the driving of the automobile

I realized today, that I actually have a topic, a life-happening, which I find myself with words to blog about:
driving.

I don't know if I ever mentioned it -- and seeing as I'm to lazy to check my archive and find out, I'll tell you all anyway -- I took drivers ed in the fall of 2011.
Though it was a busy, long few months, it was filled with memorable moments. In fact, it was a lot of fun. I got to spend time and hang out with one of my best friends, Savanah, and we practically lived at her grandparents whilst we took the driving course.
(I live in a small town, the closest place offering drivers ed. is nearly an hour away.)

In time, that successfully passed, though I still was not quite old enough to get my license without having to fulfill that crazy amount of hours.
blah blah blah

Long story short, I don't really like driving, and so I didn't wouldn't.
Not that I had the opportunity to drive all that often, mind you...but still.

So, fast forward to this past Fall of 2012, I turned 18! Yes, you were all around for that.

Now, at that point, I could get my license regardless of how many hours I'd driven, and whether or not I'd taken drivers ed.
I'm sure there are some of you wondering why on earth I bothered taking drivers ed and the simple fact is, I'm thankful I did, because I would be a horrible driver if I hadn't. I would not be nearly as far along as I am. Trust me on this.

Of course, I still didn't get it. My license, that is. I still didn't feel ready. Didn't think I could possibly pass the test.
Really I over-stressed about the whole thing.

Then comes along 2013. A new year. I'm 18. A senior.
At this point, when you want a job, people expect that you can drive...erm, legally. Not to mention decently.

And so it was that I found myself in a rather horrible rush to get my license in case I was hired at a job I applied for.
I ended up not getting the job, (which was actually a relief...another long story, for perhaps another time) and set out to practice driving - more - so I could pass the test.

Here I'll take the liberty of once again fast-forwarding, this time to Wednesday the 24th of April.
My mum and I drove the miles to the closest Department Of Licensing - in the same town I took drivers ed - to get the ball officially rolling for my license.

Lots of confusion, but basically the DOL doesn't do the drive testing any more and, wonder of wonders, my old driving school does!
Thus, off my shoulders went a whole load of stress about the entire thing.
No more having to worry about dealing with a complete stranger whilst driving.

We went to my driving school, talked to my former teacher, and set up a test date for the following Wednesday. May 1st.

So now, dear readers, I am actually rather happy to announce that I passed my driving test!

While I do not yet have my license, it is only because I want to get my Enhanced License so I'll be able to travel to Canada and the like, which the DOL closest to us only does twice a month. So, we're traveling a tad further, to the closest actual city - hopefully within the week - so I can get that out of the way.

*phew*

pieces of 2012

I am procrastinating

I am procrastinating.

I should be doing a rhetorical analysis of someone else's argument. I should be reading and researching and working very hard on it.

I should be.
But I'm not.

Why is it that that is how things work? When there is something horribly stressful, something that really needs a lot of work and care put into it, something that you should be developing and making into something great; you freeze.
Everything around you stops moving, but continues to move on, without you, all too fast.

And even the things you procrastinate about every single day, dusting, chores, cooking, room cleaning, even those things become a boon, something that absolutely has to be done in that moment. Done then and there, absolutely, as a way of procrastinating against this big, huge, seemingly insurmountable thing, that if only you would just buckle down and do it it's not nearly as hard as you're thinking it will be.

Why is it that my mind seems so broken, to think this way?

It's even worse, when nothing else rises up to meet the need for procrastination. Not even the other things, the seemingly smaller things that actually need done.

So here I am, sitting, mindlessly using time, typing words that mean something, and everything, and altogether nothing.

Because I, am procrastinating.

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

in which pictures take the place of words

I will be honest, for the past year I haven't been posting much of any content on Concrete & Grace.

And while I'm still feeling rather wordless as far as blogging goes, I've decided I shouldn't let that stop me from posting.

So, I'm starting a new series here on C&G called pieces of 2012.
A fully-photographical look back at the previous year. I hope you'll come along and see some of my favorite captured moments, the first post launches tomorrow!

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated at how hard everything has to be.
Frustrated that everything seems to require money.
Frustrated at myself.
Frustrated...but still strangely hopeful.
Frustrated, but believing everything will work out.

the in-betweens in writing and walking

I'm currently doing the dance of in-between notebooks.

