this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

we're not just seniors, we're graduates

My Facebook is a-flood with prom and senior pictures.
Graduation announcements are being sent, and I am realizing.
I'm realizing that a chapter is closing. Maybe more, maybe an entire volume is closing.
Because we're graduating, all of us. My friends who already have, and those who are, even those who I've grown apart from, we're seniors now.
There's so much ending. And despite how close we have, or haven't been, we are nearing a parting of ways which is likely to take us all in so many different directions.
Many of us will never see each other again.

We're not just seniors, we're graduates.
We're adults.

There's this great big future ahead of us filled with decisions, and opportunities.

We've all gone through so much, and life is just beginning. Our stories don't end here.

And even though it's close to the bit I shared for last year's graduates, I don't think it's lost it's meaning.
I'm home schooled, I don't get a graduation ceremony. So sit back for the cliche but (hopefully) ultimately meaningful, because this is my podium.

---

to us, the graduates

We've done it. Somehow we've managed to successfully navigate the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of our lives.

While it's painful being on the receiving end of my pun-shenanigans, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I've managed picked up along the way; I have found that we, the human race, are a fickle and forgetful bunch. As such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life inevitably throws at us, and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone who will complain about, belittle, and mocks us. It's not just high school, it's life.
As someone who's actually been working and doing some college classes for a while now, I can say it's pretty messy and doesn't change much.
Because unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but always try to remember the good, the positive, and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened, and all that is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And, in one of my few and far between moments of what could be called a philosophical-wisdom, I have can be quoted as saying:
"endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
Strangely, that seems to have a deep, inherent meaning; and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy - especially when we're young - to let little things stand in our way, let little things feels like "the end of the world".
Well, here's the thing, endings aren't all bad, and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me, because as a person who - as I image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic - penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
(Please feel free to laugh here.)
So whether we decide to throw the lemons at people, or make lemonade; take a step back, keep perspective in mind, and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

Lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I want to share words I carry with me, and thus feel I should impart in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.
seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, listen to me or not.
Everything's a choice.
Let's just use the lemons, okay?

it's not easy being green

Being sick isn't fun.

Sometimes, the relaxing, couch potato-ing is nice.

But when you're sick, sick. Down to your toes, headache in your brow, nausea in stomach. When it's don't move, don't think, try to breathe normally: sick.
That's never, ever enjoyable. On any level at all.

So I sit, trying to sleep, trying not to lose the contents of my stomach. Trying not to let my favorite things, my comforting memories, be tainted by the fog in my ill mind.

I think of things that haven't happened yet. Things, imaginings, I wish to come true. Things of a youthful dream. To travel. To traipse about the globe, collecting words and capturing moments.

So here's to that dream, that sweet imaging. That blip of impossibility on my bucket list.

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- watching: bones

why I'm frustrated with young adult literature

As someone who was once an avid reader, I no longer feel compelled to call myself thus.

And it really makes me sad.

You see, there was once a time when the best punishment my mother could, well, punish me with was to take away my reading books.

Nowadays it's rare that I'm actually reading a book.

No, I haven't given up reading all together. There will forever be books that I hold dear.

But with the state of "literature" in this day and age is kind of depressing.

A good example is a series that I just finished. The Tigers Curse series by Colleen Houck.
While I would have to say that the series is a favorite it still falls prey to being much like the majority of other young adult books.

Originally I started the series with the first book of the same title, Tigers Curse. It intrigued me for a few reasons. At the time, it was extremely hard to find a newer book that didn't involve vampires and werewolves. While such is still true the plot took a more original twist.

It's about two Indian princes who are cursed to live immortally as tigers.
And of course the seemingly normal girl who, while working her new summer job, finds herself caught up in the adventure of a lifetime to break the curse binding them in tiger-form.
I mean, she's from Oregon, I'm from Oregon.
I could connect right off with that.

Sounds kind of awesome, right?

Well the first book really was. I enjoyed it immensely.

Basically Kelsey (the main character) gets a summer job working for the circus that is in town for those few, warmer months. It's manual labor, cleaning things, selling tickets, helping feed animals; all that fun stuff.
But along the way she befriends the circus' white tiger. And during her breaks spends her time reading out loud in the solace of the tent that holds the cage of the white tiger.
This white tiger, of course, is one of the aforementioned Indian princes.

While I would warn of spoilers, trust me, all this becomes rather apparent a short ways into the book...most of it can be found in the description on the book anyway.

Kelsey of course is more special than she knows because there is something about her that sets in motion the breaking of the curse. And the tiger she knows as Ren is able - for the first time in hundreds of years - to change back into a man.

But only for an hour.

And so the story begins.
As you would imagine, he is incredibly handsome and thank goodness, Kelsey doesn't really trust that and there's a lot of pretty good arguments and banter along the way.
But we all know where it's headed. Destiny and them being meant to be together...all that jazz.

So it was pretty cool.

But then...along the way (at this point it may be book two, though I could very well be mistaken) they have to find Ren's brother; Kishan to help in the quest to break the curse.

Kishan of course is something of Ren's opposite, literally a black tiger to his elder brothers white, however also incredibly handsome.

Then it kind of get's cliche in this awkward, heart wrenching, love triangle kind of way.

