He stuns you by degrees --
Prepares your brittle Nature
For the Ethereal Blow
By fainter Hammers -- further heard --
Then nearer -- Then so slow
Your Breath has time to straighten --
Your Brain -- to bubble Cool --
Deals -- One -- imperial -- Thunderbolt --
That scalps your naked Soul --

When Winds take Forests in their Paws --
The Universe -- is still --

--Emily Dickinson

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore

Let's go to Orlando!

Dear friends, family, and fellow wanderers of the internet,

As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the respect of earning my own money and working for the things I want and need. I’ve come to understand and commit to the importance of investing in things that will be tools not only to my education, but also to my work.

Every year I participate in a gathering of other kids, grades 6-12, who come together to be encouraged in various art forms that can be used in ministry.

Fine Arts Festival.

It’s something I enjoy immensely, and not only is it a fantastic event but it’s something that at a national level could open doors for colleges, scholarships and job opportunities.

In the two years I’ve attended District Fine Arts Festival, each year I have received ‘Superior With Invitation to Nationals’ in a few categories; the main being T-Shirt Design.

However, due to limited funds and the distance a trip to Nationals would require I’ve never been able to attend.

This year is my last year to participate in Fine Arts Festival as a high school student.

I’m writing this letter of sorts, to announce something many of you have expressed interest in: my t-shirt designs.

I’ve miraculously found a talented screen printer who can produce my unique designs.
And I’m very excited about it.

Thus I am starting to sell t-shirts sporting my out of the ordinary designs.

The idea is for this to be a way for me to raise the money money to make it to National Fine Arts.

This not only means the cost of registration itself, but gas, food, plane tickets, car rentals and all the materials I need.

And Orlando, Florida is a long ways away.

Now I want to present all of you with the opportunity to not only support me, but find yourself with an amazing one-of-a-kind shirt designed by yours truly. So buy one for yourself, your friends, your kids and every single extended member of your family!

My goal is to sell 888 shirts.

Shirts are $22 each and available through Etsy.

Those of you who live in my area are welcome to forgo Etsy and the shipping cost by getting in touch with me through my phone number and picking up the shirts when they become available.

I look forward to this adventure and thank all of you for your support!
Both prayerful and monetary.

The idea behind this shirt design comes from Hebrews 10:24,

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works."

The word "provoke" isn't often used in relation to encouragement and love.
Think of the angriest you've ever been, of what provoked you to that anger.

Now imagine someone being provoked like that, but to make a difference; to love.

Like encouragement on steroids.

Grey V-neck with blue, half-tone dot splatter, wrapping around from front to back.

Shirts are available on Pre-Shrunk, Combed, 100% Cotton, Adult Unisex V-Neck.
Sizes Small through 2X.

Printed in batches of 24 shirts, pre-order now!!

new life rises

from the darkest of depths
new life springs
in the darkest of times
come birthed new dreams
through the despair
hope is found
new life rises

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore --- watching: the hobbit

a new year

{all images are mine}

messages in bottles
what does the new year hold
can it be found
in pieces of glass
almost a century old
as sunlight catches
as the day falls
as seasons change
comes new years
new hopes
new pains

still light shines through

I'm going to be honest with all of you.

The very idea of 2013 was scary to me.

But it wasn't so much a new year, but the fact that I viewed 2012 as wasted. That my laziness and fear got in the way of everything I could have done, everything I could have accomplished.

Because it's still so easy, so easy to believe in the warped perspective fed by the fear of failure. The warped perspective that by not trying, there is no risk, thus there is no chance of failing.
But by not taking risk, by not stepping out, by not doing anything, by not even trying...therein is failure.

I could have done so much more in 2012. I could have accomplished so much more.

I am blinded to that which I did, but it seems to pale in comparison to what I didn't. To what I could have.

It's the fact that 2012 would, at that strike of midnight, be gone forever. That there would be no more attempts, no more chances, to redeem that year.

And it's that fear that I can already feel dragging me down. The fear that 2013 will be full of failure, that it will, at its end, be viewed as a waste.

I don't want it to be.

So here's what I want to accomplish this year. In 2013.

I want to sell t-shirts and raise the money to attend National Fine Arts Festival in August. It's my last year for Fine Arts Festival, and I want to go all the way. The only thing to ever stand in my way is money. My God is bigger than money.

I want to work hard, to truly believe in my Fine Arts entries. I don't want them to just be something I threw together, knowing it would be "good enough". I want to return to that inspiration, that feeling of joy in what I've created.

I want to finish high school math. It's the only thing standing in my way of fully graduating, I'm the only thing in the way of completing it. My own laziness, and yes, fear, of failing at math kept me from even trying. I want to finish.

