when no words come

I keep sitting down at my computer, fingers resting lightly on the keys, with the desire to write something coursing through my being. Something meaningful, that I'll look back and say "Yeah, I wrote that. You should read this." Something I'll refer back to. Something that will provoke thought and action in the persons who read or hear the words.

But every time I try, every time I want to, it seems like there just aren't the right words.
Even though my mind is brimming with words most of the time. Even though I have notebooks filled with words no one ever reads, and probably even never will.

It never seems like there are the right words.

So what am I to do? When I wish that there were pictures and words for me to share, but there isn't?

I suppose most of the time I just give up. Don't press it, don't make an effort to try.

But what could I accomplish, what could I create, if I did? If I made an effort and took the time?

there is no frigate like a book...

There is no Frigate like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry —
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll —
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human soul.

— Emily Dickinson

re-reading: beautiful creatures by kami garcia & margaret stohl --- watching: castle

it's not easy being green

Being sick isn't fun.

Sometimes, the relaxing, couch potato-ing is nice.

But when you're sick, sick. Down to your toes, headache in your brow, nausea in stomach. When it's don't move, don't think, try to breathe normally: sick.
That's never, ever enjoyable. On any level at all.

So I sit, trying to sleep, trying not to lose the contents of my stomach. Trying not to let my favorite things, my comforting memories, be tainted by the fog in my ill mind.

I think of things that haven't happened yet. Things, imaginings, I wish to come true. Things of a youthful dream. To travel. To traipse about the globe, collecting words and capturing moments.

So here's to that dream, that sweet imaging. That blip of impossibility on my bucket list.

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- watching: bones

the universe is still

He fumbles at your Soul
As Players at the Keys
Before they drop full Music on --
He stuns you by degrees --
Prepares your brittle Nature
For the Ethereal Blow
By fainter Hammers -- further heard --
Then nearer -- Then so slow
Your Breath has time to straighten --
Your Brain -- to bubble Cool --
Deals -- One -- imperial -- Thunderbolt --
That scalps your naked Soul --

When Winds take Forests in their Paws --
The Universe -- is still --

--Emily Dickinson

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore

Let's go to Orlando!

Dear friends, family, and fellow wanderers of the internet,

As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the respect of earning my own money and working for the things I want and need. I’ve come to understand and commit to the importance of investing in things that will be tools not only to my education, but also to my work.

Every year I participate in a gathering of other kids, grades 6-12, who come together to be encouraged in various art forms that can be used in ministry.

Fine Arts Festival.

It’s something I enjoy immensely, and not only is it a fantastic event but it’s something that at a national level could open doors for colleges, scholarships and job opportunities.

In the two years I’ve attended District Fine Arts Festival, each year I have received ‘Superior With Invitation to Nationals’ in a few categories; the main being T-Shirt Design.

However, due to limited funds and the distance a trip to Nationals would require I’ve never been able to attend.

This year is my last year to participate in Fine Arts Festival as a high school student.

I’m writing this letter of sorts, to announce something many of you have expressed interest in: my t-shirt designs.

I’ve miraculously found a talented screen printer who can produce my unique designs.
And I’m very excited about it.

Thus I am starting to sell t-shirts sporting my out of the ordinary designs.

The idea is for this to be a way for me to raise the money money to make it to National Fine Arts.

This not only means the cost of registration itself, but gas, food, plane tickets, car rentals and all the materials I need.

And Orlando, Florida is a long ways away.

Now I want to present all of you with the opportunity to not only support me, but find yourself with an amazing one-of-a-kind shirt designed by yours truly. So buy one for yourself, your friends, your kids and every single extended member of your family!

My goal is to sell 888 shirts.

Shirts are $22 each and available through Etsy.

Those of you who live in my area are welcome to forgo Etsy and the shipping cost by getting in touch with me through my phone number and picking up the shirts when they become available.

I look forward to this adventure and thank all of you for your support!
Both prayerful and monetary.

The idea behind this shirt design comes from Hebrews 10:24,

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works."