Over the course of the next three books (there are four total in the series) there's all this "which brother do I choose" and "who am I meant to be with" and "there's these two gorgeous, perfect guys who both love me" stuff going on.

And it's kind of sickening.
And it kind of made me hate Kelsey a lot.
A lot.

I really liked her in the first book.
Then...it kind of went downhill.

The basis of the stories is really cool. The writing isn't half bad. Sure there's some false Hindi gods and legends stuff going on but it's a really interesting plot line in the light of current franchises *cough*Twilight*cough*.

But I just was having serious difficulty stomaching this girl who has two guys completely in love with her and all this "coincidence" and asdfghjkl.sdfghjkl;

Yes, I just died on my keyboard. Because it frustrates me. Love triangles, while a common occurrence and a valid part of writing, are so used and abused that I just want a good quest story that maybe doesn't involve so much romantical blah.

I know I sound like some spinster or something, and I know that it's just fiction, I just hate when characters (especially main-girl-potentially-awesome-powerful-heroine characters) are just crazy stupid.
I know the insecurities and guy issues are a real thing, but the portrayal of how all this stuff works in next to every book I lay my hands is starting to frustrate me to the point of...well, to the point of writing this post.

I feel like I should have a disclaimer at this point. I did finish the series. I cried several times during the course of all the books. Especially at the ending of the final one. I'll probably end up reading them again at some point. In fact there's a good chance that I'd recommend it as a whole.

It's just that this series frustrated me and it's on the better end of the spectrum of young adult literature.

Why aren't there any awesome books (that I haven't already read) that...well...don't involve a girl who has completely invested her life into the lives (if they can be called lives) of guys that may-or-may-not be hundreds of years old and/or even worth it.

It seems to be a theme these days.

Guys get movies and stories about epic adventures where it's just a buddy thang.
Why don't girls get those?

While this post probably doesn't make much sense, hopefully to someone, it will.
Anybody?

in which I have a new computer // the post of ten days

Day Zero

As I'm typing this, it is actually Friday October 12th 2012 and while I'm not going to be posting this for a while, I wanted to start now.

Because keeping this under my hat (to coin the phrase) is rather part of the excitement.

And I know it's going to kill me, but just waiting is already killing me.

I guess I should probably explain, huh?

As many of you may know, I've been working hard, and saving for a new computer. Because it's been computer woes, and even more computer woes with my poor little laptop.

Which means its been hard to even get a minimum of school done, let alone have the computer power for work as well...making earning money for a new computer all the more difficult.

For my birthday, just a couple weeks ago, I asked that anyone interested in sending me a gift, instead contribute to my computer fund.

Okay, cutting to the chase now......
I was able to order my computer this morning!!!!!!!

It all happened in a crazy turn of events of which I'm not entirely sure how it came about.

Basically I was very generously offered the opportunity to buy my computer now, and pay it off as I have the money. (I will have it mostly paid off by the end of the year.)

And since I will have it, that means I'll be able to do more computer reliant work and make more money that way!

Now, I just want to end this little-beginning with an expression of deep gratitude, and thankfulness, as well as surprise, and excitement.

God works in mysterious ways my friends.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often, as with the arrival of a new computer (that I don't have to battle) is imminent.
Probably a new blog design in the future as well...going to have to get to know some special new programs! ;D

Day Four

So, it is now Tuesday, October 16th.

I think I've already drove my family crazy talking about my new computer.

Have I told you all that I've named it?

Yes...intensely weird and geeky of me...just wait.
Though, in my defense, I've had the name picked out for little more than a month.

On Sunday I asked someone if they'd like to see a picture of my youngest child...then showed them a picture of my computer.

Playing along good natured-ly, she asks "What's her name?"...I don't think she was actually expecting me to have an answer.

Any day now my extra RAM should arrive. My iMac is still due on Friday, and my Adobe Software should be in the mailbox on Saturday.

Day Six

Thursday October 18th.

I think I check the order status for my computer several BILLION times a day.
Okay...maybe not billion in all caps...but it's so much I can't actually be bothered with keeping count.

It's a lot.

Last night I checked the status of my order and became crazy excited because my computer's status had chanced to "shipping to store". (It was "processing order" for the first few days, followed by "preparing for shipment" late, late Tuesday.)

In the moment it was really exciting.

And I was thinking "YESSSS I'M GOING TO HAVE MY COMPUTER ON FRIDAY". Because that's when the "available at store" date said I would be able to pick it up.

Well, *sad face* I looked down and realized that the available-for-pickup date had also changed...to the 22nd.
Meaning Monday.

At first that really bummed me out. A lot. Because I want it now.
However, the patient, logical side of me was rather pleased.

Because on the scale of torture, it's better to wait two extra days to have it, than to get it and have to work for two days while it sits at home. That's way worse.

Now, at least this way it's a slightly nicer agony...and I'll have a few days to play with it *cough* I mean get it all set up and whatnot before I have to clean toilets (during the weekend) again.

And this way, I should have my extra RAM and my Adobe Software already at home, ready to go when I get my computer.

Is this what optimism feels like?

*squeals with excitement*

Day Waiting Over

Tuesday October 23rd, 2012

Yesterday was the super important day in which I picked up my iMac.