I want to pay off my computer.

I want to learn how to use all the programs I have on my computer.

I want to figure out a way to go to college. A way to pay for it. I want to figure out what is worth the cost of going to college.

I want to believe in the possibility of a future beyond what I have always known.

I want to do something, go somewhere, make a difference.

I don't want to rationalize my way out of opportunities to do things because it sounds too risky or too hard.

I want to grow closer with the people I love.

I want to see my best friend's book published.

There's more. Things that don't come directly to mind...but basically, most purely, I want to try. Even if I fail. The attempt itself...for me, is a victory. I want to try, and do, and finish. So at least if I fail, it was an honest failure; because I tried.

here's to life, and hope, and a new year

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- listening: megalithic symphony (album) by awolnation --- watching: numb3rs

numbers and time

Where did 2012 go?

I look back on the last 12 months and honestly find it feels like it hasn't been that much.

2012 came. Relentless was my word for the year.

life.is.sweet. continued longer than I expected, but not as long as I would have liked.

I continued with college classes. I shared my paper on human trafficking, hoping to spark some fire of indignation in the hearts of others.

I shared music and the happenings of life.

I bought a tablet and grew in my love of drawing, but still don't draw as much as I'd like.

I worked a number of jobs that blur together.

I earned money for District Fine Arts Festival and attended for the second time.

I bought my first nice camera.

April was 13 years since Columbine.

I read books. Not as many as I would like.

Many friends graduated.

My wisdom teeth were ripped out of my head...though "removed" is a less dramatic way to put it.

I photographed a wedding...the first time even taking pictures of people. Stress.

I attended my last camp and wrote some stuff.

My best friend got to visit my neck of the woods for the first time.

My computer died.

I turned 18.

I worked more jobs.

I gratefully received the blessing of a new computer. Which I am going to be paying off for the next year.

I reminisced on Autumn as my favorite season. And watched as Fall fell to winter.

I ranted about reading.

I took pictures.

I geeked out over many things.

I survived yet another apocalypse. ha

My best friend finished her novel. I created something of a cover.

I made a Christmas card of sorts for all of my internet people.

There was more.
Little things. Crazy things. Things I didn't share or write about or post about. Day to day things. Surprising things. Things all in the middle and on the edges.

Time continues on whether or not we want it to, even if it's existence is only of our making.

So here's to 2013. That weird new number that will be forgotten as I continue writing "2012" on everything.

I don't have a word for this year. Nothing fits yet.
I wasn't so good at relentless in 2012.

But here's to 2012 and all it was. Here's to it's end, and the inevitable beginning of another.

2013.

endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages

Merry Christmas!

Just a little something I whipped up yesterday as a virtual Christmas card of sorts to all of you.
I'm not a terribly good artist but I think you'll get the gist of it

from me and my family, blessings this Christmas and in the New Year.

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 12

Christmas Song // Flyleaf

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 11

Santa Claus is Thumbing to Town // Relient K

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 10

Hallelujah (Light Has Come) // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 9

We Wish You a Merry Christmas // Relient K

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 8

Go, Tell It on the Mountain // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 7

Feliz Navidad // David Crowder Band

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 6

Panis Angelicus // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 5

Angels We Have Heard on High // Relient K

an update on me

While I have been scheduling songs to be posted every day, I thought that maybe it was time for an update on me.

I finished my college classes for this quarter. Yay for finals...though I will definitely admit to having it much easier to those actually away at college, who are most definitely taking more classes than I am. 

My current favorite album, i.e the one I've been listening to the most, is Megalithic Symphony by AWOLNATION. Which I've had blasting out of my newly acquired headphones since I purchased the album ($5 from Amazon!) about a week and a half ago. 

I've been biding my time with the ever so terrible, old stock iPod headphones. 
You know the ones, lousy, uncomfortable, poor sound quality oh and yeah, painful. 
I realized I had SkullCandy credit from returning a product forever ago. So I used it to get some new over-ear headphones. 
I think I've lost some hearing, I've been using them so much.

College classes start back up in early January. I'm excited for my photoshop class. Not so excited about English 102, but who is? 

I got new glasses at the beginning of the month. 
Sight is good. 
It took me a while to get used to my new prescription, but it's vastly better than the one from my previous doctor. 
I actually have gained depth perception. 
Anyone that has spent any amount of time around me probably knows that I'm a klutz. In part there's some depth perception issues that cause some of it....only some of it. I really am very klutzy...

I increasingly have an addiction to nail polish. 
I really rather enjoy painting my nails...and getting nail polish at fantastical prices helps.
Which leads to the fact that I bought some new nail polish just in the last 24 hours. So I'm really excited about that. I like getting things in the mail.