Where one journal is nearly full, and the next is ready and waiting.

Thus I find myself simultaneously rushing to fill up the current notebook, but hesitant to close another chapter.

While I was on spring break a couple weeks ago, I went for a walk around our lake, in its state of not quite frozen, not quite thawed. It too was in between.











here's to your in betweens, may they be filled with music and light

of weddings, and family, and travels

This past week, after putting in work and night-before-packing, we left our little corner of the world and set out for my Aunt and Uncle's house.

While I don't like riding in the car, it wasn't terribly far (anything 8- hours isn't terribly far for me) and of course the entire journey was worth it!

My oldest cousin was wed last Saturday to his beautiful bride. And the five days we spent visiting and helping and spending time with family, were great.

As I'm but a poor, broke, in debt, student, my gift is pictures.

While I hadn't planned on going through any of them yesterday (school work and other pictures to finish up were rattling around my mind), I just couldn't resist.

So, here is the little teaser I cooked up.

Congratulations to the bride and groom, lots of love to you all!

the crime of the ages

by Augusta Cooper Bristol

                 Poet, write!
Not of a purpose dark and dire,
That souls of evil fashion,
Nor the power that nerves the assassin's hand,
In the white heat of his passion:
                 But let they rhyme,
                 Through every clime,
A burthen bear of this one crime:
Let the world draw in a shuddering breath,
O'er the crime that aims at a nation's death!

                 Minstrel, sing!
Not in affection's dulcet tone,
Or with sounds of a soft recorder:
Strike not they harp to a strain arranged
In measured, harmonic order:
                 But loud and strong
                 The tones prolong,
That thunder of a Nation's wrong;
Let a sound of war in thy notes appear,
Til the world opes wide a startled ear!

                 Soldier, fight!
Thou has a patriot's throbbing pulse,
And future history's pages,
Shall tell of the blood so freely shed
To redeem "the crime of the ages."
                 Well may'st thou fight
                 For Truth and Right,
And teach a rebel foe thy might!
Leta a loyal heart, and undaunted will,
Show the world we are a Nation still!

                 Prophet, speak!
Speak for the children of martyred sires,
An offspring the most ungrateful!
Warn them of Justice hurrying on,
To punish a deed so hateful!
                 O read with thy
                 Prophetic eye,
The omens of our troubled sky!
What is the picture beyond the gloom?
New life, new birth, or a Nation's tomb?

of drafts and decisions

In my Draft box for Concrete & Grace, I have exactly 40 posts.
40, unfinished, not entirely written, mostly forgotten, drafts.

It's been nearly a month, since my last post. Half hearted and rambling as it was.
Since then I have started a handful of updates, just more writings left behind in the draft box.

Because I haven't been feeling that inspired about it. Because I suppose I've lost the point of why it is I'm doing Concrete & Grace.
I've never really had a specific reason, a purpose, just that I wanted to. I want to. That's enough.
And it still is, I find. It just complicates things when I am feeling so entirely uninspired. And without inspiration, typing up a post that doesn't sound completely insane, a post that maybe someone will actually read and maybe even, in some small way, care about, or like; has turned into a chore.

And here's the thing I've been trying and starting but not finishing to post about: Fine Arts.
I keep going back and forth on how to let anyone know. I mean, does anyone I need to tell actually read this? Who do I really need to tell? Does anyone even care to know? How much of the story of the decision making process, how it is that everything came about, do I tell?
The fact of the matter is,  I don't know. I don't know how to tell everyone this, I don't know how to make everyone understand. So I will but I won't.
I will tell the outcome, flat, straight and true.
How the realizations and decisions came to be as you see before you, I will not explain. Because I will just ramble on, hoping to make everyone happy, make everyone understand.
And that, is most definitely, never going to happen. You can never make everyone understand, and you can most surely never make everyone happy.
So here it is, the final, straight up, no strings attached, news.

I am not doing Fine Arts this year.

when no words come

I keep sitting down at my computer, fingers resting lightly on the keys, with the desire to write something coursing through my being. Something meaningful, that I'll look back and say "Yeah, I wrote that. You should read this." Something I'll refer back to. Something that will provoke thought and action in the persons who read or hear the words.

But every time I try, every time I want to, it seems like there just aren't the right words.
Even though my mind is brimming with words most of the time. Even though I have notebooks filled with words no one ever reads, and probably even never will.