Everyone, I would like you to meet Excalibur!

Because, yes, I had to name my computer in an incredibly geeky manner.

I've been working on getting things installed and working; as well as just generally getting the hang of things as this is completely new to me!
You heard that right, this is my first Mac...in fact, I'd never even used a Mac before I got Excalibur up and running last night.

Which makes this quite a leap from PC to Mac.
But I do believe I rather like it.

Also, just a general impression, it's all screen and the screen is HUGE.
Not in a bad way, mind you. I just don't have a very good concept of 27" (or any other measurement...) so yeah, it's more than two feet of screen. Which is pretty massive in the way of screens.
And also amazing.

Which makes editing your first photo with Lightroom insanely gorgeous.

Makes me happy I invested in a camera this spring.

Good things to come my friends. Fantastic, creative things.

And with another mention of my intense gratefulness, I bid you all well, and a goodnight.

18 for 18

So, everyone, in case you didn't know...yesterday was my birthday!

Yeah, 18, wow, craziness.
Not as amazing as some people seem to think. Nothing in my opinion to particularly look forward to...
Anyways...for the last few years I've done a facts thing on my birthday, compiling as many facts as there are years for my life.

SO...here we go.

1.

tumblr

I am kind of completely obsessed with tumblr. this time last year, I was addicted to pinterest.

2.

I don't have a favorite tv show, movie, book, song, artist or album.

there's just too many I really like there's absolutely no way to pick

3.

I still really want to go to Scotland.

I don't feel that needs much explanation.

4.

I rather adore nail polish.

this time last year I was head over heels for blue nail polish...ironically, that hasn't gone away. while I wouldn't say "head over heels" for only blue nail polish, I do just love nail polish. though my current favorite color is blue...TARDIS blue to be exact (aka Mesmerize by ESSIE).

5.

I have a camera

this time last year I was longing for a Nikon camera...a good camera. this spring I finally had the funds to invest in one. and...I got even better than what I wished for in October of last year.

6.

TWLOHA is still the best organization ever

'nough said

7.

driving still freaks me out

in fact I still don't have my license...

8.

the last book I read the whole of was The House at Sea's End by Elly Griffiths

and that was a couple weeks ago. I have the next one...but because of my reading-heavy anthropology college class I haven't had time to crack the next one yet.

9.

I'm even geekier/nerdier/dorkier than I was last year.

it's grown so much I'm almost worried about frightening you lot away with all of it...that's why I love my tumblr.

10.

I long for a new computer.

I have the camera I've always dreamed of, and while short the lens I'm really needing for it, my little laptop of four years is dying. I need a new computer that isn't only going to fulfill my needs for processing photos and doing school but also be equal to the task of running intensive programs for web design as well.

11.

I would like to lose weight.

my brain and the rest of me disagree on when to exercise however...so that makes it difficult *cough*

12.

I need a new computer.

so badly that I had to post it twice...

13.

I bought my first lottery ticket yesterday.

I realized at about 5 in the evening that I was old enough to win the lottery...fingers crossed, eh?

14.

Doctor Who is fantastic!

um...no explanation needed

15.

I've considered sending my camera back.

yes. as slightly ashamed as I am to admit it, it's been considered. and seriously considered. and reconsidered. I need a new computer that bad people...

16.

I've had a fall blog design in the works since this spring.

my computer has been so crashy though I can barely run the program to finish some graphics for it which is why it has not come to be sooner...it was originally supposed to be the spring design.

17.

I don't do anything to celebrate my birthday.

...because...

18.

I don't want to grow up...

meh-dication and wisdom teeth

In the hopes of avoiding further pain and price later in my life, the morning of Wednesday June 27th I was placed under anesthesia and had my wisdom teeth extracted.

Apparently, the actual surgery only took about 15 minutes. Which is funny (in a not-so-funny-more-like-frustrating-to-me kind of way)because I was in the surgery room and had the IV in for almost an hour.

By the way, IV's hurt. Well, when your vein decides to spasm up and down all over the place, they hurt.

The point at which the doctor came into the room and administered anesthesia all the way up until I got home is something of a blur...I remember most of it but it's becoming increasingly hazy.

Now of course, it's been something a little over 48 hours.

The night before the extraction we spend the night with some friends (to avoid having to drive two hours, super early in the morning, to make it to surgery).

I bought a “large kid” pizza from Papa Murphy’s.
Meaning a large half cheese half pepperoni.

haha

Me, the large kid.

Then the next morning I show up like a 7 year old boy or something to surgery with my blanket, in my pajamas, complete with Captain America shirt.

I have no regrets.

Except the pain. But I can't really help that.

I seem to have a high tolerance when it comes to pain medication. Meaning it doesn't particularly work as well as it should for me.

Yeah, super fun.

On the brighter side of things though, I only had to have three removed...instead of like some of my cousins who had to deal with 7. Yeah, 7 wisdom teeth. Crazy genetics we've got.

Anyways, I think I'll stop there...before I write something crazy or stupid that will sound fine in my medicated head but surely later be found as idiocy.

reading: abraham lincoln vampire hunter by seth grahame-smith --- watching: doctor who // avatar: the last airbender

to the graduates

Wow. You've done it. Somehow you have successfully navigated the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of life.