I'm either getting sick or my allergies are crazy terrible...or I'm just not getting enough sleep.
Though I'm going to say all three. 

My penchant for ellipses has not died...

One of my very, very, best friends has finished her novel. The first book in what is going to be an epic trilogy. Click here for the facebook fan page.
In celebration I whipped up a cover:

{credits}

It's only an early conceptual cover really. But it's a start. I enjoyed figuring out how to make it in Photoshop.

I've been reading it as of late. (SO GOOD)
Along with Anna Karenina, and Divergent which I just started last night.
I've become such a slow reader...

And that's just about it...that comes to mind, in this moment, in this post anyways.

don't miss today's Christmas music!

hope you're all well

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 4

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 3

Carol of the Bells // August Burns Red

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 2

Carol of the Bells - Sing We Now of Christmas // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 1

12 Days of Christmas // Relient K

Posting Everyday!

Going to be doing something special this year.

Every day, for 12 days leading up to Christmas I'm going to be posting a Christmas song from my personal 'Christmas' playlist!

Posts will publish every day, at midnight.

Don't miss the festivities!

12 Days of Christmas kicks off tomorrow!

have a laugh

It's Friday!!

Which for those of you who don't have a final anthropology paper due on Monday hopefully means a nice relaxing weekend.

Unless you're also in college classes and it's finals week.

I feel for you.

So, whatever this Friday means for you, take a minute and a half to have a laugh.

intense geekery // into darkness

Please allow for the following moments of intense geekery as the teaser trailer for Star Trek: Into Darkness has launched.

And since I'm so great I'm going to share it with all of you.

Including the Japanese version, which, for those of you who care, has approximately 5 more seconds of footage.

Here we go.

reading: anna karenina by leo tolstoy --- listening: home for Christmas by barlowgirl

have a listen // fire fire

almost thought we made it home
but we don't know this place at all
that's enough now dry your tears
it's been a long eleven years

FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars

you're ashamed of where you're from
crying 'cause your father's drunk
"we can't die because we're young"
at least that's what we heard in a song

FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars
FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars

you're ashamed of what you've done
crying 'cause your father's wrong
trying to be something new
you feel that you had something to prove

what you confuse for glory's fire
is fire from the tongues of liars
what you confuse for glory's fire
is fire from the tongues of liars
oh send your rain

FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars
(oh send your rain)
FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars
(oh send your rain)

FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars
(oh send your rain)
FIRE FIRE FIRE
fire from the tongues of liars

you're afraid of who you are
(you're ashamed of where you're from)
crying 'cause your father's gone
(fire from the tongues of liars)
dreaming 'til you hit the truth
(we can't die because we're young)
you'll find that you've nothing to lose
(fire from the tongues of liars)
you'll find that you've nothing to prove

music and lyrics copyright Flyleaf

all the new bits

NEW DESIGN!

Yes, again. But since the last big update was at the beginning of this year, with a slight header refresh for the summer I thought it was time.
I had really wanted to have a special one for fall, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

p.s. You may notice that I have links to both my Flickr and YouTube accounts above the header. My flickr currently only features a handful of instagram pictures and I don't have but one public video on my YouTube. However I'm hoping both will have more to offer in the coming months.

boots are fantastical

frye women's engineer 8r boots pictured with an assortment of random socks

I like boots. I'm a boots type of girl. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my TOMS, especially in the summer. And my Converse are all around great. However, I'm not one to pass up a good pair of boots.
But I am pretty crazy picky.
Some girls have a checklist for what they require in a guy. Me? I have a checklist for boots. It includes things like no zippers and real leather. That they need to actually be able to fit me i.e. wide enough for my feet, preferably with a large enough shaft circumference/short enough to allow for thick socks and/or leg warmers. Decent soles. Realistically and diversely wearable. Also good craftsmanship. That type of thing. Also, made in the USA is always a plus.
Honestly? I didn't think they existed. That is, until I discovered the oldest manufacturer of shoes in the United States. Frye has been around since 1863, family owned until the late 1940's and is still around and making quality footwear today. And they make a boot that I think is the closest thing to boot perfection. As in they boot pretty much fulfills all of my criteria. I mean look at them ------->

<-----THIS makes me happy in inexplicably geeky ways

I have something of an avid love for soundtracks and probably at the top of my favorite soundtracks is the Lord of the Rings.
For the longest time I was wondering why the version of the soundtrack for Fellowship (and Two Towers) that I had was rather (though in the case of Fellowship: completely) different from that which I knew in the films.
The other night I discovered that the reason is because in the extended editions (which is what we have on DVD) they completely re-recorded and expanded the score to completely polish the "deleted" scenes so it was like they were never deleted. (*squee of intense geekery*)
Which lead me to the discover that I have the complete score for Return of the King but I most definitely need the complete recordings for Two Towers and Fellowship of the Ring!