The word "provoke" isn't often used in relation to encouragement and love.
Think of the angriest you've ever been, of what provoked you to that anger.

Now imagine someone being provoked like that, but to make a difference; to love.

Like encouragement on steroids.

Grey V-neck with blue, half-tone dot splatter, wrapping around from front to back.

Shirts are available on Pre-Shrunk, Combed, 100% Cotton, Adult Unisex V-Neck.
Sizes Small through 2X.

Printed in batches of 24 shirts, pre-order now!!

new life rises

from the darkest of depths
new life springs
in the darkest of times
come birthed new dreams
through the despair
hope is found
new life rises

reading: harvest by lauren hemphill --- listening: lord of the rings symphony by howard shore --- watching: the hobbit

a new year

{all images are mine}

messages in bottles
what does the new year hold
can it be found
in pieces of glass
almost a century old
as sunlight catches
as the day falls
as seasons change
comes new years
new hopes
new pains

still light shines through

I'm going to be honest with all of you.

The very idea of 2013 was scary to me.

But it wasn't so much a new year, but the fact that I viewed 2012 as wasted. That my laziness and fear got in the way of everything I could have done, everything I could have accomplished.

Because it's still so easy, so easy to believe in the warped perspective fed by the fear of failure. The warped perspective that by not trying, there is no risk, thus there is no chance of failing.
But by not taking risk, by not stepping out, by not doing anything, by not even trying...therein is failure.

I could have done so much more in 2012. I could have accomplished so much more.

I am blinded to that which I did, but it seems to pale in comparison to what I didn't. To what I could have.

It's the fact that 2012 would, at that strike of midnight, be gone forever. That there would be no more attempts, no more chances, to redeem that year.

And it's that fear that I can already feel dragging me down. The fear that 2013 will be full of failure, that it will, at its end, be viewed as a waste.

I don't want it to be.

So here's what I want to accomplish this year. In 2013.

I want to sell t-shirts and raise the money to attend National Fine Arts Festival in August. It's my last year for Fine Arts Festival, and I want to go all the way. The only thing to ever stand in my way is money. My God is bigger than money.

I want to work hard, to truly believe in my Fine Arts entries. I don't want them to just be something I threw together, knowing it would be "good enough". I want to return to that inspiration, that feeling of joy in what I've created.

I want to finish high school math. It's the only thing standing in my way of fully graduating, I'm the only thing in the way of completing it. My own laziness, and yes, fear, of failing at math kept me from even trying. I want to finish.

I want to pay off my computer.

I want to learn how to use all the programs I have on my computer.

I want to figure out a way to go to college. A way to pay for it. I want to figure out what is worth the cost of going to college.

I want to believe in the possibility of a future beyond what I have always known.

I want to do something, go somewhere, make a difference.

I don't want to rationalize my way out of opportunities to do things because it sounds too risky or too hard.

I want to grow closer with the people I love.

I want to see my best friend's book published.

There's more. Things that don't come directly to mind...but basically, most purely, I want to try. Even if I fail. The attempt itself...for me, is a victory. I want to try, and do, and finish. So at least if I fail, it was an honest failure; because I tried.

here's to life, and hope, and a new year

reading: american poetry: the nineteen century, vol. 2 by john hollander --- listening: megalithic symphony (album) by awolnation --- watching: numb3rs

numbers and time

Where did 2012 go?

I look back on the last 12 months and honestly find it feels like it hasn't been that much.

2012 came. Relentless was my word for the year.

life.is.sweet. continued longer than I expected, but not as long as I would have liked.

I continued with college classes. I shared my paper on human trafficking, hoping to spark some fire of indignation in the hearts of others.

I shared music and the happenings of life.

I bought a tablet and grew in my love of drawing, but still don't draw as much as I'd like.

I worked a number of jobs that blur together.

I earned money for District Fine Arts Festival and attended for the second time.

I bought my first nice camera.

April was 13 years since Columbine.

I read books. Not as many as I would like.

Many friends graduated.