Forgive my pun-ness, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I have picked up along the way; I have found that the human race is a fickle and forgetful people and as such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life throws at us and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone that complains about, belittles and mocks you. It's not just high school, it's life. Unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. And while it's one of the hardest things to do, remember the good, the positive and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened and is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And In one of my few and far between moments of philosophical wisdom I have can be quoted as saying: "endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
And strangely, that has some deep meaning and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy, especially when we're young, to let little things stand in our way, let little things be "the end of the world". Well, endings aren't all bad and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me because as a I person I would image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
So whether you decide to throw the lemons at people or make lemonade; take a step back, remember perspective and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

And lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I feel I should impart these words in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.

seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, choose to listen to me or not. 

Everything's a choice.

Just use the lemons, eh?

six word stories

The lovely Fernweh Magazine blog has posted a fantastic post of six word stories that I found both entertaining, ingenious and inspirational. (Now try saying that five times fast!)

The idea of a six word story has been introduced to me before but never has it had such an impact on my way of thinking. For they are simultaneously simple and deeply meaningful. Scant few words with underlying emotion.

So, upon review of my current notebook/journal I realized that I often write "six word stories". While not exactly six words in all cases since I started this notebook little over a month ago I have been using simple, rambling words, phrases, lyrics just rambling about. And I do in fact, have a few six word stories of my own...so here is my version of a six word story:

what's your six word story?

Don't mind me...

the completely absentee blogger.

I've blogged a whole whopping total of two times this month. Yes. Two.

Because I'm lazy and unmotivated. But, I already posted about that.

Yes, one of the two posts I posted this month were about my lack of posting. Pretty much like this one is, as I'm sure you've noticed.

Even now, I'm blogging to avoid doing my English assignment. Terrible, I know.

Anyways...to make up for it - and because I want to - I am going to start listening to my History lectures here in a moment and work on some new looks for the blog...sometimes a design freshening is just what I need to get back on track.

which reminds me...I should straighten up my room.

striving to live relentless...it's so very hard

-

undefinable...blah

I realize I haven't posted in almost a month.

There are many excuses I could make: I kept getting sick a lot, new semester and a class at the highschool.

But, there really is no excuse, because it was mostly laziness.

Okay, and general uninspired-ness. But mostly laziness.

And I'll admit it.

Sometimes, I just don't have words for everyone else.
Sometimes, I barely even write in my journal because there's no words for me either.
Sometimes, this writer is word-less.

Everything seems stale, slow...almost like molasses; when there's no words.

No words with meaning anyway.

There's all these things I've been meaning to do, want to do, should do...but it seems like I never...have the time?

Have the will?

I hate it when everything seems so...blah.

Of course, this will either make complete sense to you or you'll be reading this wondering whether or not I'm sane.

That's something I've been asking myself actually.

And the answer is, honestly...I don't know.

Who's to say anyone is sane or anyone is crazy? Normal, beautiful and sane are at least three things I personally feel are indefinable. Changed by the bias and experience of the person in question.

Besides, doesn't every "crazy" person say to themselves or others "I'm not crazy"?

Sorry for my rambling somewhat philosophical post...it's just all I have in me right now. 

I'm a terrible blogger.

Really, we all know it.

I never really post.

When I do post its short, not really interesting, and never what I said I'd write about.

Sure, I'm always taking pictures and writing down little things and having ideas for what I can post about.

Heck, I even start what looks to be great posts only to plummet into writers block and laziness.

Those posts sit aimlessly in my draft box.

Pining away for the day when they will be completed and have a chance at being seen.

But then I look at them as chores.

As something thats hard.

Therefore, something I don't really want to do.

That's what happens with me, you see.

I love blogging, I do, very much so indeed.

But when I say I will post about something, then I feel as if I absolutely have to and then I'm obligated and its not just something fun anymore.

Its a chore.

And I don't want it to be like that.

I don't want it to be that way.

So somethings got to give.

I know there's a few promised posts never published.

Like the review of Apples 4th Generation iPod Touch. RIOT screen protectors. My lovely wonderful TribalStyle earrings.

And then of course the conclusion of the posts about camp this year.

Maybe someday you'll get those.

Someday maybe they'll be written and I'll post them...if anyone cares to read them by then.

But I'm afraid I find myself to busy to write them.

At least thats what I tell myself.

You see, I need to return to the day when I don't look for something else, anything else to do other than writing the posts I've promised.

Sorry for the terribly uninteresting, boring blog post readers...sorry I can't seem to do this right...

So I'm kind of taking a hiatus I guess. I'll still be here to moderate comments and check the blogs I'm following. I may even post should something full blast inspirational come my way...but I'm not going to make promises.

Until then, I'm starting to get busy with school and oh yes *gasp* drivers ed.

If anyone wonders, I'm almost too old to take drivers ed now, but I didn't have the money to be able to take it until this summer (as I was working last summer to pay for it) but camp interfered with me taking the early summer class and so I'm taking early fall elsewhere.

'til then bloggie friends :)

{via weheartit.com}

Oh Browser!

Hey everyone! I'm sure there are quite a few of you who are wondering just where I've been! Not to mention the question "how did camp go?!".