The Hobbit

WHO ELSE IS CRAZY EXCITED FOR THE HOBBIT?!!!!

Also, did you guys know that there's extra bits on YouTube via Peter Jacksons channel?
I found out the other day and ended up watching several of them.
Because I love extras.

new photography

Up on my deviantART is some new photography. So check out my profile and browse the gallery!
There's a picture I just took a couple days ago as well as some from August and September, with more to come!

new glasses

I finally got new glasses with my updated prescription.
As a by-product, I can actually see in the dark again and it doesn't look like the ground is on the same level as my chest. Lack of depth perception is not fun my friends. It's side effects include walking into all manner of objects and people as well as a heightening one's power of klutziness.

school

I'm rather happy that here in less than two weeks the current college quarter is going to be over, followed by a nice and long winter break.
And then, winter quarter classes start at the beginning of January.

{available for prints here}
For me this means that I'm getting to take a course I have much anticipated, on Photoshop usage in web design!

New Horizons

Flyleaf's final album, New Horizons is utterly fantastic.
From beginning to end it's packed with songs that I have already committed to my lyrical memory library. I am still saddened by the fact that it is going to be the last album featuring Lacey, but the album is nonetheless fantastic.
Long time fans of Flyleaf will love it, but I think as one of them I also see that it's very different from past albums. Maybe it's just because of the bittersweet knowledge that Flyleaf will never be the same, but after the harder more edgy rock of their debut album and Memento Mori, and the softer tones of Remember to Live, New Horizons seems to be an amalgamation of these two points in Flyleaf's growth as well as something completely different.

For me the album still holds as much meaning as any of the previous, but at the same time it seems like there isn't as much of the Flyleaf feeling that I know so well in the writings of the songs. I think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that Lacey wasn't as involved in the making of the album, only traveling to the studio to record vocals.

While the album for those of us who know this music so well is different and maybe even lacking it is nonetheless fantastic in the sound and meaning despite the bittersweet tinge. From the rocking opening and attention call of Fire Fire, to the heart wrenching way I desire to belt out the Saving Grace and the highly anticipated new rendition of Broken Wings this album is truly sending the Lacey era of Flyleaf out with a bang.

Pitch Perfect

My friend Amanda, my mom, and I went to the movies a couple weeks ago to see Pitch Perfect. We laughed a lot. Though Supernatural fans who kind of almost cry whenever they hear Carry On My Wayward Son, be warned, it comes up in the first few minutes of the movie. It caught me off guard...I was awkwardly laugh crying. hahaha (Sarah, I blame you.)

The Big Bang Theory

My grandma convinced us to watch Big Bang Theory, after years of various people telling me I should watch it...and lots of my confusion at being compared to Sheldon (it happens more than you would think...and I'm still not sure whether or not to be flattered or insulted haha).
OH MY GOSH THIS SHOW IS SO GREAT.

My whole entire family loves it and we eagerly await every time the next DVD in a season comes...and when it does we usually end up sitting and watching the whole thing so we can send it back the next day to get another faster!
All of us enjoying it though is quite a feat, there's very few shows we can all watch and laugh at together.

So, as the holidays are nearing and as this is one of my favorite scenes thus far in the series, here's a clip...it's not the best definition but it's pretty great.

and that is where I shall take my leave

I do believe I have thrown enough media, words and rambling at you all for now.
Until my next post, hope you're all doing well! blessings and prayers

reading: anna karenina by leo tolstoy --- watching: lord of the rings trilogy extended editions

photography print available

Hey everyone! Hope you're all doing well!

Just wanted to let everyone know that a photography print of mine is up for sale in my Etsy shoppe, with hopefully more to follow.
If you like it please make sure to purchase one (for every single member of your family!) as I would appreciate it greatly and it goes to support me in my education. Because that stuff is expensive.

the last bits of summer

I do believe autumn has fallen to winter.
At least, judging by the several inches of snow I woke to this morning.

So here's the last pictures I took of this summer's flowers.

reading: anna karenina by leo tolstoy --- listening: new horizons (album) by flyleaf --- watching: the big bang theory

have a laugh

In which I share some of my YouTube favorites.

**disclaimer: some videos may contain some cussing and/or content some may deem inappropriate. those wary of such have been hereby warned.**

First off, this is exactly how I pack a suitcase, as many, many, (many...) people can attest.

This pretty much sums up the election for me...

Welcome to an apt representation of my insomnia...

This is actually a video I took. It's from camp and it's hilarious.
Watch the whole thing, you'll thank me.