My wisdom teeth were ripped out of my head...though "removed" is a less dramatic way to put it.

I photographed a wedding...the first time even taking pictures of people. Stress.

I attended my last camp and wrote some stuff.

My best friend got to visit my neck of the woods for the first time.

My computer died.

I turned 18.

I worked more jobs.

I gratefully received the blessing of a new computer. Which I am going to be paying off for the next year.

I reminisced on Autumn as my favorite season. And watched as Fall fell to winter.

I ranted about reading.

I took pictures.

I geeked out over many things.

I survived yet another apocalypse. ha

My best friend finished her novel. I created something of a cover.

I made a Christmas card of sorts for all of my internet people.

There was more.
Little things. Crazy things. Things I didn't share or write about or post about. Day to day things. Surprising things. Things all in the middle and on the edges.

Time continues on whether or not we want it to, even if it's existence is only of our making.

So here's to 2013. That weird new number that will be forgotten as I continue writing "2012" on everything.

I don't have a word for this year. Nothing fits yet.
I wasn't so good at relentless in 2012.

But here's to 2012 and all it was. Here's to it's end, and the inevitable beginning of another.

2013.

endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages

Merry Christmas!

Just a little something I whipped up yesterday as a virtual Christmas card of sorts to all of you.
I'm not a terribly good artist but I think you'll get the gist of it

from me and my family, blessings this Christmas and in the New Year.

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 12

Christmas Song // Flyleaf

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 11

Santa Claus is Thumbing to Town // Relient K

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 10

Hallelujah (Light Has Come) // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 9

We Wish You a Merry Christmas // Relient K

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 8

Go, Tell It on the Mountain // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 7

Feliz Navidad // David Crowder Band

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 6

Panis Angelicus // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 5

Angels We Have Heard on High // Relient K

an update on me

While I have been scheduling songs to be posted every day, I thought that maybe it was time for an update on me.

I finished my college classes for this quarter. Yay for finals...though I will definitely admit to having it much easier to those actually away at college, who are most definitely taking more classes than I am. 

My current favorite album, i.e the one I've been listening to the most, is Megalithic Symphony by AWOLNATION. Which I've had blasting out of my newly acquired headphones since I purchased the album ($5 from Amazon!) about a week and a half ago. 

I've been biding my time with the ever so terrible, old stock iPod headphones. 
You know the ones, lousy, uncomfortable, poor sound quality oh and yeah, painful. 
I realized I had SkullCandy credit from returning a product forever ago. So I used it to get some new over-ear headphones. 
I think I've lost some hearing, I've been using them so much.

College classes start back up in early January. I'm excited for my photoshop class. Not so excited about English 102, but who is? 

I got new glasses at the beginning of the month. 
Sight is good. 
It took me a while to get used to my new prescription, but it's vastly better than the one from my previous doctor. 
I actually have gained depth perception. 
Anyone that has spent any amount of time around me probably knows that I'm a klutz. In part there's some depth perception issues that cause some of it....only some of it. I really am very klutzy...

I increasingly have an addiction to nail polish. 
I really rather enjoy painting my nails...and getting nail polish at fantastical prices helps.
Which leads to the fact that I bought some new nail polish just in the last 24 hours. So I'm really excited about that. I like getting things in the mail.

I'm either getting sick or my allergies are crazy terrible...or I'm just not getting enough sleep.
Though I'm going to say all three. 

My penchant for ellipses has not died...

One of my very, very, best friends has finished her novel. The first book in what is going to be an epic trilogy. Click here for the facebook fan page.
In celebration I whipped up a cover:

{credits}

It's only an early conceptual cover really. But it's a start. I enjoyed figuring out how to make it in Photoshop.

I've been reading it as of late. (SO GOOD)
Along with Anna Karenina, and Divergent which I just started last night.
I've become such a slow reader...

And that's just about it...that comes to mind, in this moment, in this post anyways.

don't miss today's Christmas music!

hope you're all well

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 4

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year // BarlowGirl

12 Days of Christmas Music // Day 3

Carol of the Bells // August Burns Red