Unfortunately, no, thats not actually what this post is about...camp I mean.

Those of you who follow me on twitter (@The_Siriana) will know that camp (aka the #JesusPartyOfAwesome) will know that camp was EPICALLY AWESOME!!!

But that whole story is being saved for a later post.

Basically I've been back (home) since the 26th of July and yes, I know...haven't posted.
This is my apology post.
My not-the-recap-but-still-something post.

Yes...I'm realizing now how this is a strange work harder, but not smarter type of procrastinative laziness...

---

On a blogger-related note...I'm currently using Internet Explorer because I'm having browser issues.

You see, the browser that was usually my pal is Firefox.

But then, waaaay back earlier this school year Firefox failed me (*sob*) and I switched to Google Chrome.

You know how Google Chrome is "SO FAST". Well, as it turns out, its SO FAST because it basically HOGS the bandwith and sucks it away from everyone else. So really it was making it near impossible for anyone else in my family to actually be able to use the wifi.

So, Firefox and Google Chrome was out AND I didn't like Internet Explorer.

I turned to the only other one I knew.

Safari.

Which, I fell in love with!

Until I got back from my camp and escapade and it as well as iTunes evidently didn't update right (ugh) and so I was back in the "what do I use now" phase.

So here I am, using Internet Explorer because its been updated, I like the look a lot more now...and well...its the only thing thats working for me *facecomputer*.

And I'm noticing that the font for my post titles is really squished and weird looking!

UGH

I think its kind of interesting how this has turned into a tech rant!

What browser do you guys use, and why? I'm interested to see what you guys think the pros and cons of certain browsers are...its the number one thing I have an issue with on my computer.

And I think that is where I'll leave you all this evening...with you all wondering about my sanity, how much of a tech geek I really am, and just when I plan on actually posting about camp.

toodles! :D

Eye Shadow, Primer & MakeUp Oh my

I've been getting into makeup and hair like never before.

I've always really paid attention to clothes and stuff but makeup has never been my thing...but I've been getting into it lately.

I don't really have much make up...which means I've assembled a wishlist of sorts...things I can afford and will get eventually, and things that are...umm...lets just say way out of my price range...like...ever. (Unless of course I really, really want to splurge.

So I'll start off with the shorter list...the list of things that I highly doubt I will ever buy unless I find some really epic sale (online considering I haven't physically been shopping in over a year...).

The first is a primer from Fresh.

Now, I've never used a primer, but I really want to try one because they're supposed to really help your makeup stay on. Which is something I have a hard time with because my skin is combination (leaning more towards oily) and makeup doesn't stay on so well.

I've been hearing lots of rave reviews for their Rose Freshface Primer.

Second in the out-of-my-price-range category is a liquid eyeshadow from Bare Escentuals that comes in this interesting little bottle/applicator...yes its the High Shine Eye Color.

I've learned that my eyes pretty much always look just brown, but when you look really close there's some really cool green and flecks of gold and bronzy-gold colors really bring the other colors in my eyes out.
Which makes this color awesome...and I think the applicator is cool too...half of what caught my eye.

Third in the category is an eyeshadow from Urban Decay that I think just looks ah-mazing.
The Urban Decay Stardust eyeshadow.

The final item in the out-of-my-price-range-category would have to be something I have heard rave reviews about as well...the Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Liner.

Now, a couple of products that I've heard rave reviews about (as well as them being much more within my price range) are two mascaras...

The Lo'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes**...

And...Maybelline New York Volum' Express Waterproof Mascara**

I think this is the one I might just choose out of the two because it being waterproof = good for summer oh yah.

**note** the link goes to WalMart...which I happen to not shop from for various reasons...unless absolutely unavoidable...

Now, keeping that in mind...the coming summer I mean, I've had my eye on Physicians Formula Healthy Wear SPF 50 Powder Foundation.

I've heard great things about this. Because its simple and easy to apply as well as SPF 50 great for summer!

Keeping with the foundation aspect of makeup I've also been hearing that this lovely new foundation from L'Oreal is ah-mazing.
L'Oreal Magic Smooth Souffle

And finally to end out my wishlist is something that I rather need seeing as I only have a couple brushes...well, it's just about every brush from EcoTools. haha

Bamboo 6 Piece Eye Brush Set

features these lovely brushes...
• Large Eye brush
• Angled Crease Brush
• Petite Eye Shading Brush
• Highlighting Brush
• Smudge Brush

and a nice hemp & cotton case to carry them!

The 6 Piece Brush Set

• Blush Brush
• Eye Shading Brush
• Angled Eyeliner Brush
• Concealer Brush
• Lash & Brow Brush

and of course the lovely hemp & cotton case!

Then of course there's the assortment of other brushes...

Bamboo Powder Brush	Bamboo Bronzer Brush	Bamboo Foundation Brush
Bamboo Kabuki Brush	Bamboo Smudge Eyeliner Brush

Now to wind things out...just had to share some of the cute stuff in EcoTools new collection!

Pencil Case

Cosmetic Bag

Train Case

Hanging Valet

And so that is my probably not much ever going to happen but maybe some of it is possible wishlist ;-) that I seem unable to have decided on a title for...sorry boys ;-) but there wasn't anyway this post could avoid being girly! haha

Hope you're all having a good week, I'm busy working!