The accuracy of this is startling.
Especially considering I watched it just a few days after pretty much this exact thing happening.

This is just hilarious. If you're looking for some good content, follow BlimeyCow on YouTube.

And finally...a video which I have watched more times than I can count.

read a book you've read before

Just yesterday I found myself with the inclination to read a book that I've read twice before, a book that I own.
I didn't really know just how much I wanted to read, to become enveloped in a story, in a quest, in a journey, until I realized that it was almost 2am and I was practically halfway through the book.

It made me remember the time when I read the book, who I suggested the book to, and how much I truly enjoyed the book; because I had forgotten.

So, as the autumn days turn colder, the nights longer and everything begins to freeze; curl up with a book you've read before, a book you haven't considered reading, a book you've overlooked for a while. And pick it up, and read it again until you can remember why it was you decided to bring that book home with you and adopt it into your heart.

read a book you've read before
with pages old and overlooked
read a book you've read before
remember why you hold it close

Because maybe, just maybe, you need it more than you know.

why I'm frustrated with young adult literature

As someone who was once an avid reader, I no longer feel compelled to call myself thus.

And it really makes me sad.

You see, there was once a time when the best punishment my mother could, well, punish me with was to take away my reading books.

Nowadays it's rare that I'm actually reading a book.

No, I haven't given up reading all together. There will forever be books that I hold dear.

But with the state of "literature" in this day and age is kind of depressing.

A good example is a series that I just finished. The Tigers Curse series by Colleen Houck.
While I would have to say that the series is a favorite it still falls prey to being much like the majority of other young adult books.

Originally I started the series with the first book of the same title, Tigers Curse. It intrigued me for a few reasons. At the time, it was extremely hard to find a newer book that didn't involve vampires and werewolves. While such is still true the plot took a more original twist.

It's about two Indian princes who are cursed to live immortally as tigers.
And of course the seemingly normal girl who, while working her new summer job, finds herself caught up in the adventure of a lifetime to break the curse binding them in tiger-form.
I mean, she's from Oregon, I'm from Oregon.
I could connect right off with that.

Sounds kind of awesome, right?

Well the first book really was. I enjoyed it immensely.

Basically Kelsey (the main character) gets a summer job working for the circus that is in town for those few, warmer months. It's manual labor, cleaning things, selling tickets, helping feed animals; all that fun stuff.
But along the way she befriends the circus' white tiger. And during her breaks spends her time reading out loud in the solace of the tent that holds the cage of the white tiger.
This white tiger, of course, is one of the aforementioned Indian princes.

While I would warn of spoilers, trust me, all this becomes rather apparent a short ways into the book...most of it can be found in the description on the book anyway.

Kelsey of course is more special than she knows because there is something about her that sets in motion the breaking of the curse. And the tiger she knows as Ren is able - for the first time in hundreds of years - to change back into a man.

But only for an hour.

And so the story begins.
As you would imagine, he is incredibly handsome and thank goodness, Kelsey doesn't really trust that and there's a lot of pretty good arguments and banter along the way.
But we all know where it's headed. Destiny and them being meant to be together...all that jazz.

So it was pretty cool.

But then...along the way (at this point it may be book two, though I could very well be mistaken) they have to find Ren's brother; Kishan to help in the quest to break the curse.

Kishan of course is something of Ren's opposite, literally a black tiger to his elder brothers white, however also incredibly handsome.

Then it kind of get's cliche in this awkward, heart wrenching, love triangle kind of way.

Over the course of the next three books (there are four total in the series) there's all this "which brother do I choose" and "who am I meant to be with" and "there's these two gorgeous, perfect guys who both love me" stuff going on.

And it's kind of sickening.
And it kind of made me hate Kelsey a lot.
A lot.

I really liked her in the first book.
Then...it kind of went downhill.

The basis of the stories is really cool. The writing isn't half bad. Sure there's some false Hindi gods and legends stuff going on but it's a really interesting plot line in the light of current franchises *cough*Twilight*cough*.

But I just was having serious difficulty stomaching this girl who has two guys completely in love with her and all this "coincidence" and asdfghjkl.sdfghjkl;

Yes, I just died on my keyboard. Because it frustrates me. Love triangles, while a common occurrence and a valid part of writing, are so used and abused that I just want a good quest story that maybe doesn't involve so much romantical blah.

I know I sound like some spinster or something, and I know that it's just fiction, I just hate when characters (especially main-girl-potentially-awesome-powerful-heroine characters) are just crazy stupid.
I know the insecurities and guy issues are a real thing, but the portrayal of how all this stuff works in next to every book I lay my hands is starting to frustrate me to the point of...well, to the point of writing this post.

