this is 2014

It's almost 2014, and once again all I can think of are all the things I haven't accomplished. All the things I haven't started, finished, done, thought through.

There's always something holding me back.
Anxiety.
Fear.
And really just me.
Me.

I am my own worst enemy.
I am a procrastinator, I am a worrier, I am fearful.

I am so fearful I often dare not dream. I dare not dream because dreaming leads to hope, and then, sooner rather than later, reality swoops in and beats it all to a bloody, bloody death. Then all I am left with is wishing, and imaginings. Things that are unfulfilling, distracting, wasting.

I don't put special stock in 2014.
Every year holds something new, and different. Whether the new and different is another experience of pain or happiness or exploration, all lead to growth.
I don't put special meaning on 2014.
Because every time I put a special meaning on yet another year, I always find myself at the end of that year with a handful of regrets for everything I built it up to be.

As I am here, on my computer, under my bed, in my room, hoping that this is to be my last day of sickness, I am reading my post from the beginning of this year. This post.

And I am filled with what feels like a hot, molten ball of lead in my stomach.
And at the same time, a feeling akin to flight.

Perhaps it is just whatever bug that has been being fought off by my body, perhaps it is something else.

Perhaps it is that though
I did not go to National Fine Arts Festival, for it was no longer for me.
I didn't finish math particularly.
I haven't yet paid of my computer.
I don't yet know how to use all the programs on my computer.
I haven't yet figured out what I want to go to college for.
I still fell into rationalizing my way out of opportunities when things sounded too risky or too hard.
I didn't yet see my best friends book published.
I did other things. Things that I didn't particularly imagine.

Because this year, this year I made headway.

I learned Flash and Photoshop. And got college credits for them to boot. That's not all the programs, but it's two classes, two down, and I'm starting to teach myself DreamWeaver. Not to mention figuring out Lightroom.

I have my computer more than half payed off. I worked hard, I payed ahead, I haven't missed one payment yet.

I did find a way to pay for college, in a manner. I asked for help. I was encouraged and supported by my parents to get financial aid, to continue working on my general classes and get my AA degree.

And while there is always the temptation to back down, I stood my ground this year.

I'm a leader in our youth group. Because I don't just know it's where I'm supposed to be, I believe it.

I learned to not let myself be walked on just because I'm an employee. I have knowledge, I have experience, and I will not be treated any less.

I went to Colorado for a month. I spent time with my best friend. I got lost. I took pictures (though not as many as I'd like). I wasn't expecting to go to Colorado. I worked hard to go to Colorado. I traveled on my own for the first time, I took care of myself. Yeah, it was little compared to the feats of many others, but for me, for me it was huge.

I learned so much, about other people, what they believe, about what I believe. I've grown as a person.

I've learned that it's okay to be a geek, a nerd, a dork. To be intensely passionate about something. Even if it is "just a story". Because too many people go through life missing out on allowing themselves to love something, to connect with something, to know way to much about something, to let themselves enjoy something so wholly.

I haven't yet seen my best friends book published. But I believe her time is coming, that her book is amazing, and that even greater things are in her future, it's only just a matter of timing.

So 2013. I tried. I did. I finished. I failed. I worried.
But I succeeded.

And yeah, yeah there's regrets. There's always regrets.
Even if they're little ones we don't realize, or pretend them away, they are always there.
I think that's one of the great lies of the fantasy we mix with reality in our society. That the most meaningful victories are those made without regrets. There are always regrets. There always will be. It's how you handle them, how you live with them, how you move on from them, that matters.

So you know what, maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be as 2014 rounds the corner. I'm not where I wish, imagine, or dream to be. But those are just wishes, imaginings, and dreams.
I want the authentic, I want to make my reality better than a fantasy. In its reality.

So 2014. One way or another, I have no idea what it holds. It is another year.
I don't have a word for it. I don't have a dream, or a list, or a resolution for it. I don't put special stock, or meaning into it.
Instead I put special stock, special meaning, into me.
In what I will do, in what God will do, because when it comes to both perhaps the best thing is that I have no idea.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre

35mm's

I made a decision the other night.
A decision I personally look at as being rather adult.
I was concise, logical, I thought it through, and asked for advice.

You see, every month, I make a payment on my computer I bought last year.
I'm really very happy that as of a few months ago, I have it more than half paid off.

I worked again this fall cleaning, and made several more payments ahead. After that job was done for the season, I had a couple of payments that have been sitting on my desk yet unsent.

I had meant to send them sooner, get them off in the mail and be paid up until February.
But something kind of held me back.
I wasn't sure what, and figured there must be some reason to hold off on sending these until I had to.

Well, Friday of last week there was a 24 hour sale on refurbished items in the Nikon store.

For those of you who don't know, I rather enjoy photography, have a knack for it too I've been told.
I've shot a couple weddings of friends and family, done some senior pictures, but I've had to actually turn down job opportunities.
The reason being, I haven't had a lens small enough to achieve many shots and settings.

The lens I have is a rather large, 55-200 mm. I love it, and it's so perfect in it's wide range of uses. I really couldn't be happier with it. Except when I'm indoors, in a confined space.
For the uninitiated, this is because due to it's specs I have to be a minimum of 4-5 feet away from the subject of my photo. And in close quarters, low light situations, or just plain inside most places, things can get blurry, difficult, and downright unachievable.

Because of this I've been striving for a 35mm lens for over a year. Good for landscapes, beautiful background blur, all around photographical situations, and, of course, good for close quarters, indoors, and low light situations.

So, back to last Friday.
Nikon's refurbished lenses are already slightly more affordable due to the fact that they did, at some point, have to be repaired.
My family has always had good luck with refurbished items, and in many cases it's almost a better buy because kinks have been worked out in advance (not to mention the price cut).
On top of that advantage, all the refurbished items were marked down further for the holiday season and for that 24 hours there was an additional 10% off.

I know, 10% really doesn't sound like all that much, and it usually isn't.
But for someone like me, with limited job opportunities in my area, and computer payments, every little bit helps.
And: refurbished + holiday season + 10% off = about $50 cheaper than buying it new.

A deal I could't turn down.

I decided to use my Christmas gift money from my parents, and some of my Jan-Feb payment for my computer, and purchase the lens.
I figure this way, I can get some senior shoots in, finish some other jobs, and with any luck be able to have all the funds back for the next payment in January.

It hasn't shipped just yet, but I'm hoping that it will be here by the end of the week!

In the mean time, I've started to offer a senior photography package in my area, am hoping to be getting some bookings; and all of you can go and check out my flickr.

LISTENING: i see fire by ed sheeran (re)READING: fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkien WATCHING: 2 broke girls