Randomness of Late (YouTube)

Okay, so lots of random things to share this morning...some of them a few of you might have seen elsewhere...but here's some of my recent YouTube finds...

---

Firstly, trending on Twitter for the last for-ev-er has been Rebecca Black and her song Friday:



Now, here's the things about that "song".
Firstly, its not a song. Its a girl with not-a-particularly good voice, auto-tuned, talking moderately fast to pop music...and I won't even get started on the lyrics.

Why do people like this stuff?! I mean, its not even really music!

Okay, I'll give it that fact that it is art because its a form of expression, but sorry peeps, that only expresses stupidity right there and the fact that that is what's popular seriously makes me worry about human kind...

---

Then there's this little...thing...I found today...



While they definitely get kudos from me for trying (great effort) it just...well, it hurt my ears in more ways than one...and the dancing...ummm...yeah, it just seems a bit over-choreographed...like, if I had choreographed it, thats what it would have looked like (and I have no experience in dance)...

Hmnnn...re-reading that it does sound rather rude and harsh...they tried! They really did! And good job for that but...ick...

Then again, even if Glee (I have to confess I'm something of a closet gleek) did it I don't think I'd even like Awake and Alive show-choir then...so it really wasn't just that group.

Methinks I'll be sticking with the original...

---

Now, the following video is one of my recent favorites on YouTube and I have to say I laugh every time I watch it.



My favorite part: "I didn't know we had a piano..." *proceeds to play awesomely*

---

Another one of my recent favorites is this short little video...



I love it...not only is is hilarious, but that guy tied up...yeah, thats my cousin ;-) so it makes the video all that much more enjoyable hahaha

---

I'm a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to music outside the realm of the mostly-Christian artists I listen to, so its only in the last few weeks that I've checked out Adele.

.

What a voice!

---

And finally, while its not really the music that I usually listen to (pop's not usually my choice listening) but I happen to love this song by Selena Gomez & The Scene, if even for merely the great message!

Hair Woes

I have realized I do not post much...which is kind of the point of having a blog, no?

Though in some ways I really should tell you people, you're rather lucky, when I had my private blog (only peeps I invited could view it) I blogged up a storm...and really, I do mean that...randomly posting things once if not twice a day a lot of the time. All of it written from my wacky and cynical perspective...it was rather nice...I may be doing a bit more posting if I can find the time...

So, last week, aside from being abed with the flu *bleck* I was been doing some serious hair coveting!

My hair has always been my one feature that I really wish was different.
Of course, just what kind of different I want it to be, tends to change a lot.
Fickle? I think yes.

My hair is my constant struggle, its not straight enough to be straight, not wavy enough to be wavy, and not curly enough to be curly. Its really kind of a little bit of everything.
My mom's hair is really curly, my dad (well...when he had hair...) was really straight and my brothers is...well, a mix similar to mine if he lets it get too long.

I guess, to summarize, my hair is everything and nothing...which makes it really hard to get it to do anything!

Some hair accessories won't stay in because I have too much hair, but my hair is also really fine and so that is another obstacle.

But enough of my poor hair pity party...I'm beginning to get on my own nerves, so I can only imagine how you all feel about it!

Because of all my hair woes, I've lately found myself loving the hair of others...lately someone who's hair I am totally coveting is the lovely miss Taylor Swift.

Now, I don't particularly care for her music (not exactly a fan of country...or..er...her style I guess really) but not only is she gorgeous herself, her hair is just fabulous!

I remember reading somewhere that she's always struggled with her hair being curly but has learned to live with it...and I know every hair type has its own little problems, but so often I just with that mine would just do something for once! Too often its just...nothing. Trying to do too many different things at once that its just a whole lot of nothin' goin' on.




Also among those-whose-hair-is-awesome would be...

Coppelia from Air1 Radio

Hayley Williams from Paramore

And this concludes my "oh the things I wish I could do with my hair" post. haha

Yay for the Weekend!

Well, I am SO glad its the weekend!!!

This past week of school has been stressful, stressful and stressful!!!

I seem to be using exclamation points rather a lot today...

I'm dropping my Spanish course at the semester.
Which in itself is a long story in itself...
I guess a good summary is that the course was written by morons.
And that, that is the truth...sadly...

I'm immensely enjoying my forensic science course.
In fact, its my favorite subject...as well as my best.

Web design is going well, though I think the hardest part is definitely having some inspiration to be able to make the page, compared to that all the HTML is a breeze!

But on to something a little less tiresome.

I've started reading some new books.

I began Misguided Angel the newest installment in the Blue Bloods series by Melissa De La Cruz the other night. I'm hoping that this book will live up to the caliber of the previous novels, but I am a bit of a skeptic as I have heard from quite a few different people that nothing happens. I guess I'll see. (I would like to point out, for the record, for those of you that care, that no this is not a Christian book. In fact it is a vampire series. You can read more on why I actually have enjoyed them and a bit about what they're about, here on C&G.)

Due to the popular demand and rave reviews for The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, as well as my love for the Gregor the Overlander series, I've gotten The Hunger Games on audio book from my library to put on my iPod (I've been listening to audiobooks more than reading lately due to school).