I feel like I should have a disclaimer at this point. I did finish the series. I cried several times during the course of all the books. Especially at the ending of the final one. I'll probably end up reading them again at some point. In fact there's a good chance that I'd recommend it as a whole.

It's just that this series frustrated me and it's on the better end of the spectrum of young adult literature.

Why aren't there any awesome books (that I haven't already read) that...well...don't involve a girl who has completely invested her life into the lives (if they can be called lives) of guys that may-or-may-not be hundreds of years old and/or even worth it.

It seems to be a theme these days.

Guys get movies and stories about epic adventures where it's just a buddy thang.
Why don't girls get those?

While this post probably doesn't make much sense, hopefully to someone, it will.
Anybody?

goodbye October

oh October, where have you gone?

My favorite month is almost gone in a flash of brilliant orange and the freeze of the mountains above.

Fall is my favorite season you see.

And October is the epitome of autumn.

Seated between the end-of-summer September and the holiday-beginnings of November, October is the very-fall-fall-ness of autumn.

Like I said more eloquently, it's the epitome of fall.

It's writing and magic and changing.

The 2013 Fine Art's theme is "Finished".

Fall is a time of finishing. It's an ending.
But endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fall is like a phoenix, going out in a blaze of brilliant orange and leaves the shades of fire. And from this "death" comes the rebirth of spring after the time of freeze.

Autumn is the time of birth, for me, beyond my philosophical ramblings.
October first marks my birth.

I love temperate, chilly weather.
I'm not a tropical, hot weather type of person.
Sure, I like summer, but it's far from my favorite.

I'm sad to see the passing of October. It's ending coming on Wednesday.
But such ending breaks way for the beginning of winter.
Snow boots and frozen earth. Snow and frosty trees.

So here's to October, raise a glass of tea with me.
I'm going to drink it, wearing my Avengers t-shirt and my Elmo pajama pants; in celebration and toast to the wonderfulness of this ever passing October.

fall is my favorite

Fall is my favorite season.
There's so many different reasons why I enjoy autumn so very much.
But since I recently wrote a little poem-y bit on the matter, I'll let it do the explaining.

Fall is already here.
I've been trying to ignore its familiar scent carried on a cool breeze for weeks.
The warm cool scent of autumn is one I relish.
Bearing promises of beauty and temperate weather. Of the last green grass outlined with bright leaves, contrasted by the grey blue sky.
It's like a good cup of tea and a sweater that could tell tales all it's own.
It's like apple cider, fresh and invigorating.
Fall is the seasonal equivalent of night.
When inspiration comes and pours out words.
When everything is possible, adventure is imaginable, when dreams become real.
When magic floats on the wind a new music pushes through my veins.
It's when the creative, the old-souls, come alive.
When myth and legend rise from the ground.
When death and life collide.
When words spring from pens and leap off pages.
When sleeping is waking and the night starts early and the days are breaking.
Autumn is the white mountains and orange leaf strewn streets.
It's a between worlds.
Not sleeping, nor waking.
Not summer nor winter, nor the same rebirth as spring.
Fall is a phoenix. Going out with a blaze of orange and from itself comes new life.
Fall is the epitome of endings: just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.
Fall is a perfect, crisp, amalgamation of life.

    all images are mine courtesy of my instagram @thesiriana

all things must come to an end...

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may know that my favorite band is Flyleaf.

It's music that has carried me through the years since I discovered the band for myself  in 2008-2009.

In fact, a prominent part of my bucket list (yep, I have a bucket list) is to not only see my favorite band in concert, but to do so with my best friend and fellow Flyleaf fan, Lauren.

Sadly,  it shall never come to pass as Flyleaf will never be the same.

While I understand Lacey's reasoning, and send best wishes to her as well as the continuation of the band, it won't be the same Flyleaf. My Flyleaf.

And that poor girl who's taking over as lead singer...I'm afraid there's many a fan who've already decided not to like her.
As much as I know all things come to an end, and that endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages, I know I am terribly and unfairly bias against Kristen May.

I cried when I read it.
And decided I'd blog about it, because of reasons.

 :'(

Lacey's final album with Flyleaf releases October 30th...if you want you can join me in pre-ordering it on iTunes.

in which I have a new computer // the post of ten days

Day Zero

As I'm typing this, it is actually Friday October 12th 2012 and while I'm not going to be posting this for a while, I wanted to start now.

Because keeping this under my hat (to coin the phrase) is rather part of the excitement.

And I know it's going to kill me, but just waiting is already killing me.

I guess I should probably explain, huh?

As many of you may know, I've been working hard, and saving for a new computer. Because it's been computer woes, and even more computer woes with my poor little laptop.

Which means its been hard to even get a minimum of school done, let alone have the computer power for work as well...making earning money for a new computer all the more difficult.

