pieces of 2012

we're not just seniors, we're graduates

My Facebook is a-flood with prom and senior pictures.
Graduation announcements are being sent, and I am realizing.
I'm realizing that a chapter is closing. Maybe more, maybe an entire volume is closing.
Because we're graduating, all of us. My friends who already have, and those who are, even those who I've grown apart from, we're seniors now.
There's so much ending. And despite how close we have, or haven't been, we are nearing a parting of ways which is likely to take us all in so many different directions.
Many of us will never see each other again.

We're not just seniors, we're graduates.
We're adults.

There's this great big future ahead of us filled with decisions, and opportunities.

We've all gone through so much, and life is just beginning. Our stories don't end here.

And even though it's close to the bit I shared for last year's graduates, I don't think it's lost it's meaning.
I'm home schooled, I don't get a graduation ceremony. So sit back for the cliche but (hopefully) ultimately meaningful, because this is my podium.

---

to us, the graduates

We've done it. Somehow we've managed to successfully navigate the stormy sea that is not only school, and highschool, but a good portion of our lives.

While it's painful being on the receiving end of my pun-shenanigans, con"grad"ulations.

Now, has cliche and potentially unwelcome as it may be to attempt to impart these bits of wisdom I've managed picked up along the way; I have found that we, the human race, are a fickle and forgetful bunch. As such we need to not only be reminded of things but to have them continually pounded into our heads.
Preferably by someone who cares.
So onward I write.

Firstly, one of the great lessons of life (and high school) is thus, "we can't control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them".
Perspective is everything. We can choose to take what life inevitably throws at us, and allow ourselves to be made bitter and give up or we can have it be a step to take us higher. To build ourselves up and make us better. Everything is a choice.

Secondly, people are people and you can never make everyone happy.
There's always going to be someone who will complain about, belittle, and mocks us. It's not just high school, it's life.
As someone who's actually been working and doing some college classes for a while now, I can say it's pretty messy and doesn't change much.
Because unfortunately, there's people like that everywhere, everyday.
It's where that perspective thing I just mentioned comes into play. We can let them tear us down, or we can just let it be motivation to be strong and move on.

Thirdly, "Remember what you've learned in the light, and never doubt it, even if you spend years in the dark."
There are up's and down's. Welcome to life. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but always try to remember the good, the positive, and hold onto it; especially when things are bad. Don't let the time of darkness make you lose sight and forget all the good that has happened, and all that is just around the corner.
Don't give up, this isn't the end.

Fourthly, this isn't the end.
As the ever cliche, but still usefully truthful saying goes, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."
And, in one of my few and far between moments of what could be called a philosophical-wisdom, I have can be quoted as saying:
"endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages".
Strangely, that seems to have a deep, inherent meaning; and I think that maybe, just maybe, I was onto something.
It's so easy - especially when we're young - to let little things stand in our way, let little things feels like "the end of the world".
Well, here's the thing, endings aren't all bad, and chapters have to end for new one's to begin.
Endings are just beginnings wrapped in strange packages.

Fifthly, "when life gives you lemons..."
Okay, we all know where this could go.
Bear with me, because as a person who - as I image to be sarcastic and slightly pessimistic - penned somewhere: "When life gives you lemons...throw them at people".
(Please feel free to laugh here.)
So whether we decide to throw the lemons at people, or make lemonade; take a step back, keep perspective in mind, and just use those dang lemons. Heck, lemons make everyday water different.
Just use the lemons.

Lastly, as my penchant for Latin dictates, I want to share words I carry with me, and thus feel I should impart in closing.

carpe diem // patientia // memento mori // memento vivre.
seize the day (with) patience (and) endurance (despite) suffering. remember mortality (and) remember to live.

All that I've said, choose to take it or leave it, listen to me or not.
Everything's a choice.
Let's just use the lemons, okay?

have a listen // vox populi

unfortunate days

Today is one of those unfortunate days.
Where nothing feel's right, and it's as if the world is against me.
When I feel as if I cannot do anything right.
As if the world is spinning off it's axis and I am lost, hurtling through space.
With the air closing in, inky blackness brushing against me.
And despite the shine of distant stars, their light is still too far.

of driving

I've mentioned before, that I don't particularly like driving.

Giant death machine made of metal and plastic, moving at speeds beyond my own ability; that I'm secured in and placed in charge of.

When you think about it, it's really rather disturbing. When I think about it, I over think it.

I successfully got my license on Friday, yesterday.
We woke bright and early (literally. the sun had just barely risen.) and drove for two hours to the DOL so I could get my Enhanced License.
Well, more confusion, waiting, bad pictures, and DMV smells later, and I had a temporary license shoved into the pages of The Hobbit.
A regular license. Yes, but when the hard copy comes in, I'll then be able to go and get my Enhanced. (long story)

When I passed my drive test a couple weeks ago, it was like a great stress, a great weight, was lifted off my shoulders.
For so long I felt like I didn't have what it took to pass the test, and that by extension I wasn't a good driver.
Typically, when I over think something, when I worry so hard about failing, I will. And for quite a while, whether or not I actually was failing, it felt like it to me.