I finished reading Torment by Lauren Kate a week ago now, and while it wasn't quite as good as its predecessor Fallen (my review can be found on GoodReads just click the book cover above) it was still an awesome book and I'm definitely looking forward to the third installment, Passion to be released next summer!

I've heard that the movie adaptation of The City of Bones is in the works.

Now, I absolutely enjoyed reading The City of Bones...for the first three fourths of the book...and then came the little plot twist that really just messed up the whole thing...the author definitely could've left it out...so, while it was very well written and a mostly enjoyable read, I'm not going to suggest it for most, especially more conservative readers.

Now, I have a quick reading-related question for all of you readers of blogs and books alike out there.
Has anyone read Incerceron?

I'm welcome to book suggestions, comments and reviews alike!

P.S. I finished up the new blog design and figured it all out, and am wondering what all of you are thinking of the new format, so head on over to the top of the sidebar and vote on the poll (or you can comment ;).

Tag! You're It!

haha I guess its time for another post, eh?

Well then...I guess I'll do this epically long tag!

I got this tag from Kendra!

When was the last time you saw someone attractive?
ummmmm... o.O

Where's your phone right now?
I don't own a phone...haha

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Yes! :D Company! Yay!

Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it?
Uh...yeah...

Last movie/DVD watched?
Avatar actually...just watched it yesterday for the first time.

Does anything hurt on your body?
My head XP

How are you?
ummm...I have a headace...

Are you excited for next year?
*shrugs*

Is your room clean?
*rolls on floor laughing*

How many pillows do you sleep with?
I've actually lost count haha

What are you doing?
Greeting company lol

I bet you miss somebody right now?
*sighs* yep :/

What are you planning on doing after this?
Probably take the trash out *rolls eyes*...

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Frequently :D

Who did you push last?
haha...umm ...wow...that would probably have to be my little brother...yes...I'm kinda mean ;)

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Someone...who shall not be named...

Do you own any band t-shirts?
Yes, actually! I have a t-shirt from a Casting Crowns concert I went to, and I have an awesome one that one of my friends made me that has Flyleaf's logo on it.

What does your hair look like right now?
Really good surprisingly...we cut it on Tuesday so its shorter (which I love) and I kinda made it all wavy curly this morning by scrunching it when it was wet ^_^

Has anyone ever told you that you were their best friend?
Yes.

Did you get hurt today?
Considering I'm a klutz: miraculously no, and not yet lol

When was the last time you felt upset?
ummmm...a few minutes ago O.o

What are you looking forward to?
Getting a package in the mail :D

Do you currently want something?
hmmmnnn...yes...a pair of Converse X-High Tops.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
A&W Root Beer

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
My parents last night...

Where are you?
At my desk in my room...on my computer...obviously *rolls eyes*

Do you like to walk in the rain?
That would depend on what time of year it is and whether or not I don't want my hair messed up haha
But generally...yes

Do you like looking up at the stars?
I love it...

Do you think you are a nice person?
Yeah...I think so...haha

Do you like swimming?
Only in a natural source of water...like the river or the lake...not much one for swimming in a chlorinated pool anymore 'cause it tends to be too warm for my tastes and I'm kinda allergic to chlorine and it makes my skin dry out and turn red XP

Have you ever swam in the ocean?
Not that I know of actually...

Do you go to school?
According to the state I'm a public school student because I do three online classes through the school district where I live. However, I'm homeschooled.

Do you want to go to college?
Yeah, I think so...

What do you want to be?
Not really sure yet...but I know it'll involve youth ministry and writing.

Do you want kids?
No, and no.

Do you like going to the beach?
I'm landlocked...so I've never really been to a beach...except for the one time I went to the Oregon Coast when I was really little...and it was rainy, foggy, cold and WET.

Who is the last person you went to the mall with?
Ummm...my mom...over a year ago...I don't like the mall so much XP Too crowded and I sure as heck can't afford to shop there!

Have you ever had any x-rays?
Yes! At the dentist (I don't quite think that counts though). But I've also had my arms x-rayed at various times in my life 'cause I've almost broken both of them on more than one occasion (I mentioned I'm a klutz, right?)

Who do you hate right now?
I don't hate anyone...I don't even like so much as using the word "hate" because well...its just too strong a word and as a Christian I'm supposed to love people. Don't get me wrong though, there are people I seriously dislike and prefer not to be around, but just because you love people doesn't necessarily mean you have to like them.

Who is the last person you yelled at?
*cough* my little brother *facepalm*

Who was the last to cook you food?
My mom :)

Are you in a complicated relationship?
uhhhh...yes...and no...haha its complicated *rolls eyes* not really lol

What did you do 2 nights ago?
I watched TV and went to bed and played games on my iPod, listened to music and went to sleep lol

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
One of my bestest bestest friends, Lauren!

Does a hug make you feel better?
It depends on who its from...'cause normally I don't really like randomly getting hugs...it just depends on who its from...

How long ago did you hug someone?
Ummmm...I hugged my aunt goodbye just earlier this morning...