For my birthday, just a couple weeks ago, I asked that anyone interested in sending me a gift, instead contribute to my computer fund.

Okay, cutting to the chase now......
I was able to order my computer this morning!!!!!!!

It all happened in a crazy turn of events of which I'm not entirely sure how it came about.

Basically I was very generously offered the opportunity to buy my computer now, and pay it off as I have the money. (I will have it mostly paid off by the end of the year.)

And since I will have it, that means I'll be able to do more computer reliant work and make more money that way!

Now, I just want to end this little-beginning with an expression of deep gratitude, and thankfulness, as well as surprise, and excitement.

God works in mysterious ways my friends.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often, as with the arrival of a new computer (that I don't have to battle) is imminent.
Probably a new blog design in the future as well...going to have to get to know some special new programs! ;D

Day Four

So, it is now Tuesday, October 16th.

I think I've already drove my family crazy talking about my new computer.

Have I told you all that I've named it?

Yes...intensely weird and geeky of me...just wait.
Though, in my defense, I've had the name picked out for little more than a month.

On Sunday I asked someone if they'd like to see a picture of my youngest child...then showed them a picture of my computer.

Playing along good natured-ly, she asks "What's her name?"...I don't think she was actually expecting me to have an answer.

Any day now my extra RAM should arrive. My iMac is still due on Friday, and my Adobe Software should be in the mailbox on Saturday.

Day Six

Thursday October 18th.

I think I check the order status for my computer several BILLION times a day.
Okay...maybe not billion in all caps...but it's so much I can't actually be bothered with keeping count.

It's a lot.

Last night I checked the status of my order and became crazy excited because my computer's status had chanced to "shipping to store". (It was "processing order" for the first few days, followed by "preparing for shipment" late, late Tuesday.)

In the moment it was really exciting.

And I was thinking "YESSSS I'M GOING TO HAVE MY COMPUTER ON FRIDAY". Because that's when the "available at store" date said I would be able to pick it up.

Well, *sad face* I looked down and realized that the available-for-pickup date had also changed...to the 22nd.
Meaning Monday.

At first that really bummed me out. A lot. Because I want it now.
However, the patient, logical side of me was rather pleased.

Because on the scale of torture, it's better to wait two extra days to have it, than to get it and have to work for two days while it sits at home. That's way worse.

Now, at least this way it's a slightly nicer agony...and I'll have a few days to play with it *cough* I mean get it all set up and whatnot before I have to clean toilets (during the weekend) again.

And this way, I should have my extra RAM and my Adobe Software already at home, ready to go when I get my computer.

Is this what optimism feels like?

*squeals with excitement*

Day Waiting Over

Tuesday October 23rd, 2012

Yesterday was the super important day in which I picked up my iMac.

Everyone, I would like you to meet Excalibur!

Because, yes, I had to name my computer in an incredibly geeky manner.

I've been working on getting things installed and working; as well as just generally getting the hang of things as this is completely new to me!
You heard that right, this is my first Mac...in fact, I'd never even used a Mac before I got Excalibur up and running last night.

Which makes this quite a leap from PC to Mac.
But I do believe I rather like it.

Also, just a general impression, it's all screen and the screen is HUGE.
Not in a bad way, mind you. I just don't have a very good concept of 27" (or any other measurement...) so yeah, it's more than two feet of screen. Which is pretty massive in the way of screens.
And also amazing.

Which makes editing your first photo with Lightroom insanely gorgeous.

Makes me happy I invested in a camera this spring.

Good things to come my friends. Fantastic, creative things.

And with another mention of my intense gratefulness, I bid you all well, and a goodnight.

18 for 18

So, everyone, in case you didn't know...yesterday was my birthday!

Yeah, 18, wow, craziness.
Not as amazing as some people seem to think. Nothing in my opinion to particularly look forward to...
Anyways...for the last few years I've done a facts thing on my birthday, compiling as many facts as there are years for my life.

SO...here we go.

1.

tumblr

I am kind of completely obsessed with tumblr. this time last year, I was addicted to pinterest.

2.

I don't have a favorite tv show, movie, book, song, artist or album.

there's just too many I really like there's absolutely no way to pick

3.

I still really want to go to Scotland.

I don't feel that needs much explanation.

4.

I rather adore nail polish.

this time last year I was head over heels for blue nail polish...ironically, that hasn't gone away. while I wouldn't say "head over heels" for only blue nail polish, I do just love nail polish. though my current favorite color is blue...TARDIS blue to be exact (aka Mesmerize by ESSIE).

5.

I have a camera

this time last year I was longing for a Nikon camera...a good camera. this spring I finally had the funds to invest in one. and...I got even better than what I wished for in October of last year.