Then when I made it, I passed my drive test, I did well, I succeeded, I realized, I wasn't some horrible driver after all.
I can do this.
It was nice.

My uncle gave me a car earlier this spring. It's what spurred me on to get my license.
The opportunity that I'd be able to take myself to the lake in the summer. Not having to coerce or pay for gas for the van for my parents to drive me places.
I finally had a reason to really, really try to get my license.

And today, I found myself behind the wheel of my car - still funny saying that, "my car" - with my license in my pocket.
My license, that I achieved.
And instead of squiggling around in my seat, second-guessing myself and imagining all the horrible ways I had to fail - stick shift, no less - I didn't think about it. I didn't sit and worry. I acted, I did, I learned.

And you know what? I was pretty dang good at it.

LISTENING: this is war (album) by 30 seconds to mars READING: the hobbit by j.r.r. tolkien WATCHING: buffy

pieces of 2012

the driving of the automobile

I realized today, that I actually have a topic, a life-happening, which I find myself with words to blog about:
driving.

I don't know if I ever mentioned it -- and seeing as I'm to lazy to check my archive and find out, I'll tell you all anyway -- I took drivers ed in the fall of 2011.
Though it was a busy, long few months, it was filled with memorable moments. In fact, it was a lot of fun. I got to spend time and hang out with one of my best friends, Savanah, and we practically lived at her grandparents whilst we took the driving course.
(I live in a small town, the closest place offering drivers ed. is nearly an hour away.)

In time, that successfully passed, though I still was not quite old enough to get my license without having to fulfill that crazy amount of hours.
blah blah blah

Long story short, I don't really like driving, and so I didn't wouldn't.
Not that I had the opportunity to drive all that often, mind you...but still.

So, fast forward to this past Fall of 2012, I turned 18! Yes, you were all around for that.

Now, at that point, I could get my license regardless of how many hours I'd driven, and whether or not I'd taken drivers ed.
I'm sure there are some of you wondering why on earth I bothered taking drivers ed and the simple fact is, I'm thankful I did, because I would be a horrible driver if I hadn't. I would not be nearly as far along as I am. Trust me on this.

Of course, I still didn't get it. My license, that is. I still didn't feel ready. Didn't think I could possibly pass the test.
Really I over-stressed about the whole thing.

Then comes along 2013. A new year. I'm 18. A senior.
At this point, when you want a job, people expect that you can drive...erm, legally. Not to mention decently.

And so it was that I found myself in a rather horrible rush to get my license in case I was hired at a job I applied for.
I ended up not getting the job, (which was actually a relief...another long story, for perhaps another time) and set out to practice driving - more - so I could pass the test.

Here I'll take the liberty of once again fast-forwarding, this time to Wednesday the 24th of April.
My mum and I drove the miles to the closest Department Of Licensing - in the same town I took drivers ed - to get the ball officially rolling for my license.

Lots of confusion, but basically the DOL doesn't do the drive testing any more and, wonder of wonders, my old driving school does!
Thus, off my shoulders went a whole load of stress about the entire thing.
No more having to worry about dealing with a complete stranger whilst driving.

We went to my driving school, talked to my former teacher, and set up a test date for the following Wednesday. May 1st.

So now, dear readers, I am actually rather happy to announce that I passed my driving test!

While I do not yet have my license, it is only because I want to get my Enhanced License so I'll be able to travel to Canada and the like, which the DOL closest to us only does twice a month. So, we're traveling a tad further, to the closest actual city - hopefully within the week - so I can get that out of the way.

*phew*

pieces of 2012

I am procrastinating

I am procrastinating.

I should be doing a rhetorical analysis of someone else's argument. I should be reading and researching and working very hard on it.

I should be.
But I'm not.

Why is it that that is how things work? When there is something horribly stressful, something that really needs a lot of work and care put into it, something that you should be developing and making into something great; you freeze.
Everything around you stops moving, but continues to move on, without you, all too fast.

And even the things you procrastinate about every single day, dusting, chores, cooking, room cleaning, even those things become a boon, something that absolutely has to be done in that moment. Done then and there, absolutely, as a way of procrastinating against this big, huge, seemingly insurmountable thing, that if only you would just buckle down and do it it's not nearly as hard as you're thinking it will be.

Why is it that my mind seems so broken, to think this way?

It's even worse, when nothing else rises up to meet the need for procrastination. Not even the other things, the seemingly smaller things that actually need done.

So here I am, sitting, mindlessly using time, typing words that mean something, and everything, and altogether nothing.

Because I, am procrastinating.

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

pieces of 2012

in which pictures take the place of words

I will be honest, for the past year I haven't been posting much of any content on Concrete & Grace.

And while I'm still feeling rather wordless as far as blogging goes, I've decided I shouldn't let that stop me from posting.

So, I'm starting a new series here on C&G called pieces of 2012.
A fully-photographical look back at the previous year. I hope you'll come along and see some of my favorite captured moments, the first post launches tomorrow!