Anything good happening tomorrow?
Yes...maybe...probably...sure *rolls eyes*

Have you kissed more than ten people this year?
ummm...no o.O (really wondering about some of these questions haha)

Do you have unlimited texting?
I have no phone *rolls eyes*

Will you keep your last name when you get married?
o.O what kind of questions ARE these? hahahaha I have NO idea :P

You have to get a piercing, what do you get?
hmmmnnn...hard choice...in all likeliness I would  probably get my ears pierced again...but if it were to be something a little more interesting, my eyebrow or lip haha

Have you ever felt like someone of the opposite sex truly cared about you?
*cough* ummm...yes....

Who was the last friend you got into a big argument with?
hmmmnnn...its been so long I don't think I can remember...

Your phone is ringing. It's the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?
firstly I have no phone and secondly what kind of questions are these???

Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?
ummm...no o.O (is it just me or are these getting...weirder?)

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today?
*facepalm* 
I
have
no
phone

Do you want to see somebody right now?
As in "I wish _____ would come and see me"? then yes...

Do you think two people can last forever?
ummm...no...not in any sense...

When was the last time you had a late night phone call?
I don't think I've ever really had one...

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
at this point in my life...no not really...but it would depend on a lot of things *shrugs*

Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?
ummm...no? (these questions...*rolls eyes*)

Has anyone ever sang to you?
does "Happy Birthday" count?

When was the last time you bit someone?
ummm...months ago when I was wrestling my brother *rolls eyes*

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
okay...epic weird-kind-of-prying-ness haha
firstly: where is this coming from???
and secondly: what kind of question is this, because uhhh...DUH no

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
Jesus.

Last person to make you smile?
ummm...

How was last night?
Ummm...fun? We had company...

If you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
It could mean a lot of different things...I'm mysterious like that ;)

Do you have trust issues?
haha...uhhh...yeah...

Was this a good weekend?
uhhh...sure *shrugs* yeah I guess

Were you happy when you woke up today?
ummm...

 And thats all for that epic and errr...*cough* interesting tag! haha

blessings this week!

Hello Bloggie World!

Well, since its been a few days I figure its probably time for another post.

School, school, school today of course.
Working on Spanish, Forensic Science, Web Design, Math, Reading, History, Theology...all that good stuff.

And looking forward to a trip to the library later...partly because I have a few books overdue (oops!) and need to take care of that so I can put some others on hold. Anyone read anything good lately?

I was busy busy busy all weekend, working hard at my job.

I've been enjoying my new 4th Gen. iPod Touch. Yes, I did say I would have a review and I will...later when I figure out how I want to write it or whether I should just do a video...suggestions? I guess what I will include is its (her?) name...Jacky yes...some of you are definitely wondering at that! Mary (Jacky) Faber is the main character in the Bloody Jack series by L.A. Meyer. I'll have to include a post about that series soon!


Mood Rings

On a musical note (haha yes...bad pun, I know) has anyone else ever heard the song Mood Rings by Relient K? Its a hilarious and awesome (and true!)song that I had stuck in my head all day yesterday and so I thought I would share its epicness.





Hoping you're all having a good week at school, home and work...blessings to you all!

Jobs and iPods

Well...it seems like SO much has happened since I last blogged!

And yet it also seems like so little...hmmn...I wonder how that works? haha

Well, I think the most exciting thing (really its a God-Thing) is that I have a job!!!

        The wages are BEYOND fantastic, its something I have experience doing and, it actually only part time.

       I'm working about 5 hours every day, two days a week (weekends) and I'm getting paid little over minimum wage (minimum wage is currently $9 per hour) PLUS tips! For anyone who's wondering, I'm working at a food booth on the weekends during October. Essentially I am the one who takes orders and handles the money and that kind of thing...some would say waitressing, however I'm not actually really walking around or moving out of a small area much so I don't consider it to be waitressing. (What just occurred to me is that NO; "waitressing" is not a word let alone a proper term ;)

       So...because I have a job, I'm going to be making money that would (where I live, with the scarcity of jobs especially jobs for teenagers) take me FOUR YEARS to earn, I'm earning in ONE MONTH.
       AND (here's the God-Thing part) before my birthday I prayed and asked God for a really good job 'cause "it would be the perfect birthday gift".
       On my birthday, my mom informed me that the people would need my help the following day and I could start working!
       So, its been really an awesome opportunity I think.

       Because of the job...meaning because I'm actually going to have money for once (lol), I am going to be able to get what I've been saving for! While I'm originally more of a Microsoft person, Apple's new 64GB 4th Generation iPod Touch is just too much of an undeniable technological awesomeness that I want in on it. And so...by the end of the month, I will essentially have an iPod touch!!! SO EXCITING!

       For the past four or five years I've had my 1st Generation Zune 30GB which was an awesome first MP3 player. The bigger screen really nice for watching movies on. But, seeing as its begun showing signs of being on its last leg, I've been considering an upgrade for a while now. (I would also like to point out its a hard-drive based player [for those of you techies who know what the difference is ;) ] and tends to whirr and make noise...oh, and its the size of a small brick haha)

       Anyways...other than that, school is going good though I've kinda been stressing 'bout Spanish (which I think is definitely my worst subject...or at least the one I've come to kind of dread doing...). My favorite subject though is definitely Forensic Science 'cause...well...I'm good at that one.

I think its just about time to end this post! haha

Questions? Comments? I don't hate either ;)

blessings!