It never seems like there are the right words.

So what am I to do? When I wish that there were pictures and words for me to share, but there isn't?

I suppose most of the time I just give up. Don't press it, don't make an effort to try.

But what could I accomplish, what could I create, if I did? If I made an effort and took the time?

there is no frigate like a book...

There is no Frigate like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry —
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll —
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human soul.

— Emily Dickinson

re-reading: beautiful creatures by kami garcia & margaret stohl --- watching: castle

it's not easy being green

Being sick isn't fun.

Sometimes, the relaxing, couch potato-ing is nice.

But when you're sick, sick. Down to your toes, headache in your brow, nausea in stomach. When it's don't move, don't think, try to breathe normally: sick.
That's never, ever enjoyable. On any level at all.

So I sit, trying to sleep, trying not to lose the contents of my stomach. Trying not to let my favorite things, my comforting memories, be tainted by the fog in my ill mind.

I think of things that haven't happened yet. Things, imaginings, I wish to come true. Things of a youthful dream. To travel. To traipse about the globe, collecting words and capturing moments.

So here's to that dream, that sweet imaging. That blip of impossibility on my bucket list.

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- watching: bones

the universe is still

He fumbles at your Soul
As Players at the Keys
Before they drop full Music on --
He stuns you by degrees --
Prepares your brittle Nature
For the Ethereal Blow
By fainter Hammers -- further heard --
Then nearer -- Then so slow
Your Breath has time to straighten --
Your Brain -- to bubble Cool --
Deals -- One -- imperial -- Thunderbolt --
That scalps your naked Soul --

When Winds take Forests in their Paws --
The Universe -- is still --

--Emily Dickinson

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore

Let's go to Orlando!

Dear friends, family, and fellow wanderers of the internet,

As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the respect of earning my own money and working for the things I want and need. I’ve come to understand and commit to the importance of investing in things that will be tools not only to my education, but also to my work.

Every year I participate in a gathering of other kids, grades 6-12, who come together to be encouraged in various art forms that can be used in ministry.

Fine Arts Festival.

It’s something I enjoy immensely, and not only is it a fantastic event but it’s something that at a national level could open doors for colleges, scholarships and job opportunities.

In the two years I’ve attended District Fine Arts Festival, each year I have received ‘Superior With Invitation to Nationals’ in a few categories; the main being T-Shirt Design.

However, due to limited funds and the distance a trip to Nationals would require I’ve never been able to attend.

This year is my last year to participate in Fine Arts Festival as a high school student.

I’m writing this letter of sorts, to announce something many of you have expressed interest in: my t-shirt designs.

I’ve miraculously found a talented screen printer who can produce my unique designs.
And I’m very excited about it.

Thus I am starting to sell t-shirts sporting my out of the ordinary designs.

The idea is for this to be a way for me to raise the money money to make it to National Fine Arts.

This not only means the cost of registration itself, but gas, food, plane tickets, car rentals and all the materials I need.

And Orlando, Florida is a long ways away.

Now I want to present all of you with the opportunity to not only support me, but find yourself with an amazing one-of-a-kind shirt designed by yours truly. So buy one for yourself, your friends, your kids and every single extended member of your family!

My goal is to sell 888 shirts.

Shirts are $22 each and available through Etsy.

Those of you who live in my area are welcome to forgo Etsy and the shipping cost by getting in touch with me through my phone number and picking up the shirts when they become available.

I look forward to this adventure and thank all of you for your support!
Both prayerful and monetary.

The idea behind this shirt design comes from Hebrews 10:24,

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works."

The word "provoke" isn't often used in relation to encouragement and love.
Think of the angriest you've ever been, of what provoked you to that anger.

Now imagine someone being provoked like that, but to make a difference; to love.

Like encouragement on steroids.

Grey V-neck with blue, half-tone dot splatter, wrapping around from front to back.

Shirts are available on Pre-Shrunk, Combed, 100% Cotton, Adult Unisex V-Neck.
Sizes Small through 2X.

Printed in batches of 24 shirts, pre-order now!!

new life rises

from the darkest of depths
new life springs
in the darkest of times
come birthed new dreams
through the despair
hope is found
new life rises

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore --- watching: the hobbit

a new year

{all images are mine}

messages in bottles
what does the new year hold
can it be found
in pieces of glass
almost a century old
as sunlight catches
as the day falls
as seasons change
comes new years
new hopes
new pains

still light shines through

I'm going to be honest with all of you.