6.

TWLOHA is still the best organization ever

'nough said

7.

driving still freaks me out

in fact I still don't have my license...

8.

the last book I read the whole of was The House at Sea's End by Elly Griffiths

and that was a couple weeks ago. I have the next one...but because of my reading-heavy anthropology college class I haven't had time to crack the next one yet.

9.

I'm even geekier/nerdier/dorkier than I was last year.

it's grown so much I'm almost worried about frightening you lot away with all of it...that's why I love my tumblr.

10.

I long for a new computer.

I have the camera I've always dreamed of, and while short the lens I'm really needing for it, my little laptop of four years is dying. I need a new computer that isn't only going to fulfill my needs for processing photos and doing school but also be equal to the task of running intensive programs for web design as well.

11.

I would like to lose weight.

my brain and the rest of me disagree on when to exercise however...so that makes it difficult *cough*

12.

I need a new computer.

so badly that I had to post it twice...

13.

I bought my first lottery ticket yesterday.

I realized at about 5 in the evening that I was old enough to win the lottery...fingers crossed, eh?

14.

Doctor Who is fantastic!

um...no explanation needed

15.

I've considered sending my camera back.

yes. as slightly ashamed as I am to admit it, it's been considered. and seriously considered. and reconsidered. I need a new computer that bad people...

16.

I've had a fall blog design in the works since this spring.

my computer has been so crashy though I can barely run the program to finish some graphics for it which is why it has not come to be sooner...it was originally supposed to be the spring design.

17.

I don't do anything to celebrate my birthday.

...because...

18.

I don't want to grow up...

the birthday wishlist

Dear friends and family,

This coming Monday, October 1^st, marks the date as 18 years since my birth in the fall of 1994.

Many people find this to be an important birthday (turning 18) and I have been asked more often than not, what I’m doing to celebrate.

Not really anything has become my standing answer.

Just to get things straight, I’m not expecting gifts from anyone, nor am I asking for them.

But if any of you feel compelled to send a gift my way I would like you to know something.

As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the respect of earning my own money and working for things I want. I’ve come to understand and commit to the importance of investing in things that will be tools not only to my education, but also to my work.

A few years ago I took a course on the basics of web design; the end result was a not only a new outlet for design and creativity but also a newfound appreciation for the work that goes into building a website. I learned a lot and found myself surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

For years I’ve enjoyed photography and just this spring saved my money and invested in a good photography camera.

At this point in time I have had the same basic laptop for four years. It has served its purpose well and gotten me through many a college essay and project. But, my little laptop is reaching the end of its life. Sadly it’s becoming more of a problem than a help, and is barely up to the task of running one program at a time. This, in the realm of wanting to grow as a designer and photographer, makes doing so rather difficult.

It also makes all of my (online) college classes rather difficult when I don’t have a working computer.

Unfortunately, a computer that meets my needs for doing web and graphic design as well as photography professionally is rather pricey. Because of the few small job opportunities I have where I live, I’m working as much as I possibly can on top of school and family activities.

Therefore, if anyone is interested in knowing what I would like for a birthday gift, I would be ever so extremely thankful for contributions to the fund for my new computer.

Thanks so much for your time, support, and reading this little letter of mine.

Hope you’re all doing well, and thank you for the birthday wishes.

-Siri

life starts now

This summer is blending into a blur of something and nothing to do, punctuated by ideas and inaction. With music, tears, epic times and stories to be told at the seams.

I've changed this summer. For the better.
My last year at camp, many of my friends having graduated and there is a future growing more prevalent to worry about.
Things have changed.

I haven't been on blogger as much as usual, as much as I used to.
Ever since summer started I don't think I've checked my feed much. In fact, I'm irredeemably behind.

I'm excited and afraid of a new school year, of college classes.
Afraid of my own failure and math.
Excited to learn.
Afraid of how much everything costs.
Excited to almost be done.
Afraid of my computer's continued downward spiral.
Excited to grow.

So I leave you, not with apologies and excuses for not keeping up or writing - because I don't think anyone much of notices anyway - but with a song.

you say you feel so down
every time I turn around
you say you should've been gone by now
you think that everything's wrong
ask me how to carry on
we'll make it through
another day
just hold on

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

I hate to see you fall down
I'll pick you up off the ground
I've watched the weight of your world come down
and now it's your chance to move on
change the way you've lived for so long
find the strength you've had inside all along

'cause life starts now
you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you'r'e so far down
but you will survive it somehow
because life starts now

all this pain
take this life and make it yours
all this hate
take your heart and let it love again
you will survive this somehow

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

you've done all the things
that could kill you somehow
and you're so far down

life starts now

music and lyrics copyright Three Days Grace