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated at how hard everything has to be.
Frustrated that everything seems to require money.
Frustrated at myself.
Frustrated...but still strangely hopeful.
Frustrated, but believing everything will work out.

the in-betweens in writing and walking

I'm currently doing the dance of in-between notebooks.

Where one journal is nearly full, and the next is ready and waiting.

Thus I find myself simultaneously rushing to fill up the current notebook, but hesitant to close another chapter.

While I was on spring break a couple weeks ago, I went for a walk around our lake, in its state of not quite frozen, not quite thawed. It too was in between.











here's to your in betweens, may they be filled with music and light

of weddings, and family, and travels

This past week, after putting in work and night-before-packing, we left our little corner of the world and set out for my Aunt and Uncle's house.

While I don't like riding in the car, it wasn't terribly far (anything 8- hours isn't terribly far for me) and of course the entire journey was worth it!

My oldest cousin was wed last Saturday to his beautiful bride. And the five days we spent visiting and helping and spending time with family, were great.

As I'm but a poor, broke, in debt, student, my gift is pictures.

While I hadn't planned on going through any of them yesterday (school work and other pictures to finish up were rattling around my mind), I just couldn't resist.

So, here is the little teaser I cooked up.

Congratulations to the bride and groom, lots of love to you all!

the crime of the ages

by Augusta Cooper Bristol

                 Poet, write!
Not of a purpose dark and dire,
That souls of evil fashion,
Nor the power that nerves the assassin's hand,
In the white heat of his passion:
                 But let they rhyme,
                 Through every clime,
A burthen bear of this one crime:
Let the world draw in a shuddering breath,
O'er the crime that aims at a nation's death!

                 Minstrel, sing!
Not in affection's dulcet tone,
Or with sounds of a soft recorder:
Strike not they harp to a strain arranged
In measured, harmonic order:
                 But loud and strong
                 The tones prolong,
That thunder of a Nation's wrong;
Let a sound of war in thy notes appear,
Til the world opes wide a startled ear!

                 Soldier, fight!
Thou has a patriot's throbbing pulse,
And future history's pages,
Shall tell of the blood so freely shed
To redeem "the crime of the ages."
                 Well may'st thou fight
                 For Truth and Right,
And teach a rebel foe thy might!
Leta a loyal heart, and undaunted will,
Show the world we are a Nation still!

                 Prophet, speak!
Speak for the children of martyred sires,
An offspring the most ungrateful!
Warn them of Justice hurrying on,
To punish a deed so hateful!
                 O read with thy
                 Prophetic eye,
The omens of our troubled sky!
What is the picture beyond the gloom?
New life, new birth, or a Nation's tomb?

of drafts and decisions

In my Draft box for Concrete & Grace, I have exactly 40 posts.
40, unfinished, not entirely written, mostly forgotten, drafts.

It's been nearly a month, since my last post. Half hearted and rambling as it was.
Since then I have started a handful of updates, just more writings left behind in the draft box.

Because I haven't been feeling that inspired about it. Because I suppose I've lost the point of why it is I'm doing Concrete & Grace.
I've never really had a specific reason, a purpose, just that I wanted to. I want to. That's enough.
And it still is, I find. It just complicates things when I am feeling so entirely uninspired. And without inspiration, typing up a post that doesn't sound completely insane, a post that maybe someone will actually read and maybe even, in some small way, care about, or like; has turned into a chore.

And here's the thing I've been trying and starting but not finishing to post about: Fine Arts.
I keep going back and forth on how to let anyone know. I mean, does anyone I need to tell actually read this? Who do I really need to tell? Does anyone even care to know? How much of the story of the decision making process, how it is that everything came about, do I tell?
The fact of the matter is,  I don't know. I don't know how to tell everyone this, I don't know how to make everyone understand. So I will but I won't.
I will tell the outcome, flat, straight and true.
How the realizations and decisions came to be as you see before you, I will not explain. Because I will just ramble on, hoping to make everyone happy, make everyone understand.
And that, is most definitely, never going to happen. You can never make everyone understand, and you can most surely never make everyone happy.
So here it is, the final, straight up, no strings attached, news.

I am not doing Fine Arts this year.

when no words come

I keep sitting down at my computer, fingers resting lightly on the keys, with the desire to write something coursing through my being. Something meaningful, that I'll look back and say "Yeah, I wrote that. You should read this." Something I'll refer back to. Something that will provoke thought and action in the persons who read or hear the words.

But every time I try, every time I want to, it seems like there just aren't the right words.
Even though my mind is brimming with words most of the time. Even though I have notebooks filled with words no one ever reads, and probably even never will.

It never seems like there are the right words.

So what am I to do? When I wish that there were pictures and words for me to share, but there isn't?

I suppose most of the time I just give up. Don't press it, don't make an effort to try.

But what could I accomplish, what could I create, if I did? If I made an effort and took the time?

there is no frigate like a book...

There is no Frigate like a Book
To take us Lands away
Nor any Coursers like a Page
Of prancing Poetry —
This Traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of Toll —
How frugal is the Chariot
That bears the Human soul.

— Emily Dickinson

re-reading: beautiful creatures by kami garcia & margaret stohl --- watching: castle