The very idea of 2013 was scary to me.

But it wasn't so much a new year, but the fact that I viewed 2012 as wasted. That my laziness and fear got in the way of everything I could have done, everything I could have accomplished.

Because it's still so easy, so easy to believe in the warped perspective fed by the fear of failure. The warped perspective that by not trying, there is no risk, thus there is no chance of failing.
But by not taking risk, by not stepping out, by not doing anything, by not even trying...therein is failure.

I could have done so much more in 2012. I could have accomplished so much more.

I am blinded to that which I did, but it seems to pale in comparison to what I didn't. To what I could have.

It's the fact that 2012 would, at that strike of midnight, be gone forever. That there would be no more attempts, no more chances, to redeem that year.

And it's that fear that I can already feel dragging me down. The fear that 2013 will be full of failure, that it will, at its end, be viewed as a waste.

I don't want it to be.

So here's what I want to accomplish this year. In 2013.

I want to sell t-shirts and raise the money to attend National Fine Arts Festival in August. It's my last year for Fine Arts Festival, and I want to go all the way. The only thing to ever stand in my way is money. My God is bigger than money.

I want to work hard, to truly believe in my Fine Arts entries. I don't want them to just be something I threw together, knowing it would be "good enough". I want to return to that inspiration, that feeling of joy in what I've created.

I want to finish high school math. It's the only thing standing in my way of fully graduating, I'm the only thing in the way of completing it. My own laziness, and yes, fear, of failing at math kept me from even trying. I want to finish.

I want to pay off my computer.

I want to learn how to use all the programs I have on my computer.

I want to figure out a way to go to college. A way to pay for it. I want to figure out what is worth the cost of going to college.

I want to believe in the possibility of a future beyond what I have always known.

I want to do something, go somewhere, make a difference.

I don't want to rationalize my way out of opportunities to do things because it sounds too risky or too hard.

I want to grow closer with the people I love.

I want to see my best friend's book published.

There's more. Things that don't come directly to mind...but basically, most purely, I want to try. Even if I fail. The attempt itself...for me, is a victory. I want to try, and do, and finish. So at least if I fail, it was an honest failure; because I tried.

here's to life, and hope, and a new year

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- listening: megalithic symphony (album) by awolnation --- watching: numb3rs

numbers and time

Where did 2012 go?

I look back on the last 12 months and honestly find it feels like it hasn't been that much.

2012 came. Relentless was my word for the year.

life.is.sweet. continued longer than I expected, but not as long as I would have liked.

I continued with college classes. I shared my paper on human trafficking, hoping to spark some fire of indignation in the hearts of others.

I shared music and the happenings of life.

I bought a tablet and grew in my love of drawing, but still don't draw as much as I'd like.

I worked a number of jobs that blur together.

I earned money for District Fine Arts Festival and attended for the second time.

I bought my first nice camera.

April was 13 years since Columbine.

I read books. Not as many as I would like.

Many friends graduated.

My wisdom teeth were ripped out of my head...though "removed" is a less dramatic way to put it.

I photographed a wedding...the first time even taking pictures of people. Stress.

I attended my last camp and wrote some stuff.

My best friend got to visit my neck of the woods for the first time.

My computer died.

I turned 18.

I worked more jobs.

I gratefully received the blessing of a new computer. Which I am going to be paying off for the next year.

I reminisced on Autumn as my favorite season. And watched as Fall fell to winter.

I ranted about reading.

I took pictures.

I geeked out over many things.

I survived yet another apocalypse. ha

My best friend finished her novel. I created something of a cover.

I made a Christmas card of sorts for all of my internet people.

There was more.
Little things. Crazy things. Things I didn't share or write about or post about. Day to day things. Surprising things. Things all in the middle and on the edges.

Time continues on whether or not we want it to, even if it's existence is only of our making.

So here's to 2013. That weird new number that will be forgotten as I continue writing "2012" on everything.

I don't have a word for this year. Nothing fits yet.
I wasn't so good at relentless in 2012.

But here's to 2012 and all it was. Here's to it's end, and the inevitable beginning of another.

2013